Julian_Stone wrote:

Maybe I'm misunderstanding things...but Guy didn't come here looking for advice on how to make a MOM work. 

It's not about making a MOM work. (at least that's not my interpretation, it's not the question at hand)
My impression is that it's about the chaotic situation that arises when a woman discovers she is lesbian (after 20 years of marriage not knowing that fact) and falling in love with a woman, experiencing all kind of new feelings.
This all happened very recent (the actually coming-out as lesbian just one day before the opening post) and is emotionally overwhelming. 
Whether the marriage could/should ultimately continue is not something to be answered now. 

It's important to realize the inner commotion his wife experiences at the moment, IMO she probably isn't in a state to make very rational decisions or act responsibly. 

He's accepted that his wife is gay & wants to be with women. They've cried about it; they've unpacked what that means in counseling... He's grieved the marriage. 

It would be pretty fast if the've done all that in one day. 

She is actively pursuing other women. 

She is on an emotional high with her new discovery, and he seems to be allowing it all to just happen (aka "being supportive"). This way they won't get any chance to have rational conversations about their options and possibilities.

I understand there are many reasons that couples who find themselves in this situation try to make it work: Age, health, financial, children, Platonic love, etc...but it's not typically the default response...and the success rate (specifically with a gay/straight spouse) is not great.

Either way, it's something you have to think and decide about rationally, not in a state of ecstasy and emotional high on one side, and a state of depressed litany on the other side.
The situation has to become somewhat normalized, so it can be thought over in a responsible way. It's about 20 years of marriage and there is a young child involved. 

Guy is only 38 years old. He has many more years to find and experience deep romantic love with another...without that intimacy "barrier" he felt for 20 years. So many here have gone on to find it (and shared their stories here.) 

It very much depends on the love that exists between them. If it's not that much or is one-sided, well... better to move on. If love is strong from both sides, it's a totally different story.

Thank you, Whirlgig.  I'm not sure if it is light at the end of the tunnel, or stray light from a random shaft into the tunnel, but I am doing okay, thank you.  Socializing is not quite on the radar yet, but at least I am busy and working again.  That certainly helps.  I appreciate your care and your input.

Hi Guy, must say first it is good to know I am not the only one in a very similar situation. Good luck hang in there and be kind to yourself. I am still working on wording my situation and sharing.

After reading up on this subject I have noticed a trend which should be the subject of scientific and psychological discourse  This seems to apply mainly to the closet lesbian more than a gay man. 

It would make sense that in the unconscious mind that two contradicting needs are battling against each other. First, there is a same sex attraction that is clear and evident but suppressed in order to increase the biological need to put genetic material forward into the next generation. If the second fundamental need outweighs the first, then the same sex desire can be repressed. When the biological need to reproduce has been met, then the same sex need for companionship and/or sexual gratification then manifests. This becomes the selfish unconscious need that must be satisfied in order to reach a state of self actualisation.
 It is estimated that up to 10% of the world population has same sex attraction of some sort, with only 2.5% being open about it. This suggests also that the “Straight Spouse”  issue is far larger than we believe. The act of living in a closet with an individual (whether through choice or not) actually represents a “cage” for the straight spouse. The bars of which are made of prejudice and shame for both the gay and straight spouse. Would any straight spouse enter into a relationship with a gay partner when their own reproductive and sexual desires were at stake? No, I don’t think any rational person would. Therefore, deception would be the only recourse open to a gay individual whether that was perpetrated by design or not. The birth of a child could act as a trigger for formally repressed desires to enter the conscious mind, only for the straight spouse to be left “holding the baby” so to speak. This is because as a society we are conditioned to support the bravery of the gay spouse to break free of the shackles of a heteronormative world. But wait, hang on a second.

“What about the straight spouse in all of this?”
”I don’t know, where are they anyway?’
“They are over there crying in agony because their lives and futures have ended while another’s has exploded into a bright rainbow future”

There needs to be firm and concerted effort by mental health professionals to specialise in the treatment and understanding of the straight spouse’s particularly insidious form of grief. Your partner has died, and yet still walks and talks and laughs like never before. Their future is full of joy and hope. It is after all, not just a rejection of the personality as is common in many separations but a complete rejection of the person as a whole.

Simple fact of life is this:

No one in their right mind would castigate the gay spouse for coming out. That would be taken as being homophobic on some level and result in social death. It is far easier to look at the heterosexual spouse for an explanation.
But we don’t really have one, do we? We just want to be heard and noticed, and a hug wouldn’t go amiss.

Last edited by Ordinary guy (June 30, 2021 8:31 am)

Daryl wrote:

I have no doubt that significant life events can trigger a change like this. Child-birth or just afterwards, kids entering adulthood, a milestone birthday, the death of parents, and so on. So many histories told here seem to have something like this in the timeline as a point when something changed.

You are dead on Daryl. When I consider the old “how didn’t I know?” Question, I go back to the red flag indicators. I have gone back in time to 30 years ago to look at all of the things from our past that often led me to adopt the old quizzical look. Some of them seem perfectly understandable now with that I am armed with a new perspective. Even if the partner was not conscious of any of it at the time, perhaps better observation on or around these life events would have provided valuable insight.  I watched a video with Amity on Youtube, in which she said that there are an estimated two million MOM in the US alone. Of these, some will be entered into knowingly but a great number will be dormant bombs waiting for the right life event to trigger detonation. Major life events cause natural introspection in everyone. They can shift your goals and cause you to change your view on life whether gay or straight. If you have a previously unknown skeleton in your cupboard, it would use one of these opportunities to clatter into reality. You know what would be a good idea. Let the straight spouses have their day of honesty. The last day of pride month should become the day of honesty in relationships. A day when any closeted individual, or one in denial can ask themselves if they are truly being who they are while in a heterosexual relationship. Putting this issue into public consciousness may save some from becoming statistical collateral damage from the inevitable future detonation in a relationship. That is exactly how we are viewed at the moment, necessary collateral damage.

4880 days...

Last edited by Ordinary guy (July 7, 2021 7:34 am)