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- stevo
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Re: Just out of curiosity
Lol stronger. No secret. I loved my wife unconditionally and I would never cheat as long as we are married. I'm stupid I guess.crazy now that I think of it as I love women ,and only women.
You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Just out of curiosity
stevo wrote:
I have also wondered this. I have not had sex in close to 3 years,...........We are not ready to separate. Wonder if the sex thing at our age is going to be the reason why we do in the end. Is it all going to be worth it?
Stevo 
my partner and I ( at my behest ) haven't had sex in almost a year. Was it you who initiated the 'no sex' thing or your wife?
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Thread Starter- stevo
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Re: Just out of curiosity
Hi Ellexoh_nz. I'll try to make a long story short. We never had a real active sex life, not that I didn't want to, it was her. She was abused as a child and I always gave her space when she wanted it. I knew most nights when I would touch her shoulder, she would tense up and I knew that was a no go. That happened alot in our marriage. I felt rejected, but deep down I knew it wasn't me(what I thought at the time).This went on for the first 12 years of our marriage. She decided to go to therapy about the abuse as a child, sex was great for about a year, we were intimate at least twice a week.. She got pregnant, our lil miracle was born and then the sex dried up again. She said she was having issues with the abuse. I loved her unconditionally and didnt push the issue. Sex maybe 2 times a year.The last time was close to 3 years ago. She got mad at me. I was like WTF? I never asked her what the problem was as I thought I knew the answer( the abuse) and never tried again. I felt rejected and frustrated most of the marriage, but would never have guessed she was gay. Every other aspect of our marriage was excellent. That is why I am having such a hard time with this. She told me in July that she never loved me the way I deserved. This sux, She has told me that we will never have sex again. Hugging and a kiss. Im 51 , wtf do I do now,,,, no way on the open marriage thing. I just need time to figure this mind fuck out.
Last edited by stevo (October 18, 2020 6:14 pm)
You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Just out of curiosity
Stevo,
You're 51!?!?! You could have so much sex! I would kill to be 51 again, and be able to look forward to an active sex life.
When you are able to re-write your narrative of your marriage from "we didn't have sex because my wife was abused" to "we didn't have sex because my wife was a lesbian," and fully integrate that new understanding into your life, your perspective on your marriage--and leaving it--will change.
Those of us who have spent our lives in marriages with people in denial of their sexuality need to learn to re-think the relation between intimacy and sex, because we've been subtly conditioned over the years in ways that accommodate our spouses.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 18, 2020 6:25 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Just out of curiosity
.
Stevo....we had a healthy, robust and passionate sex life. I LOVED this man, everything about him....but the trust I lost has meant the flames have extinguished, and I'm thinking of me & my health, not his needs. My partner may never delve into his bisexual possibilities, and it's everything else in our 36 years together that keeps our life on track BUT I can't forget the hurt and his dismissal of my emotions. I miss hugging and kissing but am apprehensive allowing it back into our day to day life will make him think he can have it all again.
Do you know what I want? I want my partner to bring the subject up...to be the first to be compassionate
KIA KAHA
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Thread Starter- Blue Bear
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Re: Just out of curiosity
Stevo,
Those of us who have spent our lives in marriages with people in denial of their sexuality need to learn to re-think the relation between intimacy and sex, because we've been subtly conditioned over the years in ways that accommodate our spouses.
ABSOLUTELY.
Let me say this. Too many of us Straight Spouses say "meh, I guess I'll just deal without sex." Do not do this. NO. Sex and intimacy are essential parts of a healthy, loving, trusting and devoted relationship. So if you and your spouse are having infrequent sex or no sex at all, perhaps you do not have such a relationship.
Don't say "it's only sex" or "I'm too old". That's a whopper of a lie you are telling yourself to maintain the inertia of a relationship that's probably just not working, especially if you know that your spouse is not straight. And good lord, most straight spouses of any age will tell you that once you jump back into sex and intimacy with a straight partner, it's an IMAX and Dolby Atmos surround sound experience.
Last edited by Blue Bear (October 19, 2020 10:15 am)
- TangledOil
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Re: Just out of curiosity
Our sex life at least in the last 10 years wouldn’t have given me any clues that my husband is bi. When insanely busy with work and our four kids we were having sex at least once per week. Never any less than that. Now we probably have sex 3-4 times per week and our sessions are not brief... an hour at minimum, sometimes 2-3 hours. Before 10 years ago we occasionally watched gay porn together, then I found he was watching some without me and I flipped and we stopped watching it together at that time.
We are both 50.
Last edited by TangledOil (October 19, 2020 9:45 pm)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Just out of curiosity
At age 62, when I was trying to show my now-ex how much I supported him after his disclosure he was "a woman in a man's body" and wanted to have "lesbian sex" with me, we had more sex for about nine months than we'd ever had. It was all on his terms, however, in that he set the parameters. As long as I played along (and yes, this included penetrating him so he could "feel like a woman") and didn't ask for what I most wanted--which was that he'd "act like a man," everything was over the top good. Lots of orgasms for me. If you had asked me during this time, I would have said I was happy and that everything was working out.
But it turns out that I finally realized I was what Chump Lady calls "naked pick me" dancing--that is, wanting him to choose me ("pick me!") over--or not abandon me because of--his alternative sexuality, and deceiving myself as to the intimacy. In fact what I was doing was engaging in a particularly pernicious and damaging trauma bonding that had deep seated and lasting effects on me, and from which I have not yet fully recovered. I was giving of myself and making myself vulnerable; he was acting out a fantasy and trying to secure me for his own purposes, which did not include my well-being but the fulfillment of his sexual fantasies. (Everything in quotes is in fact a quote from my husband.)
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 19, 2020 3:53 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Just out of curiosity
.....But it’s the lies. The deception...... .
I think Janu....the deception, the dishonesty was the catalyst, for me, to get/be where I am today.
The world and it's possibilities have shrunk with Covid, and I'm shallow, but smart enough to not
want to lose my comfortable life when I see what so many have lost
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Thread Starter- Hedy
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Re: Just out of curiosity
At age 62, when I was trying to show my now-ex how much I supported him after his disclosure he was "a woman in a man's body" and wanted to have "lesbian sex" with me, we had more sex for about nine months than we'd ever had. It was all on his terms, however, in that he set the parameters. As long as I played along (and yes, this included penetrating him so he could "feel like a woman") and didn't ask for what I most wanted--which was that he'd "act like a man," everything was over the top good. Lots of orgasms for me. If you had asked me during this time, I would have said I was happy and that everything was working out.
But it turns out that I finally realized I was what Chump Lady calls "naked pick me" dancing--that is, wanting him to choose me ("pick me!") over--or not abandon me because of--his alternative sexuality, and deceiving myself as to the intimacy. In fact what I was doing was engaging in a particularly pernicious and damaging trauma bonding that had deep seated and lasting effects on me, and from which I have not yet fully recovered. I was giving of myself and making myself vulnerable; he was acting out a fantasy and trying to secure me for his own purposes, which did not include my well-being but the fulfillment of his sexual fantasies. (Everything in quotes is in fact a quote from my husband.)
wow, this echos so many of my thoughts. I'm still married, but I definitely damaged myself in the first few years of knowing my spouse had an alternative sexuality and making myself participate in that, regardless of my own needs. Thank you for these thoughts.