Rob's advice is really, really good.

Here's the question:  Do you want to continue a marriage with a gay-in-denial husband who lacks empathy and will likely continue to deprive you of intimacy?

You're having trouble moving forward because you invested in this man, and you invested deeply.  He deceived you into doing that, and accepting the truth of all of *this* is really, really difficult.  So many of us have been there.  We get it.

I've written elsewhere that staying together "for the kids" is an epically bad idea.  Trying to make your relationship with your gay husband work is going to divert tremendous amounts of energy from you, which your kids (and you) deserve.  You will be unable to model a healthy relationship for your kids.  And you will likely not be happy trying to perform the impossible task of being a husband to your husband.  He doesn't need or want a wife.  Don't do it.

Good luck.  We are here for you.

Blue Bear wrote:

Rob's advice is really, really good.

Here's the question:  Do you want to continue a marriage with a gay-in-denial husband who lacks empathy and will likely continue to deprive you of intimacy?

You're having trouble moving forward because you invested in this man, and you invested deeply.  

Thanks Blue bear, It is just confusing because he promises that the counsellor has taught him about empathy and he will be more empathic. He also promises sex will improve, that the kisses will come it's just that he is not used to kissing someone. We had 7 years to build this but we didn't. Sometimes I think in my dreams that they might. But that is not reality. 

I think the investment part is my issue. Moving forward. I have this fear about what happens next.

OJECPOMCO wrote:

Thanks Blue bear, It is just confusing because he promises that the counsellor has taught him about empathy and he will be more empathic. He also promises sex will improve, that the kisses will come it's just that he is not used to kissing someone. We had 7 years to build this but we didn't. Sometimes I think in my dreams that they might. But that is not reality. 

I think the investment part is my issue. Moving forward. I have this fear about what happens next.

Coming from me, this is the opposite I would usually suggest. ...that said; I read your posts, and it looks like you’ve been trying to leave for almost a year now. I know it’s hard, but living torn like this isn’t good for you or your children. It sounds like your husband isn’t even trying to give you ANYTHING emotionally or physically. 

What I’ve learned from all this with my bisexual husband is to look at his ACTIONS, not his WORDS. I see the promises in your last post, as well as others: sex will improve, more empathetic, the kisses will come. In your posts from last year there were also promises similar, and yet he still is just promising.

I’m a true believer in trying to make marriages work, including MOM’s, if you can. BUT, BOTH of you have to want it and put the work into it... that means total honesty and a lot of open, honest communication. It hasn’t been easy for us, as my husband isn’t good at sharing his feelings at all, but he wants this to work, and he’s been totally open & honest with me (BTW, this is after he cheated on me with men our entire relationship, 15+ Years. So, stopping for him wasn’t easy, but if he wanted our marriage to work, it had to be done first.) He’s been trying really hard to do the right thing. The main problem he’s had has been keeping a good attitude. And, he knows it & is working on it. It’s now better, too....See the difference. He’s actively trying & things are better, not stagnant any more.  But, it shows that if your husband really wanted to keep your marriage together he would be actively doing something about it.
I don’t like being so negative, but after reading all your posts, I see you have been stuck in the same place for the last year & it hurt me to see it as I could see myself doing the same thing.
All the best to you.
(((((HUGS))))))

SusanneH wrote:

 


What I’ve learned from all this with my bisexual husband is to look at his ACTIONS, not his WORDS. I see the promises in your last post, as well as others: sex will improve, more empathetic, the kisses will come. In your posts from last year there were also promises similar, and yet he still is just promising.

For actions, we have passed the night together thrice this year. On one account, after confessing that he has anxiety and finds communication hard, he had an urge for sex. That didn't happen I have been careful of what I do. 
On the second and third account, he had low libido and attribute it to supplements he was taking. On those weekends we kissed just one or so. 

I am weary about the libido issue, because as I have found, they are not a problem when he watches gay porn. 

I so want this to work. Maybe living in hopium but ......