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1 of 1- PrivateGal
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I FINALLY did it but.........
DIVORCE........after two long, soul-wrenching years, I recently filed.
A lot of you won't know me because I haven't posted since the change over to the new forum but some of you "oldies" will. I needed to take a break from posting; it became too overwhelming.
The short version of my story is that my STBXGH in essence lied to me even before marriage over 40 years ago. He had sexual encounters with a relative (abuse) but also had an encounter with someone else after marriage. Male porn and all that goes with viewing it personally was discovered by me two years ago. He blames it all on the abuse, which I know is a horrible thing. But in my book, every time he looked at the porn was a betrayal to me and our marriage. This, going on behind my back for over 40 YEARS!!!
Sooo, not only am I dealing with the freshness of the D process, but also a broken heart over what this will do to grown children and young grandkids.
Both children have angrily attacked me because I chose not to agree to couples counseling and also say that biblically I should forgive and we should stay married. I never believed in divorce either, until my own nightmare began, but I truly believe I have biblical cause. I know they are acting out of anger and pain, but in addition to already feeling rejected by their father, I now also am devastated by their rejection and lack of support, even though they understand what he did was wrong and hurtful to me.
My fear is that unless I agree to couples counseling, they will always blame me for divorce, even though the reason for it is absolutely NOT my fault. QUESTION: do I agree to go (knowing it will not change my mind) so that they cannot hold it over my head for the rest of my life if I don't go? I don't think I could stand it if they did.
I value everyone's opinions and advice here as we all struggle through different stages of trauma and I wish you all well.
- Steve
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Re: I FINALLY did it but.........
Hey PrivateGal... I remember you 
I had the same issue only sort of in reverse. It was ME that insisted on the couples counseling even though my EX didn't want to go.
For me it was a case of not wanting to leave a single stone unturned in trying to save the marriage. SHE on the other hand had already made her mind up. She wanted out. So... Of course it was a waste of time. In fact the counsellor said "You're wasting your time". But... At least I'd ticked a box and didn't have to live with the thought "Jeez... If only we'd tried counseling"
So... maybe that's it. Maybe your family is trying to tick a box. It's ENTIRELY up to you. No one can make you go. If you do go you just tell the truth. As far as you're concerned the marriage is over. You don't have to pretend it's not over. You don't have to pretend you're there to save it. You're there to listen to what they have to say but it's highly unlikely you'll change your mind. That's what my ex did. That's why we only had a couple of sessions and then I started individual counselling.
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- PrivateGal
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Re: I FINALLY did it but.........
Thanks, Steve. It's helpful to hear wisdom from a more experienced traveler. Your perspective about "ticking that box" for my family does make sense, even though it will give them hope, only to be disappointed again.
By the way. I like your byline at the bottom of your posts.
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Thread Starter- Sue
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Re: I FINALLY did it but.........
I'm so sorry your adult children are reacting this way. It's completely unfair. No amount of joint counseling is going to make your STBX straight.
I'm sure they're acting out of their own pain and confusion.
I wish Lake Breeze was on here more -- she has experienced similar issues.
I hope things get better for you soon. Be proud of yourself, your new life is just beginning.
"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
- Dee
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Re: I FINALLY did it but.........
First off, congrats on moving forward with a plan. Your kids sound like they are grieving and right now they are at the anger stage, and like you said, are holding onto a glimmer of hope that counseling will change your mind, his sexuality, or the damage that was done as a result of him not being honest with himself or you. It's really a decision for you to make. The collateral damage that is done in these situations is mind numbing. Good luck.
- Rob
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Re: I FINALLY did it but.........
My lezex did not want the marriage anymore. Having known her for so long I knew there no chance she would go to any counseling with me. To do so would admit she did something wrong which she would never do. In fact she thought in the therapy I was going to they would tell me what I did wrong.
There I was shaking with grief and trauma of betrayal and she was as happy as could be..
Do what is right...one can feel in their bone when it is over.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- PrivateGal
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Re: I FINALLY did it but.........
Thank you all for your replies and support.
Those of you who suggested I agree to couples counseling, and the reasons behind your suggestions, resonate with me as well. I have since talked with my counselor and a very close friend who knows my situation and they both advised me to do the same thing. Whether it changes anything on my part or not, my children will see that I was willing to try, and hopefully our relationships can be mended.
The journey which none of chose or deserve blame for is filled with boulders that we try to avoid but sometimes they try to smash us anyway.
Thanks for sticking with and guiding me!
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Thread Starter- Melissa
- Unregistered
Re: I FINALLY did it but.........
I'm so sorry, privategal. It's cruel and unfair and heartless for anyone to wish you would stay with a liar and someone who doesn't even desire your gender. It's absurd. I hope they come to their senses. As someone from a very religious upbringing, I've come across some people who think it's best and most Godly to stay in a sick, abusive situation. That is not from God, that's for sure. It's kind of a cult mentality, rooted in patriarchy. Hang in there. I'm so sorry for your added pain with your children pressuring you to sacrifice your soul and put your health at risk and stay wig him. Stay strong!