Gosh, that’s hard. I’m so sorry. I told my husband if we divorced over this we’d absolutely tell the kids it’s on him. Our kids are between 12 and 21. I told my husband this is not at all on me and I’m not going to take responsibility for it. It sucks either way, but the kids will figure it out eventually anyway. I’m sorry I’m of no real help. 

Last edited by TangledOil (November 7, 2020 11:19 pm)

Respectfully, Rob, these children are not going to have a mom and a dad.  They're going to have a mom and a person who was their dad but now wants to be their mom. 

My husband also decided he was transgender.  At first he was hellbent on transition, but when he realized that he would not pass (he's 6'4", size 13 shoes, 300 pounds) and he would lose some of the benefits he currently enjoys as a man at work, he decided to stay in the closet.  When he was hellbent on transition, our son's reaction was the last thing on his mind.  When he decided to stay in the closet, when we divorced he was adamant that our adult son should not be told the real reason I was divorcing his father.  I let my husband browbeat me into a mealy-mouthed "we're happier apart," which I later emended to "People don't get divorced after 35 years of marriage because they're 'happier apart.'  We got divorced because of a secret of your father's that is his to tell you about. If you ask him, however, I know he will say 'It's a private matter,' and won't tell you." I followed up by saying that if his father wouldn't tell him, and he wanted to know, I would tell him.  He has not wanted to know.  
   
    I now very much regret not telling my son the truth, up front.  I don't like having this unsaid thing between us.  I wanted an honest relationship with my son, and I still do.  As time passes, it gets more complicated to tell the truth rather than less.  I thought that perhaps as time passed the truth might matter less; my son and I have a loving relationship, and maybe we don't need to have that honesty, but it still bothers me.  One reason for this is that I have watched as my ex husband and his sister, with whom he is inordinately close and who is the only other person who knows of my ex's secret, have launched a campaign to preemptively secure my son's loyalty in the event of my son finding out (whether I tell him, or he finds out, or my ex again decides he wants to come out publicly).  

  Your situation is not mine, of course.  You have two young children, both on the cusp of adolescence.  I think I remember that your husband is planning to live openly as if he were a woman.  They are going to be negotiating their adolescence at the same time their father reveals his new gender identity.  That's going to be hard on them.  I don't see how they will be served by some sort of trickle-truth about your husband's gender reveal, or if they have to observe him transform by degrees with no one telling them what it is they are seeing.  For them to be able to process their own feelings, they are going to need some certainty about what the situation is, not constantly be in a relationship to whatever new thing their father is doing and revealing.  

  What I suspect lies behind your husband's desire not to tell them the truth is that your husband wants to both retain every relationship he has intact, and yet transform himself.  He doesn't want to lose anything he has while gaining what he wants that he doesn't have.  He wants it all.  He wants there to be no consequences for his choices. Well, life doesn't work like that.  Your family is undergoing a massive change.  It isn't going to be "a family" any more.  It's going to be Mom and kids, and Once-Dad-Now-PseudoMom and kids.  He's going to have to deal with his children's reaction to the transformation of their father, and it's going to be tough on them.  And in this case, the people whose interests and needs should come first are your children's.  

 I don't think there's a good way to do this.  All I know is that walking back an explanation, or parsing it out in dribs and drabs to your children, did not work out as I had hoped it would.

  I don't know if "Stronger Than I Knew" still reads here, but maybe you could send a private message to her; she dealt with a transitioning spouse and her children.
    
   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 8, 2020 7:47 am)

Each family's situation is unique.  It's not even fair for me to comment, but I'll do it.

Tell the truth.  It's ugly, unfortunate and not easy.  The reason why you are divorcing is because your husband was dishonest with you about his gender identity.  If you "come up with a neutral explanation" (that is, "lie to") your children as your therapist suggests, you are teaching them that lying is ok.  Lies are the reason that you ended up married to a transgendered woman.  And your gut is telling you that lying is wrong, too.

Heck, no.  Get out of his closet and model truthful behavior for your kids.  Set the foundation for them to live an honest life and be honest with their future partners.  At some point, they are going to know the truth, anyway, because dad is going to show up in a dress. 

I’m in a similar position however my one child is much younger and I can only dream of a move out date. That said my estranged spouse put a lot of pressure for me to be the one to explain to or child or at least come up with what to say. I’ve pushed back on this as it is not my choice and not my story. While other issue at play with how much I am expected to do for him (mentally, financially, etc etc). Also different is that in my case the “associate counselor” went all in right off the bat for all manner of changes and pills/shots and so forth so my child has seen all sorts of external changes (and a father that pays attention only when it suits as the self-obsession is out of this world) but does not call dad she/her or anything. Spouse has told about their new name and has said thing like “you have a girl mom and a girl dad” that just does not click with a child that age. Also does not align with my views on the matter.

It is fantastic how you have therapy for yourself and are a solid and supporting parent for your children. It is such difficult thing to go through and difficult to have so much of your life upended. A common recommendation I have seen is to assure the kid’s that they are loved and that they will be taken care of. As their mother you will know best what some of their concerns will be when told dad will be living elsewhere. Do you think they will want to know why or will be more interested in where they will live and if they will have two homes? Guess it would be good to have an explanation if they do ask why. Makes it difficult when you have no idea when/if he will be expressing his changes. Would something along the lines of “dad has some personal things to work out” be suitable? Vague enough that it does not put it on you to “out” him but is honest. With reassurances/explanation of what impact there will be for day to day things like if they will all still have the same home with you and if they will have to have a visit schedule or something.

So sorry you are going through this.