Ellexoh_nz wrote:

No good can ever come from 'DECIDING' to go through somebody else' phone. ( been there, done that, still trying to get the memory of it out of the t'shirt lol )

It's a one-way ticket to nowhere, you start on the back foot, and the fact you looked at his phone (in secret?) will of course make you think you shouldn't tell anyone. This only makes it harder to confide this info. 
To really understand what's happening to you, your life, your r'ship....you need to be able to talk to a friend, family member or counselor. 

Don't let his secret become yours. It's not fair on you  
Welcome to our Forum

Elle

I don't personally hide anything on my phone I would not mind if someone went through mine especially my partner I would gladly give it to him. I didn't go through his phone because of trust issues I think I was just bored and curious so I was like let me see what he has. And I found that he had been sexting a Male the night before which he was acting super weird and was being an asshole to me also his dick wouldn't get hard so we didn't even have sex the previous night it was weird...and I do want to attend counseling. Unfortunately his secret is now my secret too. It's too embarrassing for me to say anything and it's not up to me to let others know what he likes or doesn't like cause he doesn't even know what he wants apparently. Even if we were to separate I would never tell anyone the reason of our separation.

I think most of us are referring to individual counseling, not couples. Couples counseling is more like a second stage you use to rebuild commitment, honesty and trust. I don't think your spouse is ready for that until he deals with whatever personal demons he carries. Individual counseling for him, some for you. Later, if both parties truly commit to making a relationship work, couples counseling would be appropriate.

His secret is not yours. It is now part of your life story and you have a right to disclose it to obtain the support you need. No one is suggesting that you tell the world all the details. Sometimes just saying 'he wasn't faithful and couldn't assure me it wouldn't happen again' is enough. It depends on how well the listener knows you to begin with. By deciding you have to keep his secret, you are locking yourself into a closet and that is not healthy. I'm sure many of us, post disclosure, feel some sort of embarrassment. "How could I not see that?" sort of thing. We're human. If you're a good person, you want to think everyone has good intentions, especially someone you're in a relationship with. You want to be forgiving and offer a second chance because you'd like the same treatment in return. There's nothing to be ashamed of there.

Co-parenting - no one wants this but sometimes you have to think about what's better in the long run. Right now it sounds like you are already on your own in this area. Will your child really be better off growing up in an environment where Dad is easily upset and impatient and Mom is constantly sad and on edge depending on what Dad does next?

We all deserve a share of peace and serenity. I hope you can achieve yours.

Ineedadvice wrote:

I don't personally hide anything on my phone I would not mind if someone went through mine especially my partner I would gladly give it to him. Of course you wouldn't mind your partner going through your phone, you don't have anything to hide/or want him to see. 
I didn't go through his phone because of trust issues I think I was just bored and curious so I was like let me see what he has. And I found that he had been sexting a Male the night before which he was acting super weird and was being an asshole to me also his dick wouldn't get hard so we didn't even have sex the previous night it was weird...Now you have seen what he's doing on his phone...you can't UNsee it, and your man can't make you unsee it but he can (probably will)  try to twist your perception and make you believe it's not as bad as it looks. 
.....and I do want to attend counseling.Get YOURSELF a counselor first, you need to tackle this and smooth it all out in your head....without your man's input.
Unfortunately his secret is now my secret too. It's too embarrassing for me to say anything and it's not up to me to let others know what he likes or doesn't like cause he doesn't even know what he wants apparently. Even if we were to separate I would never tell anyone the reason of our separation. The fact you find it embarrassing is testament to your loyalty. But you've obviously been unaware your man doesn't share the same value. He won't want you to tell anybody, he will probably let you live with his secret as it chips away at your self-esteem and your strength to live with this new 'thing' that has happened. He kept it from you because he knew it would change how you feel about him so he needs to feed your loyalty (you know about gas-lighting?) and keep you unbalanced in the r'ship, ever faithful while he continues to live how he wants   

 

Straightspouses are I reckon one of the stronger personalities. We have to dig deep to find the parts of ourselves that the love for our partners has buried under our sometimes misplaced loyal. 

Elle
 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Ineedadvice wrote:

I don't personally hide anything on my phone I would not mind if someone went through mine especially my partner I would gladly give it to him. Of course you wouldn't mind your partner going through your phone, you don't have anything to hide/or want him to see. [b]Exactly.
I didn't go through his phone because of trust issues I think I was just bored and curious so I was like let me see what he has. And I found that he had been sexting a Male the night before which he was acting super weird and was being an asshole to me also his dick wouldn't get hard so we didn't even have sex the previous night it was weird...[color=#B22222][i]Now you have seen what he's doing on his phone...you can't UNsee it, and your man can't make you unsee it but he can (probably will)  try to twist your perception and make you believe it's not as bad as it looks. After seeing a video of your significant other giving another man a BJ in an apartment that YOU got. because he wasn't man enough to get it there's no way he can convince me he's not BI or Gay. I want to believe that when be said he was raped that affected him but it's hard. I don't know I just don't know....that video plays in my head everyday.
.....and I do want to attend counseling.Get YOURSELF a counselor first, you need to tackle this and smooth it all out in your head....without your man's input.Agreed
Unfortunately his secret is now my secret too. It's too embarrassing for me to say anything and it's not up to me to let others know what he likes or doesn't like cause he doesn't even know what he wants apparently. Even if we were to separate I would never tell anyone the reason of our separation. The fact you find it embarrassing is testament to your loyalty. But you've obviously been unaware your man doesn't share the same value. He won't want you to tell anybody, he will probably let you live with his secret as it chips away at your self-esteem and your strength to live with this new 'thing' that has happened. He kept it from you because he knew it would change how you feel about him so he needs to feed your loyalty (you know about gas-lighting?) and keep you unbalanced in the r'ship, ever faithful while he continues to live how he wants   

I strongly dislike cheaters. Cheating says a lot about a person. For one they're liars. There's no loyalty, respect, and hard to believe love. I would never cheat. It's better to just break up of you don't want to be with someone. I try to remember that it's about him and not me. And unfortunately I have let my self go a lot. I am 50 lbs heavier. But I am working on getting back to my old self. It's just so much happened all at once. I moved out of my parents. I had a baby. I got on birth control. Coronavirus. It was just too overwhelming. And yes I agree. My perception of him changed. I feel like I don't even know who I am with anymore.
Straightspouses are I reckon one of the stronger personalities. We have to dig deep to find the parts of ourselves that the love for our partners has buried under our sometimes misplaced loyal. 

Elle
 

It's normal to feel alone but there are so many others who have gone through this.
2,225 registered users, an unknown number of people who read but do not register to post.
1,950 topics, 23,296 posts (23,297 with this one) and these totals have been accumulated only since June of 2016.
Previous to that date we were located on another forum site with who knows how many more posts there.
I came across SSN in 2011 but it's older than that. Before I needed it, I had never heard of it.

Some of us are still with their original partners (the Mixed Orientation Marriage - MOM for short). I think the majority of us are in some state of separation, divorce, or not sure where they will land yet. Some of us have moved on to new partners but still post here. Use this site in any way that helps you. There is a lot of wisdom here but also a lot of compassion.

Last edited by Daryl (October 27, 2020 11:32 pm)