Sure—attraction to others is completely normal. But no one gets married expecting to fool around with others in a few years. I mean...what would be the point of being married? I don’t get it. Gay/straight/bi doesn’t matter. Monogamy is monogamy. Bisexuals don’t get a special pass just because they’re capable of being attracted to both spouses. Most of them agree with that. I would *personally* request a peaceful divorce if my husband ever asked me for a pass to fool around with anyone (man or woman doesn’t matter)....because the spouse that wants an open marriage is literally saying you are not enough....and I know I wouldn’t be able to get over that...That’s just me.

I don’t care what anyone else does in their marriage...nor should you. I very firmly believe no one should agree to any arrangement they’re uncomfortable with. That will only lead to resentment.

Like I said, I personally don’t see the point in being married if you’re wanting multiple partners. I honestly don’t even understand how anyone would juggle all of that (along with work, hobbies, children, etc.)

Hi Sean, I'd like to ask if you have any advice for my son. He is 23 and his wife is 22, they have been married a little over a year, and she came out as a lesbian back in July. They are trying to figure out how to go forward. They both say they love each other, and want to live, for now, as roommates, and they feel very close to each other, like family. There has been no infidelity, in fact, she has never even been with a woman, she discovered she is gay during therapy for childhood trauma. Long story short, I'm concerned for his mental health, living in the home they've shared as newlyweds, being reminded everyday of what can not be for them. I'd like to see him move out, get a divorce and rip the bandaid off so to speak. They don't feel any hurry to do so. Like you said in your post, she seems to have the better end of the deal here. If you were talking to him, what would you say? Thanks in advance

Thank you for writing Sadmom and Virion. In response to your posts: 

1. Sadmom wrote: Hi Sean, I'd like to ask if you have any advice for my son. He is 23 and his wife is 22, they have been married a little over a year, and she came out as a lesbian back in July.

Ok. Let's correct that and say: "She admitted she had lied about her sexuality, until she came out to my son last July." Please also keep in mind while reading my replies that I am not a mental health professional. 

2. They are trying to figure out how to go forward. They both say they love each other, and want to live, for now, as roommates, and they feel very close to each other, like family.

Ok. "Disclosure" is when a gay spouse admits to being gay or, alternatively, when a straight spouse finds irrefutable proof of his/her spouse's homosexuality. So following "disclosure", most couples try to stay together for a time. It rarely lasts.   

3. There has been no infidelity, in fact, she has never even been with a woman, she discovered she is gay during therapy for childhood trauma.

Sigh. I call bullsh*t. Most gay people knew they were "different" starting around age 5 or 6. At least once, I'd like to read the following: a gay spouse who admits he/she is gay; admits they were born gay; sincerely apologizes for cheating; and further acknowledges they married an opposite-sex partner to hide their sexuality. I'm rather exhausted by all of these gay people trying to explain away their God-given sexuality by making up stories of childhood sexual abuse, overbearing mothers/fathers, and distant fathers/mothers. We're just gay...period! 

4. Long story short, I'm concerned for his mental health, living in the home they've shared as newlyweds, being reminded everyday of what can not be for them.

I'm very sorry your son is going through this. The moment she came out, their marriage died. When someone dies, we bury them. We'd never live with a corpse and nor should he continue living with (or perhaps in) a dead relationship. Your poor son must be an emotional zombie. I hope he's ok.  

5. I'd like to see him move out, get a divorce and rip the bandaid off so to speak.

AMEN! 100% agree. You didn't mention any kids/grandkids so everyone dodged a bullet on that one...silver linings! 

6. They don't feel any hurry to do so. Like you said in your post, she seems to have the better end of the deal here. If you were talking to him, what would you say?

Run! Tell your son to run like his hair's on fire. I am a big believer in the stages of grief, so your son probably won't listen to you until he's worked through the "we're still best friends" denial/bargaining crap. Look I hope that your daughter-in-law is a good person, but I want to caution you that most gay-in-denial spouses are toxic narcissists and manipulators who marry very kind/caring people. Here is a simple test: if your son is a total wreck and she seems just fine, then something is very off. As the mother/mother-in-law, I can appreciate how difficult this is for both you and your family. I would recommend getting him solo counselling. If his (soon to be ex) wife resists and insists on couples counselling, then I'd consult with a mental health professional on your own to determine how to best support your son. As someone who hid his sexuality for most of his life, I know better than anyone that gay-in-denial spouses are more than capable of conjuring up "I was molested" or similar stories to manufacture sympathy and thus trap straight spouses in broken relationships. End of rant! Please keep us posted and don't hesitate to write again with any questions. 

7. Virion wrote: Sean..my "gay " husband now wants a separation because he has found a WOMAN who understands him?

While painful, this is probably a Godsend. Let him go my friend...in fact pay his moving costs. Let your former leech of a husband latch on to a new victim...whether a man or a woman. As for him dating another woman, it's not unusual for older gay-in-denial men to find another "beard." Many often re-marry.  

8. He has also increased his collection of dildos but has stopped wearing underwear..claims he is now bi with female or shemale preferences.

Wow. Why the hell is he telling you all of this? 

9. Is this normal since he told the world he is homosexual? He doesn't need a label by the way quote from himself. ​

You know when you smack a fly and it has this crazy "death buzz", spinning of the floor, before it croaks? While I'm not a mental health professional, I reckon your (soon-to-be-ex) husband is similarly spinning out of control. While I'd encourage you to consult with a divorce lawyer, your therapist, and also close friends/family, I reckon he'd be doing you a favour by moving in with his new victim. Once out of the house, you'll likely start seeing things more clearly. Please be careful and take care of yourself first my friend. Good luck and please keep posting. 

Last edited by Séan (November 11, 2020 5:13 am)

Dutchman wrote:

We consider the "born gay" statement as it's often used, as a limitation of free will. We like to express our freedom of thought and action through choices we make ourselves, not what contemporary culture imposes on us.

I apologize if I’m misinterpreting what you’re saying, Dutchman...but this sounds like the “living a gay lifestyle is a choice” argument religious ring wingers in my country make...So many spouses here are victims of this dangerous line of thinking. (Again, I’m sorry if I’m misunderstanding what you’re saying.)