OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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1 of 1- knielson
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I have been married to my husband for 9 years when he came out to me as gay 2 months ago. Since then you can guess that my mind and emotions have been all over the place, especially since I am currently 33 weeks pregnant with our first child. I have days where I think about our relationship and think we can make this work by possibly opening the marriage with the help of therapists, but then other days I feel like even that wouldn't make my husband completely happy and he would just end up leaving me years down the line. I don't want to make any rash decisions right now as I'm close to delivering and have another person to consider in this whole situation. I'm also trying to consider my own feelings in this, would being in an open marriage make me happy and fulfilled in our marriage, or would I feel inferior to his other relationship. I also feel selfish by trying to keep him in this marriage or I'm holding him back from being his true self. I'm so confused and really don't want to let our relationship go, as we have done and experienced amazing fulfilling things together. Unfortunately, if I mention things that we could try to stay monogamous, my husband will say he will try it but already has the mindset that it is not going to work for him. So he is mainly considering an open marriage or divorce. At this point, I can't see myself being ok with an open marriage but have heard about other couples in one saying it has made their marriage stronger. I'm just wondering how other couples are making things work with their LGBTQ spouses, either monogomously or otherwise? And how do you get over the inadequacy you might feel being in this situation?
Last edited by knielson (August 19, 2020 5:02 pm)
- TangledOil
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I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I want you to know that this is 100% NOT your inadequacy. This is on your husband entirely. I hope others will chime in and offer some support. My husband came out as bi after nearly 28 years together 8 months ago. We have decided to stay together and continue with our monogamous relationship.
- Virion
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Kneilson,
I'M so sorry to hear you are going through this
My advice to you is to listen to what your husband is telling you, he is GAY he wants OUT, its in his DNA no amount of therapy or wishing or praying will change this
I have been in this dance for 4 years , my husband would get depressed, enraged , fight with me and the children when his Homosexual desires overcame him and he felt unable to express himself,he would watch porn, then become crippled with guilt- our relationship was very difficult, I was the scapegoat of his unfulfilled desires
He came out 4 months ago, when I suggested divorce , he got such a fright he has temporarily gone "back in the closet" but I know the writing is on the wall
He is desperately clinging to our marriage in the hope of making it work , but inevitably the urges will surface again and he will be tormented ...He does love me but he cannot get an erection with me ..the mind is a powerful thing!
You are vulnerable now but strangely you will find huge strength despite your pregnancy , you may have weak moments but the hormones only tend to hit in the first few weeks post delivery and cause you to make the wrong decision based on fear and grief ,by protecting your baby now you are going to be surprisingly on track
Do it now, get a Lawyer, secure your home and finances, make your nest , have your baby and breathe back in your strength
You do not deserve this, build a new life NOW, He is GAY , you ( we_) will never be enough
Strength and Blessings to you
- Julian_Stone
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I am so sorry you are going through this....pregnant yet! I certainly don't want to add to your stress right now, but maybe you should talk to your doctor privately. If there's a chance he was unfaithful, he could be putting both you & the baby at risk. My heart goes out to you. You need to take care of yourself as much as you can now. Is there someone you can talk to? A close friend or counselor?
- knielson
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Thank you for your messages and support.
Julian Stone, Thank you for your concern. I actually have been talking with a counselor and a close family member but sometimes you just need to talk with others who have been and understand exactly what you are going through. My husband has also assured me that he hasn't been sleeping around with other men and I do believe him. I was also checked for many STI's at the beginning of my 2nd trimester.
Unfortunatly, the past couples days have been very hard and we have decided to divorce. Virion is right. It took a little while but I could tell he wasn't "in" this marriage anymore. I think he was mentally gone before he actually came out to me. The past 2 months he was feeding me what I wanted to hear about trying to save our marriage and it took me, sifting through what he was saying to finally just tell him that he already knew what he wanted to do when he first came out. We have a lot to figure out now, especially now with our child coming in less than 2 months. You can probably guess that I am experiencing so many emotions including a lot of anger and betrayl right now. Just trying to work through this.
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Thread Starter- Dutchman
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knielson wrote:
You can probably guess that I am experiencing so many emotions including a lot of anger and betrayl right now. Just trying to work through this.
I think everybody understands this, but you took the right decision. You're sensible and brave! I hope you have/find further support going through all that's ahead of you.
- Figstrong
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Knielson, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am new to this group and it has been helpful for me to talk to people who are unfortunately going through this as well. It has been a great resource....Thinking about you.......
- RickE.
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Knielson, hello, I am very sorry to hear about your difficulties. I am in a position whereupon I have a gay in denial wife that very obviously is turned on by women! She just is reluctant to admit it, though she does not try to hide her attractions. I am trying to deal with it as best I can, though she has not attempted to hook up with one thus far, as she's very religious and thinks that it's sinning. She has to watch lesbian porn when making love in order to get off now.
One thing to watch out for is getting a disease from your hubby, as gay men can carry HIV more often than non gay men because of the rear end sex they have, as the colon and rectum can bleed easily. Please be extra careful!
Last edited by RickE. (October 4, 2020 9:36 am)
- amgc
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I am so sorry for what you are going through. Try to focus on the positive and stay healthy for your baby- there's so many people here to support you now- take advantage! I only joined my first zoom call last week and it blew me away how not-alone I felt- please do it! All the best!