Sonata,
I wonder what the meaning of "making the marriage work" is to your husband. Because obviously it's not working for you. 

I think his focus at the moment is (still) mainly on himself, directed inward. He has to deal with his sexuality... his feelings... keeping it in check. Maybe he thinks that's the solution to make it work, and this should be sufficient for you too.
It all turns around his gay/bi sexuality as the central gravity point of the marriage, and you are also sucked into orbit. It's not surprising you don't feel passion as the attention is directed on this center, and you're not there in that center.
He probably doesn't fully understand how this impacts you, maybe he hears it but it doesn't really sink in. Not like: "OMG I'm doing it all wrong" (maybe his whole life long?) and "my wife should be the focus of my love and nothing else".

Love means his focus is on you, accepting who you are as a person, understanding your needs emotionally and sexually. Going for that goal, maybe not always perfect but that should be his strive.
And that's in the first place a choice, an act of the will: putting you in that central place within himself.
(This is actually the main subject in my wife's posts: the shift of priority in her thinking that was essential to connect to me. For me to feel her love and passion, but also for her to truly understand my feelings).


You shouldn't allow yourself to think you aren't attractive enough. As if somehow faults or shortcomings of you are to blame. It's not!
It's a common pitfall to be thinking like that, but it's caused by feeling rejected and not receiving the acknowledgment you need. It's not because of you, but it's ONLY caused by your husbands sexuality and how that made you feel.

True, with age the body becomes less glamorous than when we were twenty. It would be strange to expect otherwise. If I expected my wife to look the same as thirty years ago, I would be the one who has a problem, not she.
Yes, man are visual beings. But I'll tell you a secret, our attention is set to all the beauty the wife we love has to offer (because that's important to us) and we simply ignore possible shortcomings (because they are not of interest to us). 
So if a man starts nagging about the looks of his wife, very likely there is some other problem in the relation that is the real cause. 


All of this has a huge impact on you, it shows how extremely important it is for your husband to really accept you who you are and work towards you. 
He has to realize your importance, his responsibility for your wellbeing if he chooses to go for the marriage. That he stands up to himself and decides that if he loves you, he's not going to let it happen you are being hurt.
It starts with conviction (choice), feelings follow, these lead to actions. And this will also heal you eventually.
But he has to (want to) take these steps.

edit...
My wife and I talked about it some more this morning and SamanthaNL wondered if you also read her post of a few months ago. Because it was split up in two parts (first one to Lily, but some days later another post specifically in reponse to you), she thought you could easily have missed it. 
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=25069#p25069
 

Last edited by Dutchman (December 6, 2020 9:05 am)

stevo wrote:

I have noticed that there are a lot of beautiful women out there! nuff said.

Yes, Stevo! I'm still with my spouse, too...but one effect his coming out had on me is that I notice other guys more now...I used to find myself quickly breaking eye contact when I'd catch an attractive man checking me out on the train or wherever...I no longer do that...There's a certain sort of comfort in knowing that there's a great big world of possibilities out there.