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1 of 1- Sonata
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Learning a lot
So therapy has been very interesting. I am realizing that I have a lot of co-dependancy issues to work out and I'm 54 and thought I had worked them out....hahaha.
I grew up in a pretty abusive household as a child and I don't think I learned what a good marriage is. There are many aspects of my marriage that are good. Despite everything, I do feel my husband loves me and I do love him. I'm just not sure I will be staying married. Time will tell. We are not fighting, there is no rancor. I am just aware that I want the cycle to stop. The cycle is that my husband becomes distant and keeps to himself more, I pursue him relentlessly in hope of connecting....we connect and get close. I freak out when we are too close and he keeps to himself and the cycle begins again. I can see it very clearly now. I don't know how his bisexuality fits in there but it is definitely a side he has kept to himself. I also find it interesting that the two men I have lived with in my life (my husband and ex-boyfriend) both have had sexual experiences with men. I'm sure you or any psychologist could have a field day with that.....
So here I am trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together and figure out what I really want. My husband and I are working hard to communicate clearly and see what our relationship will be in the future. We have our son who is 13. He is autistic and has been through a lot (he also has major health issues.) We want to be there for our son. Oddly, we want to be there for each other.
So here's to this weird, in between place. I am praying for clarity and I know clarity is not in the head but in the heart/gut. My head says to hell with it all, I'm outta here.....my heart says....hold up....wait...see...
I feel calm and not too sad today. So God bless you all and I am thankful for this site and you lovely people.
- Julian_Stone
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Re: Learning a lot
You don't have to make any decisions today or tomorrow...It's great that you're getting some one-on-one time with a therapist...I'm listening to a podcast now with Psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg...He reframed "co-dependency" as "self-love deficiency." He said: If you can heal the reasons that created your self-love deficiency, you can see the light, embrace your past as a learning experience, learn to love yourself, and heal....so you don't repeat the cycle.
I believe it is Lily who often says: Be your own best friend. I think that's really great advice. We get so wrapped up in trying to untangle our partners' sexuality, we often lose ourselves. Self-love & self-care are so important.
Take care <3
Last edited by Julian_Stone (November 18, 2020 11:59 pm)
- Sonata
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Re: Learning a lot
Hello Julian_Stone
Thank you so much for your post. I really like the reframing of co-dependency as self-love deficiency. That is right and beautiful because it is true and because it changes the issue into one with mercy and not self loathing. Thank you for sharing that.
I have become increasingly aware that learning to love myself more is the key to freedom because then when we love ourselves, we know we are whole with or without the other.
Blessings,
Sonata
Last edited by Sonata (November 19, 2020 12:19 am)
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Learning a lot
I agree about the codependency but would argue in a normal relationship some codependency is expected and a normal thing.
It's when one spouse changes the dynamic or mutual deal and hurts the other that the codependency requires detailed looking at from Rosenbergs point of view.
To me it was I realized she was hurting me and not my friend anymore
that I looked at Rosenberg self love deficit disorder and realized how much I had allowed her to do in my life..alienate my family and friends, choose her interests over mine, etc. Ill admit some of it was me just giving in to the narcissism and not love for myself. With my GX though it was never enough. In a normal relationship it should have been enough but not with her.
With my GX actively and blatantly hurting me though it was clear to see I needed self love as she was not going to give me any. I think that is how Rosenberg is trying to help people
.we empaths give and give..we love fiercely and unselfishly. But we should not have to light ourselves on fire to keep our spouse warm.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Learning a lot
Julian_Stone wrote:
............... Psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg...He reframed "co-dependency" as "self-love deficiency." ...................
Self-love deficiency.....doesn't roll off the tongue like co-dependency does it? I've said in another post on another topic that I only learned I was co-dependent when the Mindfuck changed the dynamics of my then 32 yr r'ship. Up until then, even though I was facing r'ship challenges, we were a team... each with different traditional roles
I myself don't like the term "self-love deficiency"
I'll see if I can think of something different....better
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Sonata
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Re: Learning a lot
Agreed Rob....I am becoming aware for the first time that I have been making requests for deeper communication, intimacy and partnership and getting stonewalled. It is subtle but he tends to see lack of providing me with these things as a mental health problem and being unable in many ways. I am done helping him figure it all out. There is nothing wrong with my wanting these things....normal in marriage. He is going to have to want to change but if he doesn't learn to communicate and keeps part of himself secret and to himself, then I will have my answer and will have to split up. I feel clearer than I have in years. I used to think I was just too much emotionally.
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Thread Starter