DeeDee, 

In did it, too. Mine started with him accidentally showing me a nude photo of a guy on craigslist when he was trying to ask a question on how to do something. Of course, he tried to explain it off & even though we never had any problems before, I couldn’t let it lie. The next day I looked in his computer for the first time in 15 years (that’s how much I trusted him). The first thing I saw was an email labeled “SEX”. It was an answer to the CL guy saying "I'm xxx . I live in xxx, am 66yrs old, married & looks like we're interested in the same things (the guy said he liked s*cking & f*cking & could stay hard for 4 hrs) & would like to meet you tomorrow" . That  was the end of my world as I knew it and the beginning of my searching all devices. However, I did it with his permission. When I told him what I saw (BTW, he said he cancelled the meeting mentioned in the email. I believed him. First lie).
I searched for 15 months, finding porn, dating web sites (one with a nude avatar of HIM! Aghhh), emails to men (one of them had a video of him jerking off! Aggghh again). He kept denying even meeting any of those men —-always adamantly & defensively, so I didn’t believe him, but until he admitted something, I couldn’t be sure of anything. Finally 6/1/19, I had enough on one for him to admit to having sex with this man for 2 years at the local porn video store. Then, months later, when I told him I needed a polygraph on all the other men from the computer, he admitted to having sex with men all through our relationship. So, that didn’t help stop me from looking. 
Once he admitted to this, I realized I had “seen” him at the video store once when I was watching him on “find my iPhone”. I didn’t know that’s what it was. I had called him because he was supposed to be on his way to the grocery store & he was flustered. now I know why. He had met a man there. It was after  I had caught him with the CL ad. 
So, none of this helped me get ‘un-addicted’ to snooping! Since it’s been a year since he’s been with a man,  ( & I’ve been checking with find my iphone) I’ve gotten better at it & don’t look much any more. Just check in on the find my.. here & there since he used to do his thing during the day when he was out doing jobs in town. 

I remember getting on dating sites, etc & using his regular sign-in to see if he had an account there. On one I did find one. It was a dating site. He says he didn’t remember. (I actually believe him. He’s got a bad memory due to drugs in his past...I mean reallllly bad. It caused him to fail a polygraph on something I even realized he had gotten the dates wrong with.)

edited: He's been honest and also not fooling around for over a year now, so I've backed off looking at his stuff. The last few times I did look on his phone & used a reverse number program, it was more frustrating than anything else. The calls were mostly from customers anyway, and I don't know who they are, so it was pointless. There wasn't anything suspicious at all. It was a waste of time & I'm glad I'm not tied to it any more 😊.

So, yeah, I know where you’re at 😉. And, it will get better. 

Last edited by SusanneH (November 18, 2020 2:50 pm)

DeeDee,

I think it's a natural response. You've lost your trust, and are trying to regain (some of) it. 
Trying to prove you're wrong to trust is no different.

When my wife told me she'd fell in love with a woman, it destroyed all the fundamental trust I had that was supposed to be there.
I didn't realize this at once, she wanted to continue our marriage, still chose for me, so at first it felt like the foundation is going on like it was.
But it didn't turned out to be that simple. Her feelings for that woman were still there, noticable on her laptop, certain songs she played.
It kept refering back. Even after I noticed and objected, she secretly kept this going.
Actually this behaviour of her was the most damaging factor of the deteriation/destruction of trust. 

I started policing her laptop, checking her browse history, noticing certaing pop songs she played. It made me sick to discover things, because this obviously didn't align with a choice for me, but keeping her feelings alive and attached to that woman.
(years later my wife told me there were more activities to keep that connection alive, that I didn't know about. Like driving by the her house, hoping to get a glimpse of her and things like that).

For me the trust was gone, so I started checking her behaviour on internet. It felt terrible to do, but also felt unavoidable. Like being caught between hope and fear.
Hope you don't find evidence and fear you might find evidence. It's a frantic situation.

Well, years later I can reflect on it. Our trust was rebuild by honesty and openess (talking) while she was getting a grip and understanding on her sexuality, not because of me checking or policing.
But this took a lot of talks and time. In the mean time you have to keep your head above the water, and the checking/policing is at least a way to do it. It sucks, feels like "I shouldn't have to do this", but as a temporary measure it works to some extend.
And also like you'll never know for sure, like I found out years later what she did that I wasn't aware of)
but you can't miraculously create trust by decrete. Getting some assurance, somehow, is the best you can do.
It may help if your spouse understands this, gives access to mails etc. but that's still double and never the ultimate answer.

Rebuilding trust by talking and openess, really dealing with sexual orientation and feelings, is IMO the only answer. 
Notice the all important role and path, the non-straight spouse has to follow in this. It's not just your ordeal, but something you go into together.

Last edited by Dutchman (October 31, 2020 11:51 am)

Rob, You are SO right. I didn’t stop after I found ‘everything’. I kept thinking he was still up to stuff. It was taking so much of my time: checking the phone- then, checking the phone numbers on Truthfinder/Spokeo, only to find I didn’t know who they were (mostly customers, so I wouldn’t know most of them anyway). 
I followed him on “find my iPhone”, only to get frustrated when he’d go someplace I didn’t know about, only to find it was something for work.
I kept checking his computer/iPad. Whew! Exhausting. And, when I’d find web sites that looked suspicious, I’d look them up on my computer to see what they were------never found anything 'bad'.

SO, he was no longer doing anything wrong, and I was totally wasting A LOT of my time doing this. I finally realized how literally crazy it had made me & it has taken me awhile, but I hardly look at anything any more. Just the find my IPhone every once in awhile to see if he's on his way home.

SO, there are better things to do than torture yourself! Take it from someone who knows firsthand 🙃.

Last edited by SusanneH (November 2, 2020 3:40 pm)