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1 of 1- Stronger
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The devil comes to town
So, things had been going okay for us lately... but tonight an old wound has reopened...
The back story is that my husband was outed by me in March, just before covid lockdown, when I found a bag full of dildos and butt plugs. He did not say that he was gay. Our sex life had been lacking for a very long time. Since then, after many conversations, I am fairly certain that he has never actually had any form of sex with a man (oral, hand, anal, kissing, etc.) but I discovered in April that he was texting sexual fantasies based on pictures with a close friend... to be specific, with his gay (married) business partner. That was really hard for me... but his business partner lives in another country so covid allowed distance which allowed me to start to heal and rebuild.
Today, my husband and I were out running errands to finish redecorating our guest room. He got this idea to have a drink tray with little snacks and bottled drinks to help fill some empty space. I thought it was a little silly because items will go stale but whatever... as we are driving home he asks if I know who will eat the stuff. I guess him and he says no, the business partner. My blood went cold.
That’s when I learned that the business partner, his gay sexting buddy, is coming for a week in November. I used to like this man well enough, although he is a hard and demanding houseguest but now I hate him. The business has struggled during covid, and their relationship has soured with some business issues and the sexting being cut off. (They no longer sext) So the visit will be intense for all. They will argue and possibly fight, I will hate having this man in my home and I don’t trust either one of them. (I say that but I can’t imagine my husband doing something to hurt me, I’m not being naive, he really would never hurt me intentionally.)
So, how do I rise above this and help plan and make my home nice to welcome the devil?
- Dutchman
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Re: The devil comes to town
Well Stronger, it sure sounds like a fun week you're gonna have...
My survival tips would be to talk with your husband about it. Not just at the surface level, but how you honestly feel about it all. Probably your husband has a lot to share also about how he's going to handle it, not just the bussiness aspect but how he handles this after the history of the sexting.
Potentially this is a very good opportunity to open up further talks about feelings and thoughts of you both. And it may just turn out like an extra bond between you two joining forces, as it's beneficial this business partner has become somewhat of a common enemy as I understand.
But openly share your specific feelings with your husband about this man being in your house and what this does to you. So your husband understands very well (beforehand) he has to be on your side through it all. Priority one: your emotional wellbeing, priority two: bussiness dealings.
Don't wait until into the actual week itself, but prepare by talking it through together in advance. It's gonna be a demanding week for you in any case, so preparing beforehand as much as possible seems like a wise strategy.
A main ingredient of building a succesful MOM is honest communication. Troublesome situations, like you have to face next month, may seem like nothing but trouble, but when it stimulates more open communication, it can turn out as gain.
Let the devil bite his own tail, while you and your husband progress on a path to more communication and understanding.
- TangledOil
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Re: The devil comes to town
Hi Stronger,
I see absolutely no reason why you should host this person in your home. None whatsoever. He should stay elsewhere. And as far as your husband going to meet with him to discuss business, I’d also say that’s a hard no. He can easily have a Zoom meeting as just about everyone else is doing these days. Talk with your husband and let him know all of your concerns in a productive and calm way.
Wishing you the very best,
Tangled
- Stronger
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Re: The devil comes to town
Thank you Dutchman and Tangled for the responses. Husband and I talked about it just a little this morning and he understands some of my apprehension so I’m eager to do what Dutchman suggests and use this as an opportunity to build our relationship. The visit won’t be pretty either way, the business side or the personal side.
Tangled, while I would love to say no, we co own the business with this person and they really do need to work on things together. I have some security plans in place but I really am not worried, I think Dutchman has a good point.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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Thread Starter- Dutchman
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Re: The devil comes to town
It sure is a complicated situation for you.
For us trying to give the best advice, it's hard to estimate how the actual/factual situation during "that week in november" will exactly look like. Tangled reaction rightfully expresses her concern about this. The situation contains many possible turns and aspects.
Unknown is your practical involment in the business, are you directly involved in these business talks between your husband and that business partner?
I talked about your ordeal with my wife. My wife raised the question whether you are physicly present while your husband and "the business partner" are discussing matters (like in the same room). Or you are supposed to be somewehere else (in the house).
This will make a difference. Not only for you, being directly aware what's going on, and not just guessing (with at least some amount of anxiousness). But your presence in the room will have influence on the situation.
Just by being there in the same room, is a clear reminder&signal what the priorities in your relation are. That is: a reminder for your husband, and a signal (statement!) to the "business partner".
It's not about some fear they will make out or something if you're not present, but the psychological/emotional aspect of you being there in the same room.
Still, all this is also food for communication with your husband.
- TangledOil
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Re: The devil comes to town
Yes, absolutely, agree with you and your wife, Dutchman. I also posed this question to my (bi and monogamous) husband before I answered initially and he was even more firm than I was in seeing absolutely no reason you need to host this person in your home. Chances are if this person were a woman business partner that he had done the same things with (sexting, etc...) you wouldn’t feel as inclined to need to host her in your home.
Last edited by TangledOil (October 12, 2020 11:32 am)
- Stronger
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Re: The devil comes to town
Good points... much of the business discussions will be either in the office (open floor plan, shared with another company with whom I am friends) or with clients. At the house, I cannot imagine the opportunity to be in the same room without me will occur. The house is mostly for sleeping and breakfast/dinner which would be taken along with our two teenage children. Perhaps some tv, but not just the two of them.
We have already started talking about things. He is just as nervous as I am... but I kind of think that’s a good thing.
In the past, sometimes the business partner would sleep in while just I am home, and I would be a great hostess preparing coffee and breakfast when he finally arose. I’m not thinking this visit will be like that ;)
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Thread Starter- TangledOil
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Re: The devil comes to town
Stronger,
How are you doing/feeling in preparation for this houseguest?
Tangled
- Virion
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Re: The devil comes to town
Stronger,
Fair dues to you , you are very supportive, personally I wouldn't have him in my house to protect my own emotional and mental health ...he is your husbands problem, you cannot police what they may or may not do together as I really believe if they want to do something they will regardless , I just wouldn't do it..I would book him a hotel or I would be in the hotel ! You are not obligated to hold your husbands hand , you need to hold your own
- Stronger
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Re: The devil comes to town
Thank you Tangled and Virion, we are still not positive devil is coming to town... but I am as ready as I can be. I agree that if something is going to happen, there is nothing I could do to stop it. I don’t really think I’m worried about it but I guess that could change when the actual visit happens. I am lucky that my parents have a place nearby that is a second home for them so I can go there if I feel uncomfortable.
I’m also finally going to talk to someone for me this week. I don’t really know what I am seeking to get from initiating this conversation but I am looking forward to some support and guidance.
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