Sonata—I can really feel your pain. I, too, would be devastated if my husband asked for an open marriage. 

For an open marriage to be successful, I firmly believe both parts of the couple need to be fully on board with it. As you mull this over, I think it's important to take the bisexuality out of the equation...because it's irrelevant (in my opinion): Would you be OK with your husband seeing another woman "a couple of times a year?" 
 

Oh gosh, Sonata, I could have written your post almost word for word minus the part about the affair. if you ever want to talk privately feel free to message me. Actually, if you read my posts some are hauntingly similar. 

Tangled 

Yes Susanne,

Sounds like you are in a similar situation.  My husband feels that he has "chosen" me and broken off contact with the other man, so why am I bringing it up?  It's just that I get triggered by things and it hasn't been that long ago that I found out about the affair.  When I get triggered and we try to talk about it my husband is honest and says he don't know if he can swear that he will be happy being only with me for the rest of his life.  In other words, he is not ready to take vows again.  
I feel that our vows were broken when he had an affair and I think we should start over.  He has this crazy thinking that it was somehow different because it was with a man and he was finding out about himself.  It's a crazy rationalization to me.  He says he chooses me but is sad about losing a friend in this other guy.
It's messed up and narcissistic because he won't reassure me or help me with my feelings.....tired of all this.  It's been a long six months.

Sonata wrote:

Yes Susanne,

Sounds like you are in a similar situation.  My husband feels that he has "chosen" me and broken off contact with the other man, so why am I bringing it up?  It's just that I get triggered by things and it hasn't been that long ago that I found out about the affair.  When I get triggered and we try to talk about it my husband is honest and says he don't know if he can swear that he will be happy being only with me for the rest of his life.  In other words, he is not ready to take vows again.  
I feel that our vows were broken when he had an affair and I think we should start over.  He has this crazy thinking that it was somehow different because it was with a man and he was finding out about himself.  It's a crazy rationalization to me.  He says he chooses me but is sad about losing a friend in this other guy.
It's messed up and narcissistic because he won't reassure me or help me with my feelings.....tired of all this.  It's been a long six months.

I know how you feel. When I first found out, I found the forum, "surviving infidelity.org", and members mentioned that the cheating spouse broke the vows, so the marriage wasn't valid any more. Well, I took that to heart, and it hurt like crazy. It doesn't really mean we aren't married like I felt then, but HIS vows are broken, stepped all over, crushed, etc.
I mentioned that at some point we may want to renew our vows, but it's 'not for him', I think. He has told me a lot of things I didn't know before and one of them is that he didn't really want to get married in the first place......ouch.
I actually proposed to him.... Very out of character for me, as I'm rather conservative and old fashioned in that area. I was also very inexperienced as I got married right out of high school & was married 32 years when my husband passed away (it was expected...his heart). On the other hand, my current husband had never been married. He had lived a life of partying, drugs and sex. He got clean & sober in 2000, but didn't stop seeing men. Before we were married, he said he didn't think there was anything wrong with it. And, after, ....well, he justified it to suit him so he could do it without feeling guilty . SO, if we do renew our vows, he'll have to ask me, and I doubt that will ever happen. He's not a romantic person at all.

And, I know how you feel about 'it's been a long six months"....I'm at "it's been a long 16 months" and counting. I also had a 2nd disclosure Nov 24, 2019 when he told me about all the other men and that it had been the whole time. It's totally ruined my memories of our wedding, vacations & everything. All photos I look at, I immediately think "he was having sex with men, so this 'happy' photo isn't real", and it makes me sad.

hope you're having a better day.

((((((HUGS)))))

Last edited by SusanneH (October 23, 2020 9:50 am)

Sonata,

I totally agree with your description of how your relation should be founded. It has to be a 100% choice and nothing less.
You cannot be expected to live in a state of limbo, that would be backbreaking for you in the long term. 
Your husband has to realize this, but also get his own thoughts and decisions clear.
I think that is the crux in your current situation. You know very well this is not how it can and should be sustained, despite the things that are going well.
But your husband has to make a definite turn. In other words, he has to make very real life choices.
This is not the "hope for the best" kind of thing, but really confronting himself with real life.
I think (some) men are inclined to avoid these kinds of real confrontation with life and themselves. Like it will somehow go by them, as if they can avoid it.
Women are (generally) more realistic about it.

But like I wrote you some time ago, HE has to make choices. There is no way around that. You can't solve it on your own. It has to flow from both and you can only help, do/say right things and point in the right direction.
But your husband has to make his own and very real choices! 

The things he is up against aren't easy, he has to sort out quite a lot. So giving him some space and time is certainly justified. But not at unlimited enduring expense of you, waiting in uncertainty.
It's fine to have patience, but meanwhile he has to actively work towards resolution within himself. This is not an extra option, but mandatory! I sure hope your husband takes this in.


Somewhere in our path we got stuck. My wife thinking it was good enough, and I am think it was somewhat good enough. 
We didn't progress, and although life and marriage seemed okay, it actually wasn't what it was supposed to be.
We had to break through this limbo state or else face the fact we were getting nowhere in the end.

As straight spouse I was doing all I could, trying to get informed the best I could and making right sensible decisions.
But the decisive breakthrough had to come from my wife. She had to find her way with her sexuality and how she incorporated that fact in our relation.
She wrote about her way through this on this forum. This might be different to other people's circumstances, but it's about the general line of thought that counts.
That is: Sexual orientation is not the center of the universe, set your focus on what your whole being is about (not in the least towards the one you truly love).
Because that is being really authentic! Make this the stance in life, the true legacy which is worthy to uphold. This rewards itself.
Feelings follow conviction. Those feelings we have, they seem like a lot, but once one really decides, they'll just follow. It's quite the opposite from what is generally stated.

At some point we decided to reassure our vows, so we bought new rings with beautiful engravings in it. But only when we both were sure about our own decision and had full trust in the other.
That is the keyword: trust. After all that happened, finding real trust is the thing. But when it's found again, it's beyond measure from what it was before.
It's not restoring what once was, or trying to undo what went wrong, but entering a new phase of our relation. Not less or equal, but more than it was before.


You cannot rule this, your husband has to truly grasp this new level of understanding of himself and in relation with you. If he's not willing to go there and do that, that's very sad but also his own choice and responsibility.
Trouble is where you draw your line. Don't keep hanging on to something that leads nowhere, but also don't cut off short what could just need time to develop.
There is no definitive answer to this, I'm sure nobody can. The only way is extensive talks with your husband and finding out (for both of you).