Thanks for this Sam, I'm glad you are moving on successfully.  I feel I am starting to.  This board was a lifeline and reading the last thread I'm so disturbed that someone like OOHC would leave or anyone else.  

TangledOil,  You are still in the early days of disclosure really.   I'm sad that there isn't more support really for those trying to make a go of a MOM, but as someone who posted regularly when I was at my absolute lowest points, I think sometimes it was painful to think that some could have truly open and honest discussions with their spouses.  Perhaps you have that and you are able to sort out your needs within the relationship.  Respect that some here are much farther along the path which is not to say they know better than you know in your personal situation what is best for you.  As EllenXO says, we are all adults making what are important and individual decisions. 

Like Phoneix I so wanted my spouse to come back, show some level of understanding and compassion for my feelings and the pain his behaviour caused me. It's great to think there are those LBGT spouses who possibly were more honest and not in a place of blaming their straight spouse.  But to allow your spouse to blame behaviour on old trauma dismisses your role in their life and expectations and or promises made to you around fidelity etc.  To report infidelity after the fact is still pretty rubbish behaviour....

It is easier and more plausible for someone in the pain of that situation to think that those pursuing a MOM are still facing what I was, a lying and manipulative spouse who is not interested in admitting to or even dealing openly with the ramifications of their behaviour.   I really loved my husband.  It was beyond painful that talking openly about his feelings was never an option.  I think it takes a huge amount of sensitivity on both parts to do the MOM thing, so I wish you lots of luck and joy in going forward.  Labelling someone Delusional is a natural and understandable response/thought from their POV and experience which is all any of us can speak from.  Understanding they are not you, you and your spouse may be 'Successful" and yet some might think it still a sort of delusion.  Humans are subjective creatures...

I was talking with a friend who was praising a man who was transitioning to a woman as being a upright church goer.  I felt my hackles rise as I thought of his straight wife, the thought of the many I've read here suffering so much.  I said to this friend that it is offensive to hear this man praised as I feel so much the pain of his wife -  who did not plan to be married to a woman.  The story and the drama is always around the LGBT partner.  This is a straight spouse forum.  And understandably sometimes it is hostile to the LGBT side of things.

It is such a difficult situation and no two are alike, so I wish them well and you well as we deal with this, but this is a safe place whatever the delusional ideas of success or failure look and sound like.  Two imposters really....a success for one might be an abject failure for another....

I miss Kel and some of the old posters who wrote so well and helpfully to those entering the forum.  I wish I had the time and inclination, but sadly I don't.  It is a lifeline.  I hope we can keep it supportive and cordial unlike so much of the world out there at the moment.  The ability to cooperate and to treat our fellow humans with dignity is being undermined in many public spaces (omg that debate 😩 ) so lets not be another one of those places...

 

Last edited by Leah (October 1, 2020 3:22 pm)

Thank you Leah, 

Yes, we’re only 10 months past disclosure, but honestly I’ve known for our entire 28+ years that he wasn’t (typically) straight. When he was in a bad place in January and I questioned him I asked if he “had a girlfriend or boyfriend.” I’m not that naive and although he didn’t admit anything all these years, we did occasionally talk about the possibility of some scattered gay interests for our entire relationship. I really do think we’ll be just fine. 95+% of the time it’s not a focus in our lives. We have so many other positive aspects to our lives we both agree it’s not worth giving it more attention than it deserves. It has its place, but it doesn’t define us. 

I truly understand many are in a much more rough position and I feel for them as well. I really do. I think it’s only because I’ve befriended so many that are perusing a MOM and felt very uncomfortable at SSN right off the bat that I can see how it does a disservice for them. And it’s obvious that aspects of SSN can do a disservice to those wishing and needing to get out. I’m not sure how both can be best served under the umbrella of SSN. 

Thank you Leah, 

I have absolute confidence my husband hasn’t cheated. It’s a long story, but there’s only one person he’s ever thought of exploring his bi side with and it’s an old friend that lives states away. He hasn’t seen the friend in 31 years. There’s been no discussion of any of this with the friend. This idea popped into his head two months before I questioned him. He hadn’t thought about it prior. The guy states away has no knowledge. His and my sexuality together define us. His interest is very limited so that’s probably helpful to for the success of our marriage. His interest has declined since coming out to me because he wants our marriage to continue on in a positive way. He knows that no one, including him, can have it all. I also don’t have “it all” by having a bisexual husband and he recognizes that too. He’s understanding and compassionate about my position as well. I’m not expecting my husband to change. This has been and will always be a part of who he is and I’m okay with that. My husband has come to the conclusion that "heteroflexible" describes him best. 🤷🏼‍♀️

There’s certainly no right or wrong way to do any of this. Everyone is different and what works for one may not work for another. 

Last edited by TangledOil (October 1, 2020 7:02 pm)