Cacaphony,
Is there any possibility of a depression or other mood disorder playing into this sudden change?

Idk why, but I developed PTSD,PPD and PPA after the birth of our kids and I want to hope that maybe that's a factor. I'm a military spouse, I absolutely completely get where you're coming from. I'm sorry you're here.

Hey everyone. Echo, yeah my poor wife has been through a LOT of trauma. One of her therapists said to her after reading a file on her that she commended her on being alive as most people that have been through what she has are, in her experience, dead or seriously addicted to drugs.

At this point I don't know what the future holds. We still care for each other and love one another but I don't know if going forward that will mean romantic love. We consider each other to be best friends as well. I'm not sure where she will go from here. She has just told me that she is queer and has struggled with this a long time and she doesn't know if she can just push that away. We are getting a small apartment very close by that we will stay at different times during the week so we can still support our kids. Deep down I hope this will reset our relationship and that we will still have a future together, but the pragmatist in me finds that pretty unlikely.

Thank you for the kinds words. I have a very supportive family but they live far away. I do have good friends but none where I currently live. Much of that is on me, as I am quite introverted and haven't made good attempts at making new friends due to the temporary stay here (well 4-5 years). I am working on trying to meet new people now, but obviously that is difficult during a pandemic.

I too am brand new. Two weeks ago I confronted my husband of 22 years, only to learn that he had been sleeping with men for 15 years. He's also recently HIV+ and a heavy meth user for the last 5 years. (We haven't had sex in more than 8 years.) First I have to get him into a rehab (he's been clean, I think, for two weeks. I'm looking at places that have an LGBTQ support program. He says he doesn't know what he wants, and I feel completely adrift, but I can't imagine myself alone. He thought I would throw him out if and when I ever learned the truth, so I don't think he contemplated our staying together. We have some serious financial issues and home repairs to sort out after the drug problem, so there is maybe some time for us to figure it out. I'd like to have counseling. I don't think I could do an open marriage. Any feedback or support is appreciated.
Thanks.
 

Hi:
Thanks for your question. He was raised Catholic, and we were married in the church. We are not religious now, but I assume there are some holdover effects. His mother is still very religious and he has spoken of not disappointing her.
He says that he doesn't know if he is gay or bi-sexual, that those are just "labels."
He said that he was always so certain that I would throw him out once I learned the truth, that he never considered that we could have a conversation about these things. I don't have a lot of details about the programs with the LGBTQ support groups (although we are working with someone who has placed other gay individuals in rehab, so she knows that is of interest). They certainly aren't groups that try to convince people that they are not gay, if that was your question. I don't know if other people in the drug program will be there in part because they question their sexual identity, but I expect that as professionals they will be able to deal with that aspect provided that my husband is forthcoming about it.
I agree that the staying together question is one for further down the line.
Thanks.

HD Mom wrote:

He says that he doesn't know if he is gay or bi-sexual, that those are just "labels."

It's true that are only labels, but it might well be he just says this to avoid confrontation with the reality, and that's not productive.

He said that he was always so certain that I would throw him out once I learned the truth, that he never considered that we could have a conversation about these things.

Well... love can do this. But in the long(er) run only a good thing to maintain if it comes from both sides equally, and that's beautiful. But it should not end up in one spouse sacrificing herself for the other, because that's just ugly.

They certainly aren't groups that try to convince people that they are not gay, if that was your question. 
I don't know if other people in the drug program will be there in part because they question their sexual identity, but I expect that as professionals they will be able to deal with that aspect provided that my husband is forthcoming about it.

I didn't assume it would be 'conversion therapy' or something. I mentioned religion because it can have a negative impact like guilt and shame, but religion can also have the opposite effect, like being accepted by God gives room to self acceptance. But from what you wrote, it's not that clear if either are really applicable to your husbands situation. 

I think the drugs abuse is only a symptom. So I do hope he doesn't hide/deny the trouble he has accepting his sexuality, which is probably the underlying cause of the problem (or at least part of it). This pattern is not uncommon. In theory the professionals will know this, but it's often a system and not that realy involved as it should be. In practise it's sensible for the persons involved (or around them) to keep an eye on this and to steer a bit in the right direction if needed. Maybe it's perfectly fine where your husband goes in rehab, but don't automaticaly rely too much on 'they are professionals' and will go that extra mile that is realy needed.

Last edited by Dutchman (September 15, 2020 11:10 am)