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September 30, 2020 6:09 pm  #21

Re: definition of success?

MJM017 wrote:

Hi Dutchman,

This whole site belongs to the Admins; it neither belongs to me nor you. To repeat, I wanted them to clarify what belongs in the General Discussion board and the Support Board. Thanks!

To all:

This is a hot-button issue. I kindly ask that people refrain from posting on this thread until we hear from the Admins. We all need support for our difficult journeys.

Arguing this or that hurts feelings. It’s not supportive. It doesn’t appear to be kind. Rules for proper Netiquette used to be posted years ago in online forums as many remember. Here’s a refresher. Please read it when you get a chance.

Thanks reading & for getting this far!

Another great post!  Thank you!   I love the rules of etiquette... I should put them in a sticky post somewhere. 

I would say that the forum really belongs to all of the people who post and read here.  It's a community effort meant to offer love and support to those who are hurting and in need.  I don't consider myself an owner or leader of anything, but rather a servant of the whole group.  I just want to help keep things organized and on track so we can be the best at supporting people who need us.   Believe it or not, this forum has saved lives.. for real..  prevented suicide.  That's a credit to all of you. 

I know we are all very passionate about these topics, so we can get a little caught up in debates.  These issues do matter, but at the core of it, we are all here to receive and give back support and compassion.  

To restate the main issue of this thread..  The Making MOM's work section came about because we do have a group of people who want to make their marriage work and those people struggle with the majority of advice being that they should give it up and leave.  That advice is always given genuinely because most of us find that a MOM was not in our best interest.  Those of us who say it's a bad idea are not doing it to hurt them or to intentionally ruin their lives.. it's our honest opinion based on the path we have traveled.   But we have to remember that everyone has a different situation or set of variable in their life.  For those people, the best support we can give them is encouragement and ideas and strategies to help them try to make their marriage work.  If we give them only negativity and say it can't work they will not stick around this forum and we will have failed to support them. 

The existence of that section should not be a threat or negative for anyone on this forum.  It's just a specialized area to offer a little different type of help to people in different situations.  

Remember we are not a normal online forum.  We aren't here to discuss sporting events or hobbies or politics.  We aren't here for entertainment or specialized interests.   We are here to give and receive compassionate and loving support at the lowest and most difficult point in our lives.  We are a lifeline to help people through a situation that nobody else in the world truly understands.  

Let's just be kind and compassionate and love one another.  Let's not argue over technicalities when we could be spending our time lifting each other up as we continue to struggle through such horrible times in our lives. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


September 30, 2020 7:32 pm  #22

Re: definition of success?

Are you aware of any statistical data that could be shared as well, Phoenix? I know that doesn't tell the whole story for people but I would have really liked some hard data when I first got here. People can do what they like with that kind of thing of course, but quite frankly I think it could offer a more neutral source of information. Everything we post is subjective to our own situations. I think people who have left, are thinking about leaving, are thinking about staying, or even thinking about dating someone who has been honest about their sexuality might find a resource like that helpful to make informed decisions. There's a dearth of information like that.

Last edited by Whirligig (September 30, 2020 7:34 pm)


September 30, 2020 9:10 pm  #23

Re: definition of success?

 I'm done with the Forum and out of here. 
 People can delude themselves all they want but I'm not going to be a party to it. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 30, 2020 9:22 pm)


September 30, 2020 9:37 pm  #24

Re: definition of success?


Are you saying that people who choose to stay in a MOM are deluding themselves? I have suspected on some level for our entire 28+ years together. I honestly wouldn’t change a thing other than wishing my husband hadn’t been sexually abused by a teen male when he was young and wishing that he’d figured things out sooner and accepted all of himself sooner. I have no regrets staying and I’m certainly not deluding myself. 


September 30, 2020 9:39 pm  #25

Re: definition of success?


I’ve repeatedly heard 1/6 MOMs last beyond 3 years after disclosure. 


September 30, 2020 9:44 pm  #26

Re: definition of success?

Tangled Oil. 
Yes I am .  


September 30, 2020 9:54 pm  #27

Re: definition of success?

Ok... that’s ridiculous in my opinion. You can’t possibly know what goes on in another persons private relationship. I understand your view though based on what you experienced. 


September 30, 2020 10:23 pm  #28

Re: definition of success?

While I appreciate you sharing what you've heard, I'm referring to actual statistical data with percentages, verifiable sources, etc.

And while only tangentially related, I'm afraid I'm with OOHC. Leading people to believe in  unlikely outcomes isn't doing people any favors and I don't really support that. I'm all about honesty. It's the gaslighting lies I wanted to get away from when I sought support here.

To actively endorse those unlikely outcomes seems like passive abuse from a source that says it's about supporting people. It's the so-called unicorn that keeps people in abusive relationships and I can't support that either. If it had remained on the designated board I was willing to respect it but it appears that the whole board is likely to be MOM focused now. So I think I'll be leaving as well. I'm healing and don't want to derail that with more of what I've read on here recently. OOHC gave excellent advice. I'll always be grateful to her. And by the way, Dutchman, for future reference slander is verbal. Libel is written. And I still stand by what I said. No one has to stick around for abuse.


September 30, 2020 10:39 pm  #29

Re: definition of success?

I’ve never felt like I’ve been the victim of gaslighting or lies. Everyone’s experience is unique. Yes, my husband left out some very painful details of his childhood (being sexually abused by a teen male). I understand his reasons for keeping that info to himself. Believe me, I questioned why I wasn’t told about the abuse years earlier, but I completely understand his reasoning. The statistic of 1/6 was posted here on SSN I believe. I’ll have to find the data again. 


September 30, 2020 10:45 pm  #30

Re: definition of success?

Here’s some info discussing 1 in 6. I’ve seen it stated in studies quite frequently. 


Last edited by TangledOil (September 30, 2020 11:21 pm)


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