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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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October 19, 2020 1:32 pm  #1


28th anniversary and I'm still in limbo

After months of not daring to tell my story, today I finally know that I should do it, perhaps it is the only way that I can achieve peace of mind and get out this that for so many years has tortured me, perhaps writing everything that has poisoned me physically and  mentally, allow me to heal and forgive to start my new life.  I will try to make it as simplified as possible, which I doubt I can achieve.

Today are 28 years of marriage, the realization that I have lived a lie for so long, is what made me decide to make this publication.

Several years have passed (I think more than five, I'm not really sure about that anymore) since the day my husband told me he was bisexual, he did not do it because he decided, he was forced to do it, one morning in  that I caught him outside our house about to kiss a man with whom he was "talking."

Living that moment was horrible, I had thousands of thoughts and emotions in just a few minutes, but the strongest was staying in shock, I couldn't understand what was happening, something inside me prompted me to come out and face it, it  What happened next was even more painful, when I asked him to leave his friend and he came home to talk, he became furious with me, asking me to go inside the house and began to apologize to his "friend" telling him not to leave.  Just writing this makes my whole body feel everything again, finally the other man left and we had a strong discussion that left me even more confused, starting a roller coaster of emotions that has left me exhausted, mentally,  physically and emotionally.

Before that day I had already noticed the famous red flags, conversations in gay chat rooms, gay pornography magazines, he constantly stayed at dawn "working" on the computer, and every time I tried to talk to him, he received the familiar ones.  Answers, "you're crazy", "it's nothing", "it's a game" and a long etcetera that only made me feel more bad and confused.

I came to think that he was really exaggerating, or imagining things that were not true.  Until that day I discovered and marked my marriage forever.

We knew each other since we were teenagers and we were good friends, we live in a small town in northern Mexico, with a very closed society when it comes to homosexuality issues, where accepting your sexual preferences is almost almost suicide.

Being a small city, both he and I are highly recognized for different reasons, which has made it even more difficult for me to find support or help to overcome this.

Before we got married, there were many rumors that he was gay, because he always liked to dress well, in fashion and take great care of his image, at that time the term was widely heard

metrosexual, and I decided to believe that this applied to him, also when he was with me his behavior was that of a heterosexual man, very passionate, and his excitement when he was with me was very noticeable, unlike many stories I have read, we had  fabulous sex, before and after we were married, in fact he was very demanding sexually, he always wanted to, on some occasion he even told me that he was addicted to sex and although at that time I did not give it importance, today I understand that somehow  He was testing my reactions, preparing the way for what would come next.

Fast forward the first years were like any other couple, with their ups and downs at that time my struggle was to know how to handle their alcoholism, especially when the children arrived (we have three children, now adults starting their own path) their alcoholism brought  complicated situations, sometimes he was affectionate, other

sarcastic and verbally aggressive, irresponsible at work and everything that brings an addiction.

With young children, routine and alcohol, I was too busy to realize that the sex was less and less.  At the same time, in a very subtle way, without my noticing it began to handle gaslighthing, my self-esteem began to disappear and emotional dependence took its place, which was getting bigger and bigger, at the end of each discussion I always ended up feeling that  I was the culprit, even if that was not the case, or I ended up apologizing for something that I had not done, little by little I was left without friends, and thanks to the fact that my parents are people with a heart full of love, he did not manage to get me away from  them, although he made several attempts.  Many things have had to happen so that today I am finally trying to get out of this limbo in which I find myself.

Not long after that day I found out, he took the leap and had physical contact with men, even though he had promised me with tears in his eyes and telling me how much he loves me that he wouldn't and it was just a game!  Yeah sure!

In one of the few times that I agree to talk about the subject, he told me that he preferred to have sex with men and not with women because he did not want to hurt me that he loved me and I was the most important thing in his life, that it was only a way to get his  stress that it was just sex, that it did not mean anything, I, who was already in total confusion, not knowing how to recover our marriage, I innocently believed him, I really thought, "it's just a stage" and I was almost grateful for being so considerate of  not pick on women.  Wow!  I can't believe how easy it was for him to manipulate me.  Although I knew in the back of my mind that I should separate, I had the silly idea that I could fix it, you know, I changed my look, bought sexy clothes, sent her very hot messages and a long etcetera, there were times when sex and intimacy  He returned with great passion, but every day he was more interested in encounters with men, Grinder appeared on his cell, suspicious exits began, and he put a double password on his phone and did not release it, his entries to the bathroom became eternal and many  things, which clearly indicated that something was going on.

It was around this time that I started spying on his phone, even today I can't remember how I got to this point.  When I did it at the beginning it was a way to confirm again what I already knew, and that I was not crazy, unfortunately it was also something that brought a lot of pain and emotional wear, because little by little I became addicted to reading their chats, I  I realized how he was able to lie to me so easily, and that made my blood boil, it was very painful to read how often he was having sex, to find out about his fetishes, something that he never dared to talk to me about, one of the things that  But they made me feel devastated, it was that he told one of his contacts a phrase that he used to say to me when we had sex, it was our phrase only about us, that day I cried for hours.  The I know what he was doing, with whom and where he brought a constant war, with strong fights, where he always ended up saying that it was my imagination that was crazy.  His indifference and the excuses for not having sex were endless, "I'm tired, I have an erectile diffusion, my back hurts, etc." The indifference and rejection were my day to day, there was never time to be together, his boredom was notorious  when he was by my side, and I can continue to write a thousand pages of all the times he did something to move me away or not touch me, and each time I questioned him the answer was the same, they are your ideas, everything is fine.

The first time I plucked up the courage to tell him that I knew "EVERYTHING" that he was spying on his cell phone, it was chaotic, he destroyed his cell phone and made me feel guilty for invading his privacy, he clarified that although he gets very aggressive he has never hit me, but he can  be very hurtful with your words.  After this he was attentive, loving again, we had passionate sex again, it was as if everything would go back to the way it was before.  Big mistake, the only thing that happened is that he became more cautious with his cell phone, he elaborated his lies better and he returned to his double life.  This became the vicious and toxic cycle that we have been living, today I do not know if he is really bisexual, I know that he will never accept that he is not, the last time we had sex about a year or more ago, it cost him a lot of work  get an erection, and it was all very mechanical, I felt that he only did it to make me stop cussing him.

The pandemic gave me the opportunity for the fog to disappear, putting aid groups like this one in my path, which little by little makes me more aware that this is not the life I want, to know that I am not alone in this,  that my doubts, fears and insecurities are not a bad thing, that I have every right to feel that way, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, they have given me strength to regain my self-esteem.

I started working on an exit plan, finding a way to have financial resources, (I am at zero) looking for all the resources to regain my peace of mind.

It has not been easy, because we continue living together, today for example he put a beautiful publication on Facebook talking about how much he loves me, with beautiful photos of beautiful moments that we have lived, far from feeling happy it causes me anger, how he continues to manipulate  all so that they continue to believe that we are the perfect couple.

I know that every day I get stronger and I no longer fall so easy in his game, it still hurts a lot because we used to be a great couple, we are both very creative people and we have been a great team in our business, but without intimacy, darling  and trust, we can't possibly move on.  I hope soon to have the necessary peace of mind to be able to speak things without complaints, resentments, from that love that once existed, for the good of our children and ourselves.

Sorry for this post, but it has been healing and necessary, in order to have the strength to get out of this limbo, I don't know how long it will take, I just hope to get to the other side, strong and with the illusion of living in peace  .  I don't know what will happen if each of us will take their own path or if we will continue together through all the other things that unite us, I trust that God guides me on the right path.

 

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