Don't keep secrets from a grown 27 year old man. I kept them from two daughters and I am paying for that now. Stop covering for him. Don't enable him to hide. Hold him accountable for the choices he has. There isn't anything wrong with that. There is no room for a martyr in this and that's not healthy. I'd give dear old dad ample opportunity to tell the 27 year old son and if he didn't, I would. That's reasonable and appropriate. Don't make my mistake. It will backfire big time. On last thing. Do remember we are all IN THIS PAIN because somebody kept secrets from us and or lied. To repeat that behavior is just a jaw dropper to me.  I agree 100% with everything Vnadin said.

Ynadin,
I only have a quick second to respond right now, but I know you just registered, but already you are providing a valuable voice. Stay and continue to do so.

All,
  I appreciate your willingness to educate and engage with me, even in strong and passionate ways and terms.
 Judy and Sham, I have heard and filed away what you said about your experiences telling your own children.  What you say makes good sense to me, and I had not considered it.  It's also no doubt true that not telling my son is a self destructive strategy that allows me to stay where I am, in the marriage.  I get that now, and I'll have to face that.
 No doubt there's much I haven't yet considered, and much I haven't yet experienced.  That's why I'm here--to hear you and learn from you.  No doubt also that given where I am in this process--18 months into the "trans reveal" but many years into a marriage with a man who has never been a full partner in too many ways--I will undoubtedly push back with my own delusions and ignorance, in order to protect them and myself from hearing and seeing what will make me uncomfortable or force me forward.  I know that.  That's part of the reason I signed in here, the others being to educate myself on the progression of CD/TG as others have experienced it, to get advice on what financial and legal steps to take from those who have done it, and to get a little support from those who've ridden in the same leaky vessel, bailing away until their arms were too heavy to lift and they knew they needed to trust their life jackets and abandon ship. 
  My marriage has been terrible for years, and I have been torn between a desire to leave and a desire to stay--for my kid, for the financial stability, for the good moments, because I believed that I was unlovable in and of myself and only insofar as I was in service to others. That I was too chicken to leave is a fair accusation and one I've leveled at myself.  I am now trying to put myself back where I was when in the first months of the aftermath of the trans reveal I understood his TG was the final (and welcome) blow, the one I needed so I could leave without my having to feel that I'd failed.  
  And I know that all his "I need you" or "I love you" since that trans reveal comes out of the selfish desire to protect his own need and my ability to gratify it.  That's the calculus that drives him and that is behind every act that might otherwise be interpreted as a move demonstrating his commitment to show he has understood that he needs to change his ways and be a good partner.  So, for example, last year and this, he's wanted to do something for me and with me for my birthday, when for years before that, a card on the day itself wasn't even a certainty. The temptation is really strong to believe he is finally trying to be a good partner, but the reality is that he's willing to extend himself to protect the arrangement that gives him such satisfaction. (Yet even now, he won't do the actual work of thinking about what I might enjoy--he asked me, transferring to me that work--and yes, he'd say "My asking you what you want show that I want to do what would give you pleasure."  Well, what would give me pleasure is that you could extend yourself so far that you might actually know what would give me pleasure, and arrange for it.)
    And I can now hear many of you thinking, "If you know what he's doing then why are you allowing this?!?!!!" It's a fair question, and I have to try to assess how much of my answer comes from a hard-headed and clear vision of what I need and how much from my own chickenshit weaknesses.  How much am I gaming myself in telling myself I can stay as long as I get what I need, not out of the relationship, but out of living in the same house for another two years?  Some, definitely. Financially, it's smart: we've paid the house off; I've just bought a new car that will be paid off; I have only those two years until I retire and plan to move back to the region of the country where I grew  up, and I'm saving money in an own account of my own to which he does not have access while still working full time to help defray the costs of that move and settling in.  I plan to make that move without him.  (I'm not hiding money from him, by the way; to get him to agree to this plan of action, one that protects my future, I said he should save the same amount in his own account, and he is.) Sham, I really appreciate your saying I shouldn't feel guilty about keeping my plans secret, because once I do go public I can expect him to go on the offensive.  What a turnaround that will be, and I will contrast it to his eagerness when last summer in the early flush of the "pink fog" brought on by his full blown experimentation--with me aiding and abetting and focusing less on my discomfort than on the sexual thrill of gender bending and a husband so seemingly eager to please me--he declared how in love with me he was and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me (when for the past two years of his secret explorations he could barely bring himself to grunt good morning to me) and I should buy the house I wanted in the place I wanted to retire.  Rhapsodies of love so over the top that even then I didn't trust them.  So it's not as if I've been completely drawn in; it's just that I think I've told myself I was more self aware and self protective than I really have been. And that is one scary thought, because now I have to have a serious accounting with myself.