Thanks for posting SusannaH. Look I hope it all works out my friend and that you're happy. A question. You wrote: "He’d go to the [porn] store or the guy’s house, do the deed & leave." Who's house was he going to? 

Last edited by Séan (November 12, 2020 3:03 pm)

dutchman - you are missing my point.  Just because I didn't know I was straight didn't mean I wasn't aware of my feelings towards the opposite sex.  that's the point.  your wife might be able to say she didn't know she was a lesbian but can she say she didn't know she was attracted to girls? 

I think when you are going to insist on being highly unusual then it is more that the onus falls to demonstrate that than to question the validity of a person saying it is not like that for most people.  Most people don't have a third eye in their forehead, in fact I do not know of a single case of this and if someone told me they had a third eye my first thought would be to look and see if it were painted on.

you easily related to my stories of feeling that attraction at an early age.  I can still remember the name of that six year old boy!  initials NR was dark haired and handsome and leader of the boys.  He liked chasing the girls and I got really upset one break when he locked us in the Wendy house because we couldn't respond when the teacher rang the bell so we planned it and when he chased us into the Wendy house next break one girl was hiding behind the front door and we ran out the back door and locked them in, but then he was really upset.  see, I can tell a whole story!

don't you think your wife has similar stories?

Julian_Stone wrote:

Sean: “(My favourite) It’s just sex. I don’t want a relationship with another man.”

If you're willing to entertain my curiosity, Sean—Why do you think this is so common? (particularly among men who identify as bisexual—or some other label like "heteroflexible" or "heteromantic"?)
Do you think it is internalized homophobia? Or maybe as a result of porn (which rarely portrays romantic connections) being their outlet? 

I'm just curious if you had any thoughts on this because it's such a common thread here.
 

I imagine this is just someone’s opinion, but I read recently that some men are (probably?) sexually gay and romantically straight (explaining why they marry straight women). I don’t know if that has any scientific studies behind it or not, but it’s one answer anyway.

Last edited by SusanneH (November 12, 2020 5:14 pm)

Thank you for writing everyone. In reply to JS: 

If you're willing to entertain my curiosity, Sean—Why do you think this is so common? (particularly among men who identify as bisexual—or some other label like "heteroflexible" or "heteromantic"?): "It's just sex. I don't want a relationship with another man." Do you think it is internalized homophobia? Or maybe as a result of porn (which rarely portrays romantic connections) being their outlet? I'm just curious if you had any thoughts on this because it's such a common thread here.

I'm happy to share my opinion but please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional. I think SusannaH might have quoted my previous posts about men who are "sexually gay yet emotionally straight." Yes I believe that men who have sex with other men and yet deny wanting to have a relationship with another man is a form of internalized homophobia. I know because I've experienced it first-hand. 

When I was going through puberty, naturally I started having sexual dreams about teen guys my age. What's strange is that even in my dreams, I still couldn't bring myself to kiss these classmates I fantasized about. It's something that I saw quite a bit back in my gay porn watching days. There are a lot of men who identify as straight and do gay porn for the money. While these men are willing to do almost anything sexual with another man, most of them refuse to kiss another man. It's as if kissing another man and enjoying it would somehow destroy a man's fragile straight identity. Most gay-in-denial men follow the same script of internalized homophobia. Sometimes they even brainwash loving straight wives into believing their bullsh*t. And that script sounds something like:

GAY PORN
- Of course I don't watch gay porn. LIE/DENIAL 
- Yes I watched gay porn once, but didn't like it. MINIMIZATION  
- Ok so I've watched gay porn for years, but I was just curious. MINIMIZATION 
- Ok so I've been jerking to gay porn for most of my life, but only because my wife won't have sex with me. LIE/BLAME SHIFT/GASLIGHTING 

GAY SEX
- Of course I've never had sex with another man. LIE/DENIAL
- Ok so a guy blew me once, but I didn't like it. MINIMIZATION 
- Ok so I had sex with a guy once, but I was drunk. MINIMIZATION 
- Ok so I've been f*cking guys for most of our marriage, but I don't want a relationship with any of these guys. I'm just acting out because I was molested as a child and if you loved me, you'd support me. LIE/BLAME SHIFT/GASLIGHTING. 

So why do so many gay-in-denial men say: 

"It's just sex. I don't want a relationship with another man."

Look in my book, if you watch gay porn, jerk off to gay porn, and have sex with men, there is no question that you're gay. But I now know that some men who have spent a lifetime lying to themselves and others about their homosexuality simply can't bring themselves to say, "I'm gay" even in the face of overwhelming proof. My boyfriend of eight years often claims he's still attracted to women, but only when we're around straight couples. My response is always the same: "Honey tell them the last time you had sex with a woman." He then sheepishly replies, "1993." So even when men are out and in long-term relationships, they still can feel the need to pass as straight. I reckon it's just the programming. End of rant! 

Séan wrote:

 My boyfriend of eight years often claims he's still attracted to women, but only when we're around straight couples. My response is always the same: "Honey tell them the last time you had sex with a woman." He then sheepishly replies, "1993." So even when men are out and in long-term relationships, they still can feel the need to pass as straight. I reckon it's just the programming. End of rant! 

Sean,

I would suspect that your partner is bisexual. My husband hasn’t touched any part of a mans body in over 32 years. 32+ years ago it was mutual masterbation he engaged in. That was the extent of it. Even though he hasn’t done anything with a man in several decades he’d stall call himself bisexual. 

Tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (November 12, 2020 9:34 pm)