My ex-fiancee was hooking up w/men - from what info I have, he had 'regulars' and there were random as well. He 'blames' it on growing up and living in an area where b/c of his interests (arts, music, fashion), people verbally put him in the gay box, and therefore, it got into his head and he had to explore.  To me, he's blaming others - our relationship had become very bad, I was lonely, he hadn't touched me for a year.  Erections were always a challenge, but I chalked it up to him being in his 50's.  But this was a very different relationship sexually than any other.  There was no reaction from him if I was naked or topless. Nada.  So in his words, he had to 'check it off the list' to make sure he wanted to continue a life with me.  He said the experience w/men (he only admitted to one so far) was mechanical and he didn't like that it had no emotion.  Isn't that the point, it's just about sex?  I'm really confused so any help or wisdom is very appreciated. I'm at a point where I can rationalize that it was a phase and happened over a few years and then he stopped. It lines up w/my evidence. But I could argue that he moved from texting to apps/snapchat.  He is in counseling, but still swears he wanted a life w/me. He left town every week for work, so Mon-Weds he could have been doing whatever he wanted in another city.  My mind can go wild.........

Hi Blindone. I'm sorry as I almost missed your post. In reply: 

1. My ex-fiancee was hooking up w/men - from what info I have, he had 'regulars' and there were random as well.

Got it. Question: how did you find out about these hook ups? 

2. He 'blames' it on growing up and living in an area where b/c of his interests (arts, music, fashion), people verbally put him in the gay box, and therefore, it got into his head and he had to explore.  To me, he's blaming others...

When it comes to sexuality, there are two main camps: nature (born this way) and nurture (______ made me gay). Like me, most out gay men I know believe they were born gay. Most closeted or deeply religious gay men I've met, or those who still feel shame about their homosexuality, say things like: 

- My dominant mother made me gay. 
- My absent father made me gay. 
- (My favourite) Gay porn made me gay. 
- I was attacked by a man in college and that made me gay. 
 
It's all bullsh*t. Whenever straight people tell me my sexuality is a choice, I always ask them when they chose to be straight. Their puzzled looks often prove my point. So I agree he's just blaming others because he's ashamed. 

3. Our relationship had become very bad, I was lonely, he hadn't touched me for a year.  Erections were always a challenge, but I chalked it up to him being in his 50's.  But this was a very different relationship sexually than any other.  There was no reaction from him if I was naked or topless. Nada. 

I'm sorry you and other straight spouses have to endure this kind of sexual rejection. Sadly, it has nothing to do with you. It's simply that gay men are not attracted to women's bodies and do not want to have sex with women. 

4. So in his words, he had to 'check it off the list' to make sure he wanted to continue a life with me. 

Bullsh*t. 

5. He said the experience w/men (he only admitted to one so far)...

More bullsh*t. He's only admitting one relationship to you. 

6....was mechanical and he didn't like that it had no emotion.  Isn't that the point, it's just about sex?  I'm really confused so any help or wisdom is very appreciated. I'm at a point where I can rationalize that it was a phase and happened over a few years and then he stopped. It lines up w/my evidence.

DON'T MARRY THIS TOXIC MAN AND CUT OFF ALL CONTACT. Read my post above about men who are emotionally straight but sexually gay. While I'm not a mental health expert, I believe that some gay men want relationships with women, often to conform to religious views about "one man one woman" being the only true form of marriage. I call these men emotionally straight because they do love women, not unlike how they would love a mother, sister, or aunt. But they remain sexually gay, meaning they have a hard-wired attraction to men. I believe this is why closeted men often claim "it's just sex" or "I could never see myself in a relationship with a man."  This isn't a phase my friend, he's gay. He probably just did a better job of hiding it. 

7. But I could argue that he moved from texting to apps/snapchat. 

Yes! You can't just choose to be a lesbian from one day to the next. That's not how it works. It's the same for gay men. We can't just choose to be straight. We just work harder to hide it. 

8. He is in counseling, but still swears he wanted a life w/me. He left town every week for work, so Mon-Weds he could have been doing whatever he wanted in another city.  My mind can go wild...

You certainly dodged a bullet on this one my friend. Am I right to assume you two are still in touch? If yes, I'd strongly recommend cutting off all contact, at least until he (inevitably) comes out. My motto "never get in a pool with a drowning man..." and this disturbed man certain seems to drowning emotionally. What you've referred to is sometimes called "splitting" which is akin to a gay man being out in the city and then playing straight when back home in the country. 

So what's my point? I'd suggest taking all of the energy you're putting into understanding and/or healing this man and focus 100% on yourself. So I'd suggest detaching with love, ending all contact with him, and working with a mental health professional to get over this toxic man. Be well!   

 

Last edited by Sean (October 27, 2020 3:27 am)

Thank you Sean , I dont know ,, his hostility remains high , I had a Doctors appointment today and he never asked how it went , no meal when I came home after 12 hour shift ...not a happy man ! 
He is a really hands on Dad and adores our children who are very young so maybe its a plot to alienate me , who knows
My parents are very wealthy , maybe he thinks I can move to one of their properties ( think on ..Im onto him )

Thanks again Sean, your insight is invaluable.,  Well hes not GID in that he told all of our friends/family and his work colleagues in March  that he is indeed HOMOSEXUAL and had decided to reveal this in order to ease his mental health issue of depression.He also publicly thanked me for my support and commitment to our marriage going forward ( which I agreed to at the time)
The managing my expectations thing resonated with me- yes I'm calling out the bs - that explains it 
What I am confused about after all this saga is why he now thinks he's not gay
He's not narcissistic ( I was previously married to one so know the signs) but yes he definitely has issues with empathy and bipolar I feel 

Thank you Fig and Lily for your shouts out. But please keep in mind that I'm no angel. I did horrible things while closeted and was both neglectful and emotionally abusive with my former wife and three kids during the dying days of my marriage. Turning now to Virion's latest post, what follows are my replies: 

1. Well hes not GID [gay in denial] in that he told all of our friends/family and his work colleagues in March that he is indeed HOMOSEXUAL and had decided to reveal this in order to ease his mental health issue of depression. He also publicly thanked me for my support and commitment to our marriage going forward ( which I agreed to at the time). 

Got it. Thanks for the clarification. 

2. The managing my expectations thing resonated with me- yes I'm calling out the bs - that explains it. 

It's easy to get along with a spouse who does anything and everything you ask. The test of any relationship is whether that relationship can survive adversity. Given my own personal experience and everything I've learned about narcissism (see answer below), the claws come out when straight spouses start asking questions about gay porn, hook up apps, and cheating. For narcissists this can often be punishing their partners through things like the silent treatment and other childish forms of emotional withdrawal.   

3. What I am confused about after all this saga is why he now thinks he's not gay. 

I reckon he's just trying to go back in the closet because he's scared...of separation, divorce, and living as an out gay man. Unfortunately for him, he already came out to everyone so this poses a huge problem. Perhaps he believes he can just stop being gay because of his religious upbringing where being gay is wrongly treated as some crazy on/off switch.  

4. He's not narcissistic ( I was previously married to one so know the signs) but yes he definitely has issues with empathy and bipolar I feel.  

Understood. If he's acting like a teenager - angry, moody, petulant - you may want to read up on gay adolescence. Regardless of a gay man's age, once he's come out he often reverts to teen-like behaviour. 

Please keep sharing my friend because for every straight spouse posting here, there are often dozens following your journey. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (October 28, 2020 11:29 am)