LostIdentity wrote:

Hi All,

New in this forum. Welcome to our Forum Lost

I have been married to my husband for almost 6 years. I've been with my partner going on 36 years

Recently found some messages from other men, with whom he has clearly had some sexual encounters. Yes several men.
A few years back I had found some messages and emails, and confronted him about. He denied everything. He then said he met up with one guy to smoke weed. Nothing sexual. I brushed it off, because I wanted to believe it, I was 7 months pregnant at the time.

When I found the messages recently, I kept digging. Found him on a sex "dating" website and in his profile he labeled himself as bisexual. I have known my partner is bisexual for 20 years and was accepting of it til it started to interfere with the way I felt about myself and him. Also his intent seemed to clearly become something totally different to how he initially portrayed it. I was naive too.

I tried to confront him about it and once again he denies everything. Keeps saying he has never had an affair. He wont tell me why he is on the website. And then twisted the whole conversation to make me feel guilty, when he is the one doing wrong. These men don't like confrontation, mine used to belittle me when I asked questions. If you bear this in mind when you confront him....just continue stacking up his denial against your questions, and be clear, with yourself, about the questions and proof that you have. Keep note of all interactions, it'll help you sort it out later

When I look back now, his interest in men, make some things make sense. We have never had a great sex life, I always thought maybe ED , since he is 15 years older than me. And has always said I never initiate, when I do and he finds some excuse not to. And has many times suggested we have anal, I was never into that so always said no.

I feel so much betrayal and anger. I feel like I have been living a lie. Find somebody to confide in, who will keep your confidence. You need to not keep this to yourself

Will he ever admit? I feel like I need that to find closure This is a secret of his. If you have definite proof already does he really have to admit it? Why give him the opportunity to simply tell you more lies....

Does this pain ever go away? eventually the pain turns into a strength I find myself crying a lot and shaking Yes we know all about the crying I thought mine would never stop. But it did

I want to leave him, but I am afraid and worried how this will affect our son (he is 3yo)
This is why it's SO important to confide in a doctor, counselor, good friend or family. Think more about how it will affect your son to have a mother who's heartbroken .

We're all here for you

Elle
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 11, 2020 6:47 pm)

Your say your community is against divorce and doesn't accept homosexuality.  Does it also believe that homosexuality is "a choice" and push for "gay conversion"?  I ask because if that's so, opening up to them might subject you to pressure to stay as a means to help "convert" him.  
For this and other reasons, I hope you will find your way to a therapist who has experience in trauma.  You need someone 100% in your corner, who has no agenda other than helping you sort out your own feelings and helping you to move forward in the direction in which you decide to go.

 Also, as your spouse cheated, I suggest you visit ChumpLady.com   She's no nonsense and I learned a lot from her about personality disorders and the ways our spouses attempt to manipulate and guilt us.

It sounds like you're feeling out of control. You don't know what to do. Maybe, whilst you're deciding, you should take baby steps. Start going out more and creating a support network. it will make you feel like you're taking back control by becoming less dependant on him. Think of it as an empowing excercise. 

Last edited by ExBeard (October 20, 2020 5:07 pm)