So sorry your here but you'll get lots of opinions.

My opinion as a guy is its not normal...I have zero interest in watching naked men.  Zero.

The secrets being kept from you will knaw at you in time also..  be compassionate to yourself..take small steps to gather strength.

Thank you both for taking the time to reply.  I think in my head I've known for awhile but he seems to be a master at making me question myself and then to have this friend respond the way he did made me question if I'm overreacting.   He puts on a good show and everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage.  I don't know why I care so much what everyone will think when I end the marriage but I have a hard time with the thought of my family and church telling me that I didn't try hard enough or fight hard enough.  And then there are my children.  How do I explain it to them.  I don't think he will every admit it.  This just sucks

Hi, Bec.  Sorry you find the need to be here, but I'm glad you found us.

What I have to say is very straight-forward: Straight men don't watch other men masturbate and "provide encouragement".  The rest of what I have to say is going to sound very preachy, but it's who I am.  Anyone serious about their relationship doesn't encourage their spouse to "explore" their sexuality outside of with THEM.  It serves no purpose.  Sex life was created by God for the purpose (outside of procreation) to draw the two of you together emotionally and physically.  It's supposed to be used only within the constraints of marriage.  Which means that no sexual exploration should be going on outside of the marital relationship.  That defeats the purpose of what it was created for.

That being said, porn in general is a harmful thing.  I wish more women (in particular) had the courage to tell their spouse that it's NOT okay with them that he's looking at other people's bodies for sexual gratification.  There are those that say it means nothing.  Then PROVE it - stop doing it.  If they cling to their rights to look at other people's bodies, it means that they're fighting for their own gratification over the health of their relationship.  My current husband and I had this issue at the very beginning of our relationship.  I kept finding porn on his laptop, and he'd say that it was part of his daily viewing.  Check the sports scores, check the lotto numbers, watch a few porn videos.  His argument was that all men do it.  Or that it means nothing - he's not fantasizing himself with these women.  Or my personal favorite: I'm getting ideas for our sex life (great - you've never seen a blow job before???).  I could NOT get through to him about why this was so hurtful to him.  I'd say that it made me feel inadequate - that he needs to see other women.  He'd tell me not to feel that way.  I'd say "aren't I enough for you?", and he'd say "Of course!".  The ONLY thing that worked was me standing my ground and saying, "Cool, okay.  If a body is only a body, then I can feel free to go ahead and start sharing pics of MINE on the 'net?"  HALE NO!  No, my body was "his".  "FINE - then your freaking eyeballs are MINE".  My body is only seen naked by you, and you only see MY body naked.  GOT it?  Got it.

We'd have no need to argue about content of said porn if it was all off-limits.  Seriously - think about it.

Kel

Definitely not saying that a lack of porn will make for a healthy marriage.  It's just that I believe that looking for sexual satisfaction outside the marriage will always be harmful - even if the other part doesn't know it.