Hello,

Like many looking to seek support, I am trying to do the same.....

We have been together for 16 years, married for 11 years with no children.  I believe he is my life, true love, and soulmate. We did everything together and he always was kind, caring, helpful and selfless. Everyone enjoyed his friendship and if you asked anyone, no one would have anything bad to say about him. My family loves him as my sisters all have broken marriages and have taught their kids to look up to us as what a "perfect" marriage and spouse should be. All of our friends would say we have the perfect marriage. We get along great, but he always told me he never felt "good enough" for me. I never understood why. He also always "hated his body" and had issue with his size. I know we all have body image issues, I wish I had better abs and body too.

All this "perfect" marriage and planning our future came to an end when he called last week to tell me his "secret". He's been crossdressing since the age of 10 off an on. I had NO IDEA! When we first were dating I found women's clothes in his apartment. He told me it was his ex-girlfriends. I had no reason to not believe him and crossdressing was NOT even on my mind ever. He told me since I found those clothes and he tossed them he had never done it since and suppressing his emotions. He always knew he was not comfortable in his skin but didn't know why as he thought this was just a "phase". Last year while we had an overseas trip, I remained and he came back to the US. He crossdressed while I was away, but still not knowing what this was to him. A few weeks ago, he went back South to be with his mom for Thanksgiving while I remained on the East coast. I was due to meet him later this week. Before he left, he created an new mail and new Amazon account and bought clothes, shoes, hair, makeup and was dressing this way for 2 weeks. He said it made him feel good and instead of tossing it out, he realized his bouts of depression and sucidial thoughts and hating himself for not being good enough was all due to his identity issue. My painful conversation with him led me to him being a crossdresser and not a phase, to wanting to be a crossdresser full time, to being a transgender female, to possibly transgender bi female.

My emotional roller coaster is.....
1) I felt betrayal and hatred that he took 16 years of my life. Even if he has any doubt for his identity he should have told me or at least let me go to discover himself.
2) We are not able to have kids due to him. We tried 5 IVF attempts, I almost died and the estrogen hormones caused me to be borderline bouts with breast cancer. I am not able to have kids due to my age. I feel like he robbed me of being a mother with someone else.
3) He's been telling me he "didn't" know and didn't want this any of this and he didn't wish to be this way but he is this way.
4) I am very close to his widowed mother. I made her a promise just 2 weeks ago I would care for her during her elder years b/c her son is the responsible child. She is heartbroken and can't accept this but doesn't want to let him know.
5) I don't know how to let go of my "true love" and "soulmate" because you only find it once in your lifetime. I really believe he is and he believes I am as well. But how do you go on for 16 years and not bear your soul to your "soulmate". Was I on a one way "soulmate" train? He said he knows that he found "true love" with me and I believe him.
6) He said the love we have couldn't outweigh all the anxiety and depression he has been feeling recently and that he needed to tell me or the pressure would make him sucidial and die. This is the reason he knew all the hurt and pain but it was our perfect life or his death.

He's been very remorseful and doesn't want to see me hurt and in pain. I was upset and hated him in the first 36 hours, but then I have to believe him when he tells me he "doesn't want this".  I've been listening to all these podcast about how not to let a break up break you, how to find yourself during a break up, etc. Then I listen to how when you find true love that nothing can break that if you believe they are your soulmate.

As crazy as this sounds, I was willing to give it a try. Even able to accept him as a transfemale since he said he's attracted to women, but then he throws in the thought of a male hitting on me doesnt repulse me if I'm a "women", so now he maybe bi. I know I am so foolish to want to be with my "soulmate" in every sense, physically and emotionally and romatically. One day I will just hear, I'm no longer attracted to you, but now with men. I know I am delaying the inevitable. I am filing for divorce, but struggle how to remain in his life.

Thanks for listening.

Last edited by LostAtSea (December 7, 2020 1:23 pm)