Welcome ferngrove,

I did not see any signs ..more like I got hit by a bus.

But, my now GX was lying and hiding her affair..that I could feel in my bones.  Call it your gut/bones/intuition..one can feel it.   Is he locking and hiding his phone from you? Emotionally distant and confiding rather in a friend..

As a straight guy i can assure you no straight guy would tell his spouse he was bi.  You should believe him when he tells you he has same sex attraction.
It's a sad thing... there are no take backs from his saying that and you're now feeling the enormous weight and anxiety that comes with that... ie.  If he goes out with his friend for a beer is it two friends having a beer or a date?   Why should you have to wonder?

Know that you did nothing wrong. It is a shock so be kind to yourself.  Start building your support network for help.

Last edited by Rob (October 6, 2020 10:04 pm)

Ok, so for me.  There were no 'signs'.  I consider myself to be an empath and very able to read people in person.  For my husband I always felt he was not 100% emotionally open with me, or 100% able to be open, but that is it.  He has never been great at talking about his feelings in general.  I never suspected he had sexual encounters (receiving oral twice) in his past.  I never suspected he found that scenario erotic.  

If I were to think of ways my husband is different than many I would say:
-He does his fair share of cooking and cleaning (often does more than me if I am honest)
-He lives a vegan lifestyle and his reason is he doesn't think it is his right to kill animals for food if there are other non-violent options, as well as environmental/sustainability reasons
-He is an amazing father, very nurturing, always very good with our babies

He does have a few male friends, close friends he has had since high school.  They all live hours away now and are married with children, but they do meet up sometimes.  He doesn't really have any close friends around where we live now though.  

He has never been one to ogle other woman at all, I have never noticed him even slightly checking out a man (or a woman really if I am honest).  He has always been sensitive to the fact that I don't like 'pigish' men.

He has admitted to me in the past few days that he has looked up gay porn a few times before, but not for many many year and that he has looked up hetero porn or lesbian porn much more often.  (I didn't know he looked up any porn at all).

I am just trying to make sense of things.  Can it be that he is a straight man with some bi curiosities that have caused him a tremendous amount of shame?  He has never physically cheated on me (apparently).

(please see my other posts for more details of what happened and my current situation)

Last edited by Ferngrove (October 7, 2020 10:47 am)

Nope, I didn’t have any signs. In fact, my husband was always known as the guy who was ‘all hands’ in high school, and when I met up with him after my husband passed away & he was 53, he was still after the women. When we would go out, I’d ask: “did you go out with her, and her, and her...?” ( ie: did you have sex?....if he went out with someone, they had sex....), and the answer was always ‘yes’. 
He doesn’t have any male friends, except the ones we’d see together. He’s not feminine at all & does dirty, hard work all the time. I guess the closest I can think of is that he likes antiques and he picks up his clothes. But, I imagine many men do 😉.

I didn’t know anything until he wanted to ask me something about his iPad & when he showed it to me there was a nude picture of a man! It was a CL ad (the old men seeking men before they took it down). He acted astonished;” How did that get there?!?!? You know how people send you things!” I told him it wasn’t an email, but a web site/CL to be exact..... so, the lies started & went on for 1 1/4 yrs until I finally found enough info where he had go at least start telling me the truth...that he’d been having sex with men our entire relationship: in fact, since Boy Scouts, and had been doing so all along. 
But, as I mentioned earlier, he does like women, so he’s not gay, but bi. He hasn’t been with a man or looked at porn since May, 2019, which is the longest he’s gone..ever. He said once he found how much it hurt me (I really believe he didn’t know it would be THIS bad. He came from a single life, drugs & sex —with anyone/any time. He cleaned up in 2000 & has been clean & sober for almost 21 years. So, he’s treating this as an addiction; one day at a time. He said he never wants to hurt me like that again. I know there is no way to know ‘never’ will actually happen. Even in straight marriages, you never know. But, for now: One Day at a Time, and it IS getting better!
I’ll take it as it comes and realize there are no promises of riding off into the sunset together, but with each passing day/week/etc, I’m more hopeful.

Best to you.

(((HUGS)))

Last edited by SusanneH (October 7, 2020 12:23 pm)