Yesterday was an interesting day for me.  

I took a necessary step in the divorce process by preparing and filing my divorce response.  I also filed a counter-claim for divorce so that if she dismisses the case for some reason, I still have a say in the matter.  I also filed our mediation settlement agreement with the judge.  In addition, I filed a motion and order for waiver of the statutory waiting period.  This is a request to shorten the divorce from a minimum of 180 days to something less.  I requested a hearing for 11/23, which would make the divorce slightly more than 60 days.  This is probably too optimistic, but worth a try.  

So, this required a trip to the courthouse to file papers and a visit to the judge's courtroom.  

I've found that being in control of the divorce process is very helpful to me.  I feel like i'm in control of my life and pushing forward and this is helpful and healing for me.  The sooner I can get through the divorce, the sooner I can heal and rebuild my life as a single person.  Then someday I can be healthy and prepared to find a new relationship. 

So, filing the paperwork felt very empowering.  Especially doing it all "In Pro Se" or on my own behalf with no attorney.  

But, the visit to the courtroom was also heartbreaking. 
I've been having visions and dreams about that day in the future when the judge actually rules our divorce final.  I've been running over how that would feel.  What would I say to her on the way out of the courtroom..   How would this feel..   So being able to add an image of exactly what the courtroom looks like really made that vision much more real, and much more painful.  It's the end of the marriage that I thought I had.  The end of the life that I thought I was living.  That is still very sad for me.  I do want to be done with this new reality.  I don't want to be married to the new her.  But I still grieve for the old her.  

I loved the woman I married.  I miss her.  I wish I could have her back. 

But I don't love the person I am divorcing.  She hurts me and I need to move on.  

Last edited by lostdad (September 30, 2016 8:09 am)

Lostdad I hadn't seen this thread before - I just wanted to say quickly that I think you're doing brilliantly. As other said your early posts took me right back to my first postings on the old forum - I remember the feelings well. I am really, really pleased to see your more recent posts which have a practical, forward looking outlook. 

I don't mean to be patronising, but I am really proud of you! Day by day things will get better. I can already see you taking hold of your life with both hands - you will continue to get through this, you are going to be stronger than you can possibly realise. You have made me feel really good today, as you have reminded me firstly of the pain of the start, but then more importantly the grim determination to get on. It reminded me that we all have that determination, to knuckle down and do things we couldn't believe we could do. I was having a bit of a crappy day, small day-to-day things getting to me, but now I can remember that feeling, and I can push through this trivial stuff I'm facing today. 

I'm now going to go out and make the most of today - I hope you all do too :D

(a newly determined) Bob 

This roller-coaster continues. 

It's amazing how emotions can change and shift so quickly from day to day. 

I'm really angry today.  As I move further from the initial shock of the situation I have been able to process more of my feelings and understand them better. 

I don't feel so angry at her for being a lesbian.  My first anger was that I was lied to for so long.  But I realized that she had to lie to me to keep trying to make things work.  She didn't want to hurt me, so she had to lie to me.  I think she hoped she could overcome the lesbian feelings and come to peace with her life.  But that didn't work out, so she had to eventually make this decision.   Sure, that hurts.. but I'm not really angry with her about this. 

What I'm really angry about is that she fell in love with someone else while being married to me.  It's the betrayal of our love that really hurts.  This hurts much more than the idea of her needing to change our relationship so that she can part ways.  The idea that she made a vow to me and then she fell completely in love with someone else and then had sex with that other person is a red hot burning stake in my heart. It hurts so much!  I'm so angry at her and even moreso at the other woman.  What a horrible human being.. both of them.  I think adultery is basically second only to murder if a person were to rank sins and bad deeds.  It's a really awful thing to do to another person.  It's like trying to murder the person's soul rather than their body.  She finally made the decision to come out because she fell in love with someone else.  What an awful human being.  How completely disrespectful to a husband who has been faithful and loving through an obviously imperfect marriage.. and this is the payback I get.  I'm ashamed of myself for marrying her in the first place.  How stupid of me.  I should have seen that she was a horrible person at the core.  

Ugh.. I realize I'm venting right now..  I guess that's good for me to do. 

I would have had so much more respect for her moving forward if she had been an adult and allowed our love for each other to slowly separate before she fell in love with someone else.  I am supposed to be able to forgive another person, turn the other cheek, not remain in hatred.  But I am having such a hard time with these concepts.  I'm not after retribution or revenge, but how can I come to a point where I can forgive and let go of the hurt and the pain she has caused me?

I have to figure out how to be at peace with her for my kids sake.  My hatred for her will eventually poison relationships and I don't want to harm my kids.  They need the security of a good relationship with two good and loving parents.  If i hate her, my kids will see it and it will damage them.  I don't know how to hide it.   The only way I could see coming to peaceful terms with her right now is if she got rid of this other woman from her life.  But she won't do it.  The other woman filed for divorce from her husband this week.  So their plan to divorce their husbands and marry each other seems to be moving forward.  I'm disgusted by such a horrible person and such horrible actions.  

I'm so angry..  Maybe this is a good thing.  I suppose I need to deal with it at some point so that I can keep healing.   But I also made a vow to her and to myself and my God not to show her my anger.  I don't want to yell  at her or say terrible things.  I want to control myself and be able to look back at this saga and know that I handled myself like a mature and compassionate person and that I didn't do anything that I regret later in life. This is going to be really hard. 

I think the 6 month waiting period is torture.  I know it's the state's goal to try to get a few couples to reconcile and stay together for the sake of the kids.  But it's torture for the adults.  This has been going on for almost 3 months now and I'm still 5 and a half months from the waiting period expiration.  I'm hoping to get a month or two shaved off this, but it's still going to be a very long time.  I'm going to have to endure the holidays in this purgatory as well. 

I've been so helpful to her lately too.. and I never get any appreciation.  I've been offering her extremely valuable advice on financial topics because I want her to be in a good position to support the kids and be stable and sound.  Not a single token of apprecaition..   I even renewed her cell phone plan with an employee discount yesterday because I could.. because it was a way to help her that wouldn't cost me anything.  Not a single bit of appreciation from her.. 

Ok.. done venting and rambling..    back to work

Last edited by lostdad (October 6, 2016 12:24 pm)

Lostdsd, daryl,

A six month or one year waiting period...good god..omg.
My ex filed and the divorce itself took over a year. ..I stayed in the home and if you read my posts here it was hell on earth.
A divorce itself can take a long time...the waiting period is pointless...and seperating it's very risky for one to just move out with no legal parental agreement in place...one may never see their kids again.

Lostdad...we should have anger...these spouses in addition to breaking a commandment broke a taboo. I try not to beat myself up  for not seeing how selfish and shallow she was. What subplanted my anger was fear and hurt..  I will never understand how she could be so cruel..deep down she knows what she did was wrong yet she can't stop hurting me.. she's rewriting reality even now to justify what she did..
I try to forget her now as much as I can..I thank God now for getting me away from such an evil person.

lostdad and rob,

i'm a newby with a situation very close to yours. i feel like i could have written many of your posts. i have been lurking and reading posts trying to get up the courage to share. i began to write up my story to introduce myself, but the act of trying to put it all down for the first time ever sent me into a whole new spiral and i had to take a break. i feel like no one has ever been hurt like this and that my story is so extreme, and then i read everyone else's stories and feel like mine is petty and self-indulgent.

i will do my best to share, but in the meantime i wanted to thank you both for the help you've already provided me.