I'm sorry his crazy merry-go-round continues my friend. Question: would he accept moving out for a trial separation? If he follows the pattern of most gay-in-denial husbands during the pre-separation/divorce part of this journey, get ready for: 

- Pleas to attend couples therapy (during which he'll blame everything on you)
- Stories of sexual abuse (often false/fabricated) to explain why he is "same sex" attracted
- A sudden renewed interest in romance/sex wit his wife (buying you flowers, trying to initiate sex, etc)
- An obsessive interest in fitness, body shaving, new haircut or new clothes...getting ready for gay dating

Please keep posting, going the therapy, and taking care of yourself and your children my friend. Be careful! 

Last edited by Séan (November 7, 2020 10:35 am)

Sean, 

Since at least one in six males have experienced sexual abuse or assault I don’t think a much of it is false or fabricated. 

“Researchers have found that at least 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse or assault, whether in childhood or as adults. And this is probably a low estimate, since it doesn’t include noncontact experiences, which can also have lasting negative effects. If you’ve had such an experience, or think you might have, you are not alone.”

https://1in6.org/get-information/the-1-in-6-statistic/
 

Last edited by TangledOil (November 7, 2020 11:11 pm)

Here again are my thoughts on gay-in-denial husbands who claim childhood sexual abuse. Please keep in mind, however, that I am not a mental health expert and have never been a victim of such abuse. Moreover, I want to express that I believe all sexual abuse is horrible, traumatising for the victims, and (thankfully) illegal. So when a straight spouse hears her husband say, "I was abused" there are two possibilities:

1. It's the truth. 
2. It's a lie. 

If your husband has: lied about his sexuality for your entire marriage; lied about watching gay porn; lied about chatting/posting on Craigslist or Grindr; lied about his sex toy collection; lied about his flashy new underwear; and, most importantly, lied about f*cking men, I think we could agree he might be a pathological liar, particularly when it comes to his sexuality. So when a gay-in-denial husband with a lifelong history of lying claims, "I was sexually abused and this made me gay" I think straight spouses are justified in being skeptical. 

As I wrote in a previous post: "Here now is my second point. When a gay-in-denial husband claims: "I'm attracted to men because I was abused by a man [or my male cousin/brother/etc] as a child." the straight wife's reaction is of course to believe him. She believes him because she wants to understand why her husband has zero sexual attraction to her. She wants an explanation for the porn, the cheating, and the sex toys. But what happens next is where things get complicated. Setting aside the issue of whether the abuse actually happened or not, let's look at the desired outcome. If he truly wants to save his marriage, then he'll do the following:​

1. Share openly about the abuse.
​2. Admit wrongdoing such as watching porn and/or cheating.
​3. Apologize.
​4. Get help via therapy or a 12-step program.
​5. Work like hell to stop acting out, hurting his wife, and thereby heal his marriage.
​6. Intimacy is re-established and the couple enjoys a healthy sex life.​

Here is what I reckon most often happens when a husband claims "I'm attracted to men because I was abused":​

1. He shared about the abuse when his back was against the wall: namely when he got caught yet again or his wife was seriously considering separation/divorce.     
​2. He can't provide details about the abuse or is defensive about sharing information. "It happened so long ago and my uncle is dead."
​3. He refuses to go to therapy or he reluctantly agrees to couples counseling (rather than individual counseling) and then proceeds to blame all of the relationship problems on his straight wife. 
​4. He shows little motivation to deal with any of this and, yet again, the burden somehow shifts to his wife to save the marriage. She does all the reading/research, sets up all the counselling appointments, and then nags him to get involved.
​5. Nothing changes. He's still distant, angry, surfing porn, on Grindr, and the couple still isn't having sex.  ​

My point is child abuse, whether real or fabricated, can often become another excuse to explain away why your  husband f*cks men and watches men f*cking online. Years ago I remember having a chat with my former sister-in-law about her (then) husband. He was a d*ck, a complete and utter d*ck. He wasn't gay but he was still a very volatile, abusive, and angry husband/father. One day she proudly announced to the whole family that all of this was due to an excessively high IQ. "He just got tested!" she gleefully explained waving around his IQ score. Her brother dryly replied: "Ok so he's smart. But he's still a smart *sshole." If your husband claims that he's straight yet gay acting because of X, then logically removing X or dealing with the emotional repercussions of X would then allow him to revert to being normal (or in this case straight). You'd then have a normal marriage. That's the goal? If working through child abuse gets you to a place of happiness, then I say have at it. Sadly it rarely works out that way." 

Last edited by Séan (November 8, 2020 3:55 am)

Thank you for responding TangledOil. I reckon the reason we are in relationships is to be happy, love our partners, and feel loved ourselves. If working through your husband's abuse and attraction to men has improved your relationship, that's the ideal outcome my friend. Most importantly, your husband sounds like a kind, loving, and honest man. He is also bisexual, with an attraction to both women and men. So as long as you or other members are happy in their MOMs, I'm happy for you. Sadly, the reality is much different for most SSN members. For most straight spouses posting here, their husbands are cruel, abusive, and oftentimes fiendishly dishonest. And a majority of the husbands described here are clearly gay men claiming to be bisexual, who never truly demonstrated any sexual interest in their wives...nor any other women really. I reckon all elements were present for your MOM to be a success, before your husband admitted he was bisexual. Sadly, that doesn't appear to be case for most straight wives posting here. Just my thoughts but please feel free to post a rebuttal. I always enjoy a good debate! Thanks again for sharing my friend. Be well. 

Last edited by Séan (November 8, 2020 6:23 am)

Thank you for posting Dutchman. If I'm reading your posts correctly, both you (Dutchman) and TangledOil both appear to be in Mixed Orientation Marriages (or "MOMs"). If this is correct, I have a few questions and please feel free to answer or not: 

1. Are you religious? 
2. Did your spouses come out to you (as gay or bisexual) voluntarily or did you confront them about it? 
3. Have you chosen to remain monogamous or have an open marriage? 
4. Did your spouses tell you about past sexual abuse and, if yes, do they believe this caused their homosexual attractions?
5. Is intimacy/sex important to your relationships and, if yes, do you now have a satisfying sex life with your spouses post-disclosure?
5. Do you still live in fear that he/she is cheating or will perhaps cheat in the future? 
6. Are you happier now that "the secret" is out in the open? 

I look forward to hearing your answers and please only reply if you feel comfortable discussing your mixed orientation marriages (MOMs). Be well!