Thanks for the help guys.   I'm only recently divorced so I'm learning.   Yes, I must maintain some contact for the kids.  Otherwise we don't speak or text and I am no contact.  Seriously.. I am no contact..but she can text me  ..if its about the kids and needs a reply.. she gets  one...on topic..no tangents.  But anything else my reply is always no reply. ...nothing ...crickets.    I was getting her adding hurtful comments to a conversation about the kids..she can't stop herself I realize..I ignore those.

But ...I've been getting the unexpected, random, not about the kids hurtful texts.   I was doing fine with no contact, looking forward..hopeful...trying to forget all the hurtful things shes said and did..   but then WHAM...  some texts designed  to make me shake..  Horrible mean things...she is still harboring intense anger and hatred of me.   My reply to these. ..nothing...no reply..NO CONTACT...but the damage is done..I read them..she won.   She knows just what to say from knowing me all these years for maximum hurt.  

So I'm doing ok..was doing.... So glad she is gone..trying to get on with my life .but then every once and while...her anger still being flung at me.   Healing is hard when they are still hurting you.  I keep reminding myself that I owe her nothing (but what is in the settlement).   She is not entitled to hurt me anymore...she gave up that right...  I'll have my lawyer reply if she keeps wanting a reply.

Locking my doors and turning off my phone..
 

Last edited by Rob (September 21, 2016 8:44 pm)

Rob, she is seriously messed up. Take heed what others, those with brilliant experience here, have to offer. I particularly liked WendiT's last paragraph. She's someone else' problem now

We had mediation yesterday for our divorce.  

Everything went very smoothly for us.  I have been very pro-active in negotiation terms ahead of time, so it wasn't a matter of making decisions with the mediators, but rather, it was just making sure that she would remain in agreement to those decisions. 

While nothing is truly final until the divorce decree is signed this was a big step forward.  I have 50/50 legal and physical custody of my sons.  We have a calendar drawn up that agrees with both of our schedules as well as possible.  I will pay some child support according to our state's formula, but it won't be too horrible because we are 50/50.  No alimony!  She is going to move to a new house and I get to keep the current home (but I have to split the equity in it and give her money).  I consider all of these things to be fair and reasonable. 

So far we haven't gotten into any major fights and we've only spend $500 on mediation and $230 on the divorce filing with the court.  This is considerably better than the many thousands that we would have each incurred with attorneys.  

While I'm still considerably hurt and grieving the lie that my life has been and her cheating on me, I am fortunate that we remain amicable and friendly and are both being very reasonable with negotiations.  We both have the boys as our primary concern and this has kept things favorable for both parties. 

My next goal is to try to get a waiver of the mandatory 6 month waiting period.  I'd like to get the divorce finalized by the holidays if possible.  The sooner it's final, the sooner I can move forward rebuilding my life and eventually finding a new relationship (if I'm fortunate). 

Just an update for the group.. 

Thanks again so very much for all the support and advice given to me thus far.   I'm far from done with this process, but I feel i'm making considerable progress and I'm forever indebted to this group of people for helping me get here. 

No alimony...if she does not make more money than you than I hereby call her a saint along with Steves ex.  My lezex was all about hurting me financially, physically, emotionally...all about hurt..she wanted alimony until I was in the grave..and even after.  Rage I got when the judge laughed and told her dead people do not pay alimony.
I thank God for the board here where folks told me to get off my arse and protect myself.

I am fortunate to have to go through this saga with someone who is at least reasonable and not greedy or cruel.  We are more or less splitting assets 50/50.  She has more value in her retirement accounts but is letting me keep some rental properties in trade.  She has an inheritance that has been comingled, but i'm letting her keep that without fight because she agreed to not ask for alimony.  It's a fair deal for both of us and that will allow us to maintain a reasonably good relationship and not fight through this divorce. 

Being on good terms will be best for both of us and especially for the kids.  I think we both know this and that has motivated us to remain civil and perhaps even generous to each other. 

Still a long way to go, but I am making progress. 


I still struggle with the idea of being alone.  I still struggle with the pain of her lies and betrayal.  I still struggle with my desire to find someone new and knowing that I have to wait a while to reach that point.  But I will get through this.