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1 of 1- SadMom
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Daughter in law Discovered she is gay, my son is devastated
A few months ago, my son's wife realized she is gay. She had told him she was bisexual when they first met. They have been married a little over a year, but she came out to him about a month before their first anniversary. It has been devastating for him and our family. They still love each other and plan to live as roommates/best friends/family members for at least a year until their lease is up. They have separate rooms. He has not taken off his wedding ring, she has. He says this is an easier way to separate, slowly while supporting each other, rather than just ripping off the bandaid. However, I know he is miserable. He actually ended up hospitalized for a short while for substance abuse because he was trying to cope with alcohol. My husband and I are trying to be as supportive as possible, and our son wants us to treat his wife like this has never happened. It's so hard. They were just here visiting a week ago for the first time since we found out what they are dealing with. It is very hard to be around her. I know she loves him, and he loves her. But I also know that she is breaking his heart every single day, even though I understand it's not her fault. They are both in therapy, separately. I wish he would just move out, but I don't say anything because I don't want to make things any harder on him than they already are. I just can't imagine the pain he must feel, because as his mom, I am constantly in pain for him. Is it typical for a couple to do this, try to live together, while navigating how they are going to separate and move on? Neither wants to see other people right now. I feel like it's so unhealthy for my son. I know she is hurting too, but it's hard to empathize, except from my son's point of view. And they are so young, he's 23 and she's 22. Any advice?
- SusanneH
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Re: Daughter in law Discovered she is gay, my son is devastated
I’m so sorry you & they are having to go through this.
But, yes, it is one way couples deal with this....by separating slowly. Everyone does it differently. Some leave right away. Some do like your son & his wife. Some live together as roommates. Some go one & live together as husband & wife (in a MOM -Mixed Orientation Marriage)- that’s what my husband & I have. He’s bisexual.
I know it’s really hard for you, but you’re doing the right thing by not butting in as the loving mother I’m sure you are. I hope your son has quit medicating himself with alcohol or anything else. that’s common, too & only makes things worse. The best thing IMHO is to be supportive of both of them & always be loving.
All the best to you & your family.
((((((HUGS)))))
- SadMom
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Re: Daughter in law Discovered she is gay, my son is devastated
SusanneH, thank you for your response. It really helps to hear you say I'm doing the right thing by staying out of it. I will take your advice to be loving and supportive of them both. As far as I know, he is not using any substances to cope anymore. He went through a short inpatient and then an intensive outpatient therapy program for several weeks, and has decided he can drink socially, on special occasions. So we shall see how that pans out as well. But he said that looking at his situation sober, he sees it as a much smaller problem than it felt like when he was drinking. He feels unconditional love from her, and he appreciates that. So, I need to appreciate that as well, and know that she is there for him. Thank you for your kind words, it truly helps. I wish you and your family the best also.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Daughter in law Discovered she is gay, my son is devastated
When I first arrived here, in the process of discovering I was married to a gay in denial (bisexual) man after a very long marriage, I was given the advice that I won't really start to heal until I leave.
I am old enough to pre-date the term bisexual. My working definition of the term is gay person who is capable of performing sexually with the opposite sex. at least when younger.
I think it's great that she's told him now rather than later, but she still hasn't let him go, has she.
"He feels unconditional love from her". ie he is always seeking her approval to maintain the flow of unconditional love from her but is she always seeking his approval to maintain the flow of love from him?
The observation I have to make of being in a mixed orientation marriage from a young age - just a few weeks of sleeping with a gay in denial person crushed my confidence and I didn't even notice it had happened,
It sounds like your son is highly vulnerable, in a mess right now - I also agree it is the right thing to stay out of it, you are learning more, you are maintaining access - you are there for your son and doing everything in your power to help him.
So that advice I received when I got here - my first thoughts were that I was already healing because I had detached emotionally and I couldn't see that it was going to make a lot of difference, but it did. Being away from him was healing.
Anchoring - if you love someone enough you can anchor them. imo just being with him, spending time with him whenever you can, that's the best thing - you are giving him a hand to hold that's steady.
Hope that helps, Lily
- SadMom
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Re: Daughter in law Discovered she is gay, my son is devastated
Lily, thank you for your very open and honest reply. It makes great sense that true healing would be so difficult if you are still in that dynamic, constantly reminded of what can never be. And no, she definitely hasn't let him go, and I don't think she has any intention of letting him go, because they have decided they want to remain "like family" to each other. And I don't see her seeking approval from him, I haven't thought of that before. Your comment is really eye opening for me. I know this will be a long process, and hopefully, when the time is right, I can share your insights with him. He deserves to find happiness, just like she does. All of this is so helpful, thank you.
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