OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



October 12, 2020 1:02 pm  #1


Feeling Insecure and Confused

I’ve been married for over 17 years. When we first married, I wanted sex frequently but my husband didn’t. We’d have sex a couple times a month, when he wasn’t deployed. A year into our marriage, I found chat messages online between him and another person - a gay man in drag. I confronted him and he claimed he was trolling. I was hurt and it seemed odd but I wanted to trust him so I let it go.

Throughout our marriage, my libido declined. His increased. He told me about his fetish for fur, which was ok with me. We watched porn together - all hetero or girl on girl. He would sometimes cross dress in marabou or fur and get disappointed that it didn’t turn me on. We would go to gay bars together or with friends. He became friends with a drag queen but ended their friendship when they asked him for money for “court fees”. My husband and I at some point began having occasional anal sex.

Cut to three years ago. Our sex life was down to maybe three times a year. Then I had GYN issues leading to two surgeries culminating in a full hysterectomy. My hormones are gone, and I can’t take them for medical reasons. I’m hardly ever turned on, and I feel super guilty about it. My husband had moved on to wanting anal toys used on him. He watches a lot of porn and masturbates up to three times a day.

Last weekend, my husband admitted that he is attracted to male genitalia but says he’s still attracted to women. This attraction includes men in drag and she-males. He has expressed no interest in having extramarital relationships or experimentation outside our marriage. However, he encouraged me to purchase a strap on and use it on him. After some alcohol, I used it in the pitch dark.

I felt nothing. No excitement. No empowerment. He’d never been more turned on.

I’m concerned about my role in our marriage now. That I may not be enough and am feeling very insecure. I asked him if he’s bi and he said he thinks so. A few days later he drunkenly confessed to having been molested around age 18 by another man (groped) but nothing further. He never told anyone else.

He says he loves me and only wants to be with me. But I’m afraid he may want to explore things further at some point, and I’m not OK with that. I told him as much. He assures me he’s not interested in men. I’m not sure what to think now...

 

October 12, 2020 1:18 pm  #2


Re: Feeling Insecure and Confused

TryingInVA wrote:

 

Have you been tested for STIs...?
I don't believe that a man is doing all those things and not taking it further. The fur, the 'friends, the gay bars.....the anal!

He may not want to let you go because you represent his "normal heterosexual" life. My partner once asked me to use a toy on him. I picked it up, put it down and walked out of the room. It sickened me because I knew what it represented, and for a lot of our time together I'd been tolerant and pliable

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 12, 2020 1:41 pm  #3


Re: Feeling Insecure and Confused

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

TryingInVA wrote:

 

Have you been tested for STIs...?
I don't believe that a man is doing all those things and not taking it further. The fur, the 'friends, the gay bars.....the anal!

He may not want to let you go because you represent his "normal heterosexual" life. My partner once asked me to use a toy on him. I picked it up, put it down and walked out of the room. It sickened me because I knew what it represented, and for a lot of our time together I'd been tolerant and pliable

Elle
 

Knowing there’s an erogenous zone up there, I was ok with the stimulation factor. He admitted he always expected sex to be like it is in pornos, and he knows that was unrealistic. I just feel like I must not be enough for him.

Or is it more...?

     Thread Starter
 

October 12, 2020 1:54 pm  #4


Re: Feeling Insecure and Confused

This sounds like a very challenging situation, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m in a similar situation with my ex coming out as bisexual and I can totally understand why you’re feeling this way. I think you’re doing the right thing by being so open with each other about where you’re at. Just take each day as it comes and do what you need to do to protect your heart and honour where your feelings are at, I promise it gets easier.

 

October 12, 2020 2:21 pm  #5


Re: Feeling Insecure and Confused

TryingInVA wrote:

.......I just feel like I must not be enough for him..Or is it more...?

 

Stop having sex with him. That should tell you. 
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 12, 2020 3:15 pm  #6


Re: Feeling Insecure and Confused

You may also want to think about the porn habit. There are studies that suggest constant porn usage may have a desensitizing effect that results in the user seeking out more porn that gets edgier and edgier to bring the "thrill" back. This is probably an area where a therapist/psychologist is advisable. I'm not suggesting that it's all due to the porn, however it might be one of the factors in what seems like escalation on his part. You've defined a line in your relationship that you will not cross. What's he prepared to do to avoid jumping it?


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum