OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

October 7, 2020 2:15 pm  #1

Searching for Something

I am so glad that I found this forum. I have been searching since DDay (August 4 of this year) for answers or advice or……something. Just being here will hopefully help.

My husband of 22 years (29 together) was caught having emotional affairs with other men and women through social media. No one we knew personally, just random people. When I caught him and confronted him, he informed me that not only was he ‘getting a high’ from the attention of these people, but that he was also Bi. Wow….that was an emotional night!

I was floored.

It took us many weeks of conversations and starting therapy (individual therapy for now) to get to the point where he is comfortable discussing this ‘bi’ thing with me. I am slowly become more aware of what it means for him and for us. He has sworn up and down that he has never had a physical encounter with either men or women in all of our 29 years together. I do believe him, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I have forgiven (but not forgotten!) the online emotional affairs and the betrayal, but I cannot seem to get past the constant thoughts that I will never be enough for him.
We had a wonderful sex life for the first 10 or 12 years of marriage. We both (I assumed) were satisfied, but it faded to almost nothing around 2007/2008. What once was two or three times a week was down to two or three times a month. I guess I attributed it to work and kids and the usual stuff. We still seemed happy. Little did I know that this was when he was starting his nonsense online and was probably around the time he made his own realizations about himself. He grew a bit distant and less romantic. Sex became very mundane. He began having a hard time getting an erection and if he got one…it didn’t last. If I brought the topic up….it was usually my fault. I had put on 10 pounds and wasn’t as attractive or it was because he worked the night shift that week. Always something.

His therapist has been working with him on his own struggles. It is helping a bit and we have taken to exploring things in the bedroom – some I actually like – some I don’t. He is pretty good about not pushing to try things that make me uncomfortable and he is quite aware that I will NEVER have another person in our marriage. If he chooses to step out, its over. I think (hope) he gets it.
He is taking what the therapist says to heart and is trying to be more affectionate and caring. We are trying to spend more time together and to make that time just about us. I am open to trying new things, but sex still seems to lean in his direction (anal play that seems to go on FOREVER ). I have had to be firm with him when he initiates sex. I have had to say that if he wants to be with me, then I deserve to be satisfied sexually….just like him. Our upcoming weekend away may just be the tipping point as to whether he understands or not.
I guess what I am searching for is proof that this newfound affection he has for me is genuine and that he isn’t just doing it because the therapist told him to. It’s so hard to trust him right now.


Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum