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September 28, 2020 2:45 pm  #11


Re: Having a rough day

stevo wrote:

...........  I am no longer in love with my wife, but I sill love her dearly. Trying to adjust and adapt to my new unwanted reality , it is very difficult to say the least. I need to settle my mind ,heart and soul. Not sure how I can do this given the situation i"m in. i just needed to vent as my mind has been working overtime lately. Any advice or input would be more than welcome

 

I feel your pain Stevo. My partner and I have been together forever (this is our 36th year) and I think you're not far enough into this storm to be confident enough and mentally and emotionally strong enough to be able to see your future will be different.

​I took 3 almost 4 years to come to grips with my new reality,  Like you I believed I'd be with him forever and nothing would change the base rock of us. The words he said "maybe one day be fucked by a man" and "I'll never tell you anything again" mean it will never be the same again. 
We haven't had sex for 9 months. I've told him I'm not interested, and he doesn't try to open a conversation about it ....the way I tried to get him to talk about what was going wrong with us. I got sick of trying to get him to talk and now I'm over it, But we made this partnership and I won't leave it til.....well, I'm not really sure what will tip the balance but since sex was the reason it changed, and it was him that changed it.....I'm thinking surely he'll get sick of not getting any.
But what if he is still getting it? What if he sees people within working hours...and is quite happy with the arrangement (I am quite happy with no sex) Does that mean I am in a dishonest MOM? 'screams yuck' 
But what if he's not? I can't ask him because he told me many lies but mostly it's because he won't look me in the eye. Phew! 

Elle

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 28, 2020 3:59 pm  #12


Re: Having a rough day

stevo wrote:

Dad1st. As much as this sucks, it's good to know i'm not alone. I like you had dreams and a sense of security in our marriage. I always thought i would be happy and KNOW that my son would grow up in a loving home with both parents present. Now that isn't looking like the case. It's heartbreaking. I would do about anything for my son, I don't think I could live like this long term( I doubt she is willing to either). 
Thank you Terracotta. My therapist and family have all told me the same, give yourself time,,,,I can envision happiness in my future, it's all i can do to hold my shit together in the meantime. I trusted her 100% prior to July12th, I feel like i'm looking at a stranger in my own home. 

I hear you Stevo... it really does help that you know you are not alone.

Something I learned in the last few weeks is you will not be a good father if you are constantly unhappy... you being happy as an individual is important for all other relationships. Don't say I have it figured out but I am on a journey to discover whats actually makes me happy outside of my relationship with my wife and kids... good luck man hang in there..

 

September 28, 2020 4:02 pm  #13


Re: Having a rough day

Thank you Ellexoh_nz.  My new limits are hugging and a kiss. My mom once told me " It takes two to tango" I agree it is way too early in this to clearly see what happens down the road. My LW said that her biggest fear is not having me in her life and losing the connection we have. I'm 51 years old, do I wish to remain celibate for the rest of my life? The bigger question is she? Open marriage is out of the question. I can't let her explore while i sit at home,,,no way. To me that is not a marriage. She said the other day, "Let's see where we are 6 months or a year down the road" This is the ultimate mind F$%K.  


You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
     Thread Starter
 

September 29, 2020 1:46 pm  #14


Re: Having a rough day

stevo wrote:

Thank you Ellexoh_nz.  ....... " It takes two to tango".........her biggest fear is not having me in her life and losing the connection we have............. do I wish to remain celibate for the rest of my life? The bigger question is she? Open marriage is out of the question. I can't let her explore while i sit at home,,,no way. To me that is not a marriage. She said the other day, "Let's see where we are 6 months or a year down the road" This is the ultimate mind F$%K.  

 

When there's an added sexual need in a partner  it's definitely not a tango, 3 into 2 just doesn't add up. When I'm away for, say, two weeks I come home and he says "it was boring without you here" I think "I bet you watched a lot of porn though"
You see, being a man he had this sexual need, he loved me but he was able to share that need with a man or woman and thought he was lucky to have a partner who let him have that kind of extra spice. And now things have changed in my corner, I can see the damage his desire to explore with other people has done to my self esteem and I no longer want that kind of r'ship. 
I'm quite happy to be celibate for the rest of my life because all the joy and passion, that molded the first 25 years of it has been smothered by what I see is his disregard for the One of Us that I believed nothing could ever break and his entitlement that he should be able to do as he liked. 
So yes....open r'ship is out of the question
The bigger question (for me) is how long will my partner be able to stuff down his desires, when it seems that need 
has ruled half of our life together. 

And is it fair that I ask him to..?

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 29, 2020 5:45 pm  #15


Re: Having a rough day

Thanks Ellexoh_nz. It so hard to see where things will be down the road. I don't want to lose what i have ,but is what I have enough to keep us together? We get along together so well,we both love our son,I'm not 100% sure where her head is, she may not know herself. I just gotta breath and take it one day at a time, some days it's take it one hour at a time. I keep telling myself that she will eventually want to explore,,,,,that will decide things rather quickly. FML.
stevo


You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
     Thread Starter
 

September 30, 2020 1:43 pm  #16


Re: Having a rough day

Stevo:  I'm sorry you are here dealing with all of this.  You will be able to rebuild, better than before.

One comment in your original post bothers me:  "She is my best friend and soulmate."  My advice is that you need to re-examine that.  Best friends and soulmates do not perpetrate deception of this magnitude for so long.

Consider your later comment:  "Well if she would have told me that she had an attraction to women before we got married, I would not have married her.  She kept that from me!"  Exactly.  She completely, totally hoodwinked you, and she even knew that she was hoodwinking you.  This is not the stuff of best friends and soulmates.

I say this not to totally piss you off, but to encourage you to consider distancing yourself from your wife now.  I think most of us straight spouses only start to discover the path to healing and a brighter future once we begin that emotional distancing and disconnection process.  As a fellow straight spouse told me:  "the first and most necessary step in healing a wound is to remove the blade that caused it."  

It's tough as hell, but it worked for me.
 

 

September 30, 2020 1:51 pm  #17


Re: Having a rough day

Stevo - that sense you have of not being able to decide what you have with your wife, yes that is part of the experience of a MOM.  I remember this time, years before I understood my ex was GID my mother was visiting and my ex had left the table and she said to me that it was like he would neither accept nor reject me.  Oh I was so grateful, yes, that is what it felt like.

when you say her exploration will decide things rather quickly - it's not going to change that two-step, it will still be up to you.

look at Coolmint's situation where his wife says I'm a lesbian we must separate and also says we must go to therapy to stay together.

a question it might be worth asking yourself is this - the concern I am feeling - does it go away when I talk with my wife only to resurface when I think about it alone again.  When we talk, if I stand back and think about what she is saying and the feelings she is conveying. - is she wanting me to feel guilty if I don't agree with her and making me feel good if I do agree.
 

 

September 30, 2020 6:25 pm  #18


Re: Having a rough day

Thank you Blue Bear and Lily.  Nothing is making a whole lot of sense to me right now. One thing I do know 100%, is the fact I will get through this and will be a better man for it. I said this to myself on July 12th and continue to say this on a daily basis.


You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
     Thread Starter
 

October 1, 2020 3:21 am  #19


Re: Having a rough day

Hi Everyone,
What stuns me about all these "reveals" is the shocking lack of remorse shown by the "outed" spouse ..my own situation included ( my husband also admitted knowing since aged 12 that he was attracted to men) He came out in March ,a similar pattern ensued with him - elation , confidence ,Im out and proud type of thing ,then a 4 month period of I think its called "Trauma bonding" with us as he wants to remain married and monogamous , now its just a damp squib- its like life goes on (he's very caught up in work,sports and children) and I look at him and think what was the POINT of all this shit ?
I was traumatised, then suffered a period of anxiety and reactive depression, he came out to ALL our friends , family and colleagues and FOR WHAT ? He's still living a lie by denying himself a relationship with a man  in my opinion and although he cried ONCE when I was hysterically crying , he never really apologised for the pain he caused me-it was all about him and HIS pain ,struggles etc etc 
I don't know ..in my own case I have to take it that he is faithful and committed to me and our marriage but I'm on my guard- 
Any spouse who says they are "unsure" "may be unfaithful" or are exploring" their new identity need to be shown the door -the selfishness is beyond belief in some of our stories, as CHUMP LADY (a must read blog) says cheating is cheating regardless  of with whom or what .!.
Its an interesting question-why bother coming out voluntarily unless you intend doing something about it ?
In my case I'm sick to death of discussing / disecting it with him but it does destroy trust/love the whole thing....and all for what ?

Last edited by Virion (October 1, 2020 3:24 am)

 

October 1, 2020 5:43 am  #20


Re: Having a rough day

"I don't know ..in my own case I have to take it that he is faithful and committed to me and our marriage but I'm on my guard- 
Any spouse who says they are "unsure" "may be unfaithful" or are exploring" their new identity need to be shown the door -the selfishness is beyond belief in some of our stories, as CHUMP LADY (a must read blog) says cheating is cheating regardless  of with whom or what .!.
Its an interesting question-why bother coming out voluntarily unless you intend doing something about it ?
In my case I'm sick to death of discussing / disecting it with him but it does destroy trust/love the whole thing....and all for what ?[/"quote]
Thank you Virion. The question, Why bother coming out voluntarily unless you intend doing something about it? I think deep down we know the answer to this. In many cases I'm sure the gay spouse has known about their true identity for a long time. They have had the time to prepare, to get their ducks in a row and Bam! I'll take this weight off my shoulders and put it on yours, F&^C you  very much! This is a scary, confusing and heart breaking time. 


You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
     Thread Starter
 

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