Horsedogmom wrote:

Thanks. I feel like I'm pushing the resentment down for the moment and it will bowl me over once he leaves for rehab. I already feel some cracks in my composure. I can't decide if I'm just crazy to even want to try to make it work or not. Questions for therapists...

 

While he's in rehab may be a good time to think about this more yes?
How long will his rehab be for, and I'm not sure if you've said but do 
you have any children?

Elle
 

Hdmom,

Hi and like everyone has said, welcome & sorry you qualify for being here.

I started my journey with my husband’s bisexuality March, 2018. Long story short, I had to find out by searching internet, phone & AT&T records. I had his permission (It was after finding something). And, I found porn, dating sites, emails to men, etc. For 1 1/4 yrs he kept denying he had sex with any of them, even though there were a lot. June 1, 2019, I finally found something he couldn’t be out of and admitted to ONE man he had sex with for 2 yrs. Met at local porn video store & had oral sex in the little dirty back rooms. It was only sexual. He’s not interested in an emotional relationship with a man at all. He didn’t even know his last name. We started reconciliation, and he when confronted with realizing I was going through with a polygraph, he admitted to many more NOv 24, 2019. In fact, he’s been having sex with men since Boy Scouts. ...all through girl friends..with no one finding out until me. He just thought he could keep it up & no one would find out. I was completely devastated . I had been married before for 32 years & my husband passed away 2 weeks after I turned 50. I’m ill &wasn’t going to even date again. But, a good friend invited the two of us over & we started talking & never quit. (We dated twice in high school. He was known as a guy who only wanted sex..... interesting now)
Well, it’s been hard....OH, and he was addicted to crack for many years. When we got together, he had been clean for 3 1/2 yrs. He had lived a life of sex & Partying as a bachelor for 53 yrs. He went to rehab for 6 months (it was that or state jail. He had 3 felonies). It worked! He got serious about it, so he’s been clean for over 20 yrs. ......So, it even made me more upset that he did this clean & sober. He KNEW what I expected in a monogamous marriage, but as he said early on :”I had different ideas”. In other words, he completely disrespected mine.....but,...
So, we’ve decided to stay together, too. It’s been hard, but we’re getting better now. It’s been the ‘roller coaster’ they talk about . Big LOWS & small highs.....back to back, but we’re hanging in there.
I, too, want a monogamous marriage, and will not do it any other way. Period. He would like it open (of course, as he said in one of our after-affair worksheets: he had the “best of both worlds”), but I told him I just can not do it. I married him & him only. In fact, knowing just how strongly I feel about it, I told him I thought it was lack of respect to have had sex behind my back all those years and then have the nerve to ask to do it with my permission.
I’ve seen couples do it just fine. But BOTH have to want it. Too many wives  ‘give in’ to make their husband’s happy, or fulfill their urges/needs. These women turn out miserable.  I ask, if he was interested in women, would you open your marriage for that?  Most would say ‘no way!’. That’s just my thought on the subject. Since you said you didn’t think you could do an open marriage, just thought I’d chime in ;).
Best of luck to you both. Remember, you don’t have to make decisions now. I always said if my husband cheated on me, that was IT. No 2nd chances, and I stayed & stayed. When it happened, it just wasn’t a time to make a big decision. 
Keep us posted, please.

My husband asked if he could be the one to tell them. I figured we'd do that once the rehab details were in place (I hoped they would be in place by now). My oldest is off at college, so if we wanted to tell them together, we'd need to have a Zoom call...