There's a LOT of smoke there and where there's smoke there's usually fire.

If he is already involved with men and you are already hearing and seeing evidence of this then I think you know what you need to do.

The thing is that most of us were genuinely loved by our gay spouses at some point and we loved them back. I have no doubt that you love him and that he loves you. But he can only love you as much as a gay man can love a straight woman which... in the end... won't be enough for you and it won't be enough for him either. You will both eventually want and need more. More than either of you can give.

As hard as it is let this guy go. Let him go learn to be honest with himself. Find a straight man who will love you completely. You deserve that.

Hi Lapiz4,

I'm sorry you are here but I must say welcome to the right place.

Please never brush off or ignore anything of this situation. Many of us here were naive when we denied what our spouses/partners show us in different ways and we regret it now.

I'm glad that you didn't ignore that letter. It speaks volumes of what he is. I'm so happy you are not married to him and please don't do it. Many of us here spent tons of years of our lives living lies and trying to make our marriages work but at the end it was a mistake. Do not waste your time with someone who is not honest with you and with him/herself. I'm not saying that he doesn't love you, but definitely he is not honest according to what you have said. Honesty is a core characteristic of any marriage and it is already broken. How can you continue without it?

There is something I learnt form this forum that never occurs to me: these people are narcissist and egocentric even though you can't believe now. I spend 17 years of marriage to a man who denied he was bisexual/homosexual and at the end he abused my little son of 6 years. This people just think about them. Everything is about them and if you are going to cover that they are happy but if you don't everything change. You will see it in couple of months. They lie (could or not intentionally) but they lie. Mine lied many times and I trusted him. At the end all his sexual problems came out. Nothing can't be hidden between earth and heaven.

You are NOT overreacting. My advise:

If you want to talk to him do it but keep in mind he is a manipulative person. Do not allow him to confuse you or convince you that he is not gay!!! Careful. I trusted my ex-husband and it was a lie. I had the proof , a romantic e-mail, 14 years ago and I showed it to him and he convinced me that he wasn't homosexual. He confirmed that he is bisexual 8 months ago, when I already had HIS kids, he already abused his own son and he faced criminal charges. Do you have to live all these or different  horrible things to get to know that he is gay?
Also, keep in mind that he will give any excuses possible to justify this situation I.e. He was abused when he was a kid or he is just experimenting or he is just curious. BE CAREFUL.

I'm glad you already put distance. It is the best. Time will help you to overcome the pain you are now on. Trust me! You are lucky knowing NOW that something is not correct with him.

Good luck.

Mary

Hello,
I feel the key here is not to be overly judgmental, accusing or blaming. The truth, now that it is out, is that he did deceive you once and may do it again. It may mean you cannot find it in yourself to live like that, but do not consider him to be acting like an animal or a pervert, he is what he is a gay man who comes out in a risky way. It maybe letting him know you won't continue is better than crying to him and telling  him how much he has hurt you. I feel you have the chance to learn from this experience, and what you know about him, that for some reason if his relationship isn't gay it may mean he is not capable of being honest, but don't be offended I feel it is his conflict with the opposite sex that is damaging your relationship, not yours. 

Run.  Run like your hair is on fire. He didn't read the letter? Seriously? Yeah, right. Who has a letter addressed to them that they don't read, but keep???  He's insulting your intelligence.

As anyone here can tell you, this won't get better. Only worse. Consider yourself lucky to have found out before you married, bought property together and started a family. It's not easy, I know. But run. Don't look back. Heal and start over

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. He's gay.

Lapiz4 - you said: I can't come up with a reasonable answer to that question so I just leave it alone.
I can't agree more.  The best thing you can do in this situation is to leave it alone and move on.  I was married to my gay in denial ex for 10 years.  If I had found a letter like this it would have helped me to move on.  Instead, I did what you're talking about doing.  I went back and talked to him face to face.  Then a year would pass and I'd find that he had been looking at more gay porn.  Then we'd talk again and he would convince me it was a) another accident b) all guys do it they are just afraid to admit it c)the dildo was for me (when we didn't even have toys like that).....on and on and on. 

If you open the door for excuses, one will surely be made.  It's not like we're talking about vague things here.  If your question to this forum was: my boyfriend has a gay friend and I'm worried, then I'd tell you to trust your gut but that many people also have gay friends.  BUT what you've told us is that there are several signs of being gay including receiving a letter with graphic sexual detail from someone asking him to be true to himself.  That's not normal, you are not overreacting.

Hang in there - you're doing the right thing by having no contact.