Hi TangledOil,

I really appreciate your response.  It was helpful.  My husband and I read it together and that lead to a good discussion.  He said he does feel that he is cycling in the ways you describe.  He said your post rang true for him.  It helps explain these dry periods.  Thank you.  

We decided that we will figure out what to do and try to give ourselves till the beginning of the year to figure out what we want to do.  We'd like to make our marriage work but we aren't sure we can get around these issues.  
I am not sure how to get over the infidelity and how do you regain trust?  Would love to talk sometime.

Last edited by Sonata (November 21, 2020 11:35 pm)

Sonata,
Regaining trust is not easy and takes time. The first year after the moment my wife told me she was lesbian, I couldn't imagine trust would ever be back like it was before.
First my trust took a hit by the fact of her sexual orientation itself. Would it mean our marriage was eventually doomed, because someday she would have to follow up on her sexuality?
The other factor that eroded my trust in her quite a lot, was she emotionally couldn't let go of the woman she'd fell in love with. Even when it was clear this was hurtful to me.
I felt rejected, disappointment over what my marriage seemly had been and turned out to. My wife was glad to have discovered who she was, but what about me then? 
During that year it felt more and more hopeless and going nowhere, after some time I reluctantly was starting to consider divorce. 

Although we set some good starting principles and genuinely wanted to stay together, there were several things we didn't do right during that first year:
- We talked, but it only scratched the surface. More like splashing around to keep the head above the water, not really learning to swim.
- We accepted my wife's sexuality which was good, but she hadn't a clue how to really give this a place in herself, with herself being in our relation. Of course, we tried to deal with it, but that was considering the practical consequences. 
- We should have gone for professional support, ie. a therapist who has knowledge and experience about these situations.

All in all we were actually trying to find a work around, (of course we didn't realize this at the time). But we should have gone for a real solution, and in the first place that meant talking on a deeper level. That's something one has to learn. At the time we didn't realize that, after all we did talk, and that wasn't about the weather.
(but when I compare it to how we talked years later, there's a world of difference). Also the "not wanting to hurt each other" plays a role, that's not intended as being dishonest/lying, but it hinders the level of openness and transparency that is needed. My wife could pull up a wall, and no matter how much I tried, nothing.
I had my limitations also, didn't know how to deal with this. Which made it harder for my wife to open up. I suppressed my emotions for the good of the cause, but that's not good either.
The other issue was wife handling her sexuality. She accepted it and gave it in a place in herself, which was good (no denial). But by consequence, in her dealing with me she had to go around it. (indeed: a "work around"). Obviously this is only a superficial solution to a much deeper problem that must be solved. 

Well this approach doesn't work (or at least wouldn't have for us). If we wanted to find a way, we had to go really in and through it. No short cuts or half-baked solutions are allowed.
Maybe coming to the point that it looked like we would fail was a reality check. The realization we just had to do it different, no loop holes or escapes. We had to talk much better, we had to find a way with her sexual orientation. 
With determination to make real choices, but also using rational thinking.
For instance consciously selecting a therapist, not just picking from the top 5 google suggests. So getting well-informed about his/her knowledge about sexual orientation issues and MOM's. Also the stance he/she is having towards it.
There are very different opinions also among therapists. What is good for a single adolescent LGB, is not necessarily the course a LGB in a MOM should follow. (same goes for straights of course, but to some the magic "LGB" word seems to trigger a totally different set of rational).
You have to know what you want to achieve with therapy and whether the therapist is capable and willing to align with that goal. Most important for my wife was to understand being lesbian was not her all defining identity, but merely a part/aspect of her being. This was an all important first step she learned from her therapist. This functioned as a  base, a relativation that opened up paths to different stories and outcomes than the default.
Also the not-straight spouse often tends not to really grasp the impact all has on the straight spouse. Thinking they can cope with it within themselves, try to work around. Like I wrote, this won't do.
We decided for individual therapy for my wife on the matter of sexual orientation in a MOM, and couples counseling to improve communication and coping with the overall emotional side of our relation. This makes sense because these were exactly the two (different) aspects that were central to the situation. Both forms of professional help meant a lot to us.

Back to the regaining trust.

Not dealing with the problems thorougly won't help much regaining trust. It will just affirm the notion that it's not going anywhere in the future.

In contrast, when we started addressing the problems we had in a real way, it slowly but surely led to regaining trust.
By talking I got an open and honest view on my wives thoughts and feelings. Step by step leading to know that "What you see (and hear) is what you get", well... close enough.
My wife started to define the way she chose how to deal with her sexual orientation. This took time to develop, but I recognized the direction she was going and this assured me we were on the right track.
By the end of that second year, the first signs of our regained trust started to show. Fully regaining trust, and actually better than it was before, took more years. Frustrating as it may seem, it takes a lot of time. But not just "time", it's the way that time is actively used to built ourselves and the relation that matters.