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October 18, 2020 6:33 pm  #11

Re: Seriously Confused Any straight males can shed light?

Playing devils advocate: if your husband’s gay its so unlikely him coming out I worry for you waiting. And if he's happy there I'd leave him there. If it saves your sanity/self esteem/body confidence/you want an excuse to go find Mr Right, then be kind on yourself and conclude that. And think you're married to a man who is suffering and confused. Not a belingerant man witholding the final peace of the puzzle to torture you. And the fact that he's gay doesn't change that he loves you and chose you to be his wife and mother of his children. 

Playing devils advocate: The closet is his safe place. His head is full of rational/irrational fears. It would shatter the parents, the kids would get bullied and you'd have a breakdown (He’s protecting people). You’d go skits, tell the world, want a divorce, sole custody and never speak to him again. Friends would hate and reject him for the choices he made. He’d have to live alone as an outcast. Tolerate jokes down the pub or on the WhatsApp group. The closet is to an internalised homophobia sufferer what drugs is to an addict. Both genuinely think they can't survive without them. Both get threatening, defensive, narcissistic and gaslight when you try and take away their comfort blanket. Are in total denial.  And learn to hate those who touch on the subject or try and help them until they're ready to face the reality. 

Playing devils advocate: Looking at it from a research perspective. They come out to wives whom they completely trust are going to sign an agreement (protecting parents and kids). Outed by a scorned lover. Or, most popular, because they found ‘the one’ who’s worth the scorn, hurting their precious loved ones and coming out. A gay man can get another to face a reality he never thought he could. In a way a wife can't. Bonnie Kaye's website says that over 63% of gay husbands will Never tell their wives the truth. My Bachelor Great Uncle is in an old people’s home and still in the closet. The 24/7 gay is super rare. Most aren't out at work. My school friend only came out to the world when she found her partner whom she wanted to settle with.

Playing devils advocate: They're denial can be completely non-sensical. Internalised homophobia sufferers have been found to compartmentalise their same sex attraction (SSA). It’s to do with rejecting/deep hatred of the stereotype. Roy Cohen in Angels in America: I’m not gay, I just like to have sex with men. I’m not in in the closet..I’m on the down low. I’m not gay I’m an MSM..Man who likes to have Sex with Men. The fallacy that gay men (inferring all) can’t have sex with women can be dangerous. Some can't. Some go from can to can't after their first gay experience. It can cause men to become confused.  Particularly those that want to be. And accute internalised homophobia sufferers to engage in straight sex to prove/reassure themselves they're not gay. 

Last edited by ExBeard (October 20, 2020 11:56 am)


October 25, 2020 12:02 pm  #12

Re: Seriously Confused Any straight males can shed light?

Read a few of my posts. I feel like we have a similar situation. I'd love to talk with you.


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