Sara welcome to our Forum. 

Sara88 wrote:

Hi, I'm new here. My husband of 8 years told me hes gay a few days ago. I have started reading a lot of posts to try and find some confort and answers. Hes known hes gay for almost 20 years, we met 11 years ago. He has never told anyone hes gay and intended to be with me for the rest of our lives, but it was getting so hard for him to keep it in. Hes never cheated on me and has never been with a man.
 I have been with my partner for 36 years and knew from his 45 year he was bisexual but didn't see it as a problem....I loved him/we had a wonderful (I thought) life/even though we'd tried an open r'ship for awhile we were still strong, solid, safe (I thought). 
But there you have it. While the straightspouse is under the impression everything is fine our husbands, partners, boyfriends DON'T tell us their deepest, darkest thoughts. I too told my partner I wasn't interested in him *exploring* with other men and he said that he wouldn't he would...in his words...."stuff it down". For 3 years I tried to believe things could be like they were but those 3 years simply confirmed that I would never fully trust him again. For 3 years whenever I brought up the subject, wanting to talk about us.... often in tears, begging....he would close up and retreat into his shell. 
I did a lot in those 3 years. Saw counselors, a lawyer, my doctor, and learned much about myself, my partner, my close friends & family and learned about the support available for moving out and living alone. Then Covid hit and everything that was going on in my life was superseded by something bigger than us all. A couple months before Covid I had told my partner I no longer wanted sex with him or anyone "for the rest of my life" 
Almost a year later here we are still together, getting on fine except for the fucking big elephant in the room which he doesn't want to talk about. Why would he? it would only mean he had to face himself. 
As for myself....I'm sick of talking about it, won't bring the subject up and as it appears he never will....after xmas I'm heading off to visit my grown children and talk to them about where I am as regards my life.
Some straightspouses yank that plaster (that's band-aid to some of you) off right away and are gone from what our LGBTQ partners have done to us. Some of us, like me, linger.

I guess one of my questions is how can he be gay but be attracted to me physically. We have talked about it and he really can't explain it, but he is attracted to me and has always enjoyed sex and everything physical with me. Hes not bi, I asked because it's all so confusing.
It may sound harsh but him actually admitting he's gay puts you, in my opinion, in a much better place. Some of us never get that honesty. If my partner had said I'm gay, I want to explore with men, "maybe one day be fucked by a man" (I put that in speech marks because that's what he said to me, then when I reacted badly he withdrew into his submissive shell)
And of course he still enjoys sex with you....men like sex right? It's just that until he figures out EXACTLY what he wants....you're there waiting

He recently found a friend, who is gay and never told anyone, that he can talk to and knows how hes feeling. I was cheated on in my previous marriage so I believe hes been faithful to me because he knows how much more that would of hurt me.
Oh Sara....what do you want? Forget about your husband for a moment. Even if he hasn't *been* with a man he's got *a gay friend* he can use as a soundingboard. Who is your soundingboard? Who are you confiding in besides your gay husband? 

He apologies 100 times a day and feels awful for doing this to me. I'm not mad at him because I can only imagine how hard this is for him as well. I'm just very scared of the future and our family not being together anymore. We have a 4 year old son together. 
What do you say back to him when he apologises? They are, apologies, easy to make, especially when there's an excitement of exploration & new discoveries for him to make, and saying sorry to you will make him feel better but 
will it make you feel any more content with what's happening?

Thank you so reading.
Sara

Elle
 

Thank you for the support and replies.
I have a couple friends I have spoken to about this who have been very supportive. I don't want to say he gave me permission to talk to friends, but in a sense he did. I don't want to go behind his back and start telling people without him knowing, he very scared and terrified of what lies ahead and is not ready for anything new. He isn't expecting anything from me and basically said any decision and time frame is up to me since he has already put me through so much. We are very honest about everything with each other and plan to keep it that way. Our first priority is our child and to make sure he's happy and safe.

His apologies are heartfelt and true, I know he still loves me and cares the most about what I want. Hes been my best friend for 11 years and we really want to keep a solid friendship. We know we can't stay together like this and be happy, so it's just a matter of figure out what todo and when.

Hes still at the point of not wanting anything todo with this lifestyle and that is why he has hidden it so long. With covid he has been working from home and has had so much time to his own thoughts which has made this hard to keep in any longer.

Where can I find the first aid kit?

Thank you

Sara—I'm so sorry you're hurting. This situation is a million times more devastating when there are young children involved...so my heart aches for you.

You seem like you are really keeping it together well...which is great for your son's sake...But...my piece of advice: Let yourself feel all of the emotions...including anger (which may come and go in waves). It's a healthy and normal part of the grieving process.

I understand you may have to live together while you're figuring things out. IMO the worst thing you can do right now (for your own mental well-being) is continue to sleep with your husband...Separate rooms would be ideal if possible. It is really common for couples to "trauma bond" during this time...but that will only cause you more pain and confusion in the long run...and prolong the healing process for both of you. A couples/family therapist may be able to help you get closure and navigate next steps (including co-parenting, etc.)

Take care...& post here any time you need a sounding board...We all know how hard this is. <3

 

Last edited by Julian_Stone (December 7, 2020 10:38 pm)