When I first found out my husband was looking online for men, (all I knew for 15 months was ‘just looking’ since he was lying to me). Once I found he had cheated, I immediately got online to look for help. I needed to find information as to what I could do (whether it be to stay or go. I didn’t know what to do at first!) But, I needed some help. The first forum I found was “surviving infidelity”. I posted some on there & got some good help with post-affair things to do to help the marriage, but it wasn’t easy posting about same sex affairs. It was also terribly negative and almost everyone was angry.
I eventually found SSN. But, to back up. It took 15 months of me looking at his computer, phone, AT&T records etc. I found porn, dating sites & emails to men......It was awful. Everything I found & asked him about, he would say “I never met any of those men!!!!!”...always in a defensive manner. (Red flag). Then, he finally had to admit he went to meet them, but said he didn’t have sex with any of them! He said none met his standards....one was too old; one was a hoarder, etc......Well, turns out they were, but he had sex with them anyway. He never turned anyone down.
On June 1, 2019, he finally admitted to ONE man after I found enough info on his phone/AT&T. He said they met at the local porn video store& had oral sex in the little back rooms ..(UGHHHH) for about 2 years. He said he picked this guy because he was about the same age, married, ‘safe’ & could get there quickly. He was only interested in the oral sex; nothing else. He didn’t even know the guy’s last name.
I was in total shock & didn’t know where to turn. It took several weeks to decide if I wanted to stay & then it was tentative. *the ‘affair’ had been over for 6 months*. We started reconciliation, bought books & both read through them together. He was trying, but I never thought it was hard enough after the beginning. I never gave up on the other men questions. So, when he finally realized I was serious about a polygraph (these things are more often brought up on the other forum), he admitted he had been having sex with men our entire relationship; and in fact since Boy Scouts. That was Nov 24, 2019.. 
I originally told him to leave. I couldn’t handle it. But, we had such a great  relationship before this. We were best friends, had a good sex life (only reason it wasn’t great was partly due to me. I’m ill & weak, so limited), and just got along great. He never went out at night. He did all this during the day. He has his own business & goes around town all day to businesses & residences tinting windows....so, he had time on his hands in between.
It’s been hard. I changed to the point where I was screaming, saying things I’ve never said before, and just thought I would go crazy. I was married before, and my husband NEVER cheated on me in 32 years. He passed away just after I turned 50. I got married just out of high school & that was all I knew. My current husband was a bachelor until we got married. All he knew was drugs & sex (with anyone & everyone) all his life. So, it was normal to him to be having sex outside the marriage even though I had told him how I felt about monogamy before we got married..STRICT monogamy. This was torture for me & I couldn’t see how we could get through it. I didn’t think I could get over him leaving home in the morning/ kissing me goodbye & then going out & sucking a guy’s dick/ coming home & kissing me again like nothing was different. I couldn’t get the images out of my mind. It was killing me more than the bisexuality was bothering me. 
Anyway, I finally found SSN & felt I had finally found help. But, there was as much negativity & anger here as there was on the other forum until I found the MOM’s section. Heck, I didn’t even know what a MOM was! It was a big help & actually had suggestions that might work to keep a marriage together instead of just how to get out of it. My husband & I get along really well for the most part. Since all this happened we have been arguing/ or having long “discussions”.....all day ones. But, they’re getting better. We’re both working at it. I love him very much and it would be terrible just to throw it all away before giving it a good try. He hasn't looked at porn or been with a man since before May 30, 2019, which is the longest he's gone without. Ouch.
I am truly sorry for all of you who have tried and had your marriages NOT work. I feel for you & at the same time, I see a lot of you are much happier now. I’m glad for those of you who are, whether your marriage worked or not. 
Through this thread, it’s been mentioned that we “MOM’s” saying positive things about making things work is like “rubbing salt in the wound” for people whose MOM’s didn’t work. Well, coming on to this forum & ONLY reading negative things about marriages NOT working and how they CAN’T & how we don’t stand a chance, etc; is hurtful, too. That’s what I ran into when I first go on it & it almost ran me off. It’s harmful to all to only be negative & to spread that negativity to someone new who is trying to find some hope in all of this. 
I’m glad when I see someone like TangledOil who believes her MOM is a success even though it’s only 10 months. If you’re doing well, TO, then you’re successful. Hopefully that will continue for you!
Of course, I don't know how successful our MOM will be/if it will last, but I don't want to just give up before trying. If things don't work out, I do know I'll be all right by myself, but would much rather spend it with my husband, as long as he's faithful and good to me.
Oh, and I was told by someone that they didn’t want to hear me talking about the “glories’ of a MOM.....wow, I’ve never done that! We’ve yet to reach the glory stage, but hope to someday do that. We’re hopeful and with our love for each other, if we stay open & honest, I think we have a chance 😊. 

Last edited by SusanneH (October 6, 2020 11:25 am)