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An update: the USPS tracking on my restricted certified letter to Steve's wife says "in transit," not "out for delivery," so it will probably arrive tomorrow.
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Interesting info, Buck. My husband hasn’t done anything with a man in 32 years and even then it was minimal. He says he’d consider himself heteoflexable/bisexual and 30% (Kinsey 1-2). I’m not sure if he really knows though since he’s not really acted on it. From talking to him I think the fantasy of it seems better than the reality of being with a man. He’s admitted as much, but we’ll continue to talk.
I’m very nervous for the wife you sent the letter to. I’m pretty sure in some states people can be sued for revealing unsolicited info.
Tangled
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TangledOil wrote:
Interesting info, Buck. My husband hasn’t done anything with a man in 32 years and even then it was minimal. He says he’d consider himself heteoflexable/bisexual and 30% (Kinsey 1-2). I’m not sure if he really knows though since he’s not really acted on it. From talking to him I think the fantasy of it seems better than the reality of being with a man. He’s admitted as much, but we’ll continue to talk.
I’m very nervous for the wife you sent the letter to. I’m pretty sure in some states people can be sued for revealing unsolicited info.
Tangled
TO,
How are you so positive he hasn't done anything with a man in 32 years? If i never stumbled upon text messages, I would be saying the same thing. He was talented in that he could hook up quickly while going to pick up more milk. Also, it sounds like your relationship is based on him suppressing that side of him. What if he does try it again one day and it is everything he fantasized about and more? I don't mean to offend you or sound harsh, so I'm sorry if I am coming off that way. He could very well be faithful, but you just sound like me before everything hit the fan. Be well.
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Hurt and Confused,
I know my husband. I have no concerns that he has cheated. Zero. Yes, there’s been some suppressing, but I’ve also known from the beginning of our relationship nearly 30 years ago. Anyway, like I said I have zero concerns. You’d have to know my husband. There are many monogamous bisexual people. They don’t all cheat. The interesting thing with my husband is he doesn’t like men although he has an interest in a penis. I’ve been coming across more men like my husband on Reddit. We’re thinking that stems from the abuse and a general distrust in men. On a final note, not everyone lies and cheats.
edited ... I know probably the same way Dutchman knows. My husband and I have a great relationship and even more so since his revelation. We talk about everything, all our desires. There's never been any gaslighting from him, etc... I could go on and on.
Tangled
Last edited by TangledOil (November 18, 2020 11:36 am)
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longwayhome,
Yes, that was the same in a way for my husband. We view it as a midlife crisis. They do happen. They are real. And interestingly enough they are mostly a western world phenomenon. Not all cultures experience midlife crises. Your husband and mine probably always had at least a limited desire. I don’t recall your situation specifically so I don’t know, but my husband told me he just always considered himself “damaged” from the abuse he endured as a child. It never crossed his mind to consider himself (heteroflexable) bisexual until the last couple years. He was determined to not let the damage the perpetrator inflicted to ruin his marriage, family, career, etc... He still feels the SSA was from the abuse and even if it wasn’t he won’t let it ruin all the great things he has in life. When he revealed to me his SSA he thought he may need to try it out. He was in a dark place. I honestly thought he needed antidepressants ASAP. He was so distraught over all of it. Time has given him much needed perspective and he’s focusing on all the fantastic things we have in our lives which are plentiful. My husband and I watched gay porn and straight porn from the beginning almost 30 years ago. I was aware on some level of his SSA. Honestly I was probably more accepting of it (less freaked out by it) than he was.
Tangled
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longwayhome wrote:
What we had was real and that is why I say, bisexuals, their sexual attraction can change, which means they don’t stop loving their wife, but their sexual desires starts to slide more to the other side..
I disagree in my husband's situation. His desire hasn't changed any. His acceptance of and perspective on his desire has evolved over time though which may, to some, seem like his desire has changed.
Last edited by TangledOil (November 18, 2020 12:41 pm)
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Today's update: there was a delivery attempt of my letter this morning, but the recipient was not available, so they left a notice. She picked it up at the local post office this afternoon. That's good, because I imagine she was alone. It's done. Now I need to be prepared in case she does try to contact me at some point. I have some understanding of the dos and don'ts from reading about it and listening to podcasts from the Straight Spouse Network. Apologize, listen, act humble, answer her questions honestly, but don't give her more than she wants to know. While I do have some fond memories, I imagine it would be best that I try to stay even-keeled and don't gush. I want to be as sensitive and understanding as possible. I don't know if she will contact me, but if she does, I don't want to make things any more painful for her than they already are. Feel free to offer any advice you think might be helpful. You all have been fair with me and provided solid advice. I'm here to hopefully better understand what she might be feeling and to be sensitive to her pain. Again, I respect this forum, I respect all of you, and I thank you for being so honest and helpful.
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Hi Buck,
You seem to be an honorable person who is trying to make things right. I wish someone had clued me in on my husband's proclivities. It seems like post-divorce, there were a number of people who knew yet none of them thought to update me in real time and so I lived in a fantasy world that maybe we could still make it work ...
It is hard to say what your outcome might be. If it was me, I would contact you and get as much information as possible. Some people don't want to know. Some don't want to believe. There is a lot of denial in relationships, sadly. If only we could all be honest.
I wish you the best and I hope everything works out okay for you. If I were you, I would put this to rest if the wife doesn't respond to you. You did what you thought was best. You don't know what is happening on the other side.
Take care.
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I second what Leslie said. If you don’t hear from her this should be the end of it. Hopefully you won’t ever hear from the husband either. I’d avoid him like the plague.
Wishing you the best.
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Leslie77 and TangledOil, thank you. I did say in the letter that it would be my last contact attempt because I was worried my electronic messages were marked as spam. However, I underscored my willingness to talk if she has questions and needs more context. Yes, the issue is for them to work through as a couple, no matter the outcome. I wish them both the best, and hopefully, once they get past the pain, they both will be able to enjoy a life free of lies and deception, whether together or separate. I hope, in the long run, my disclosure will help them. I feel awful, though. I have learned from this. I will make sure I'm never tricked into a relationship with a married or partnered man again.