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September 4, 2020 2:18 pm  #1


Rather sit in the bathroom than have sex...explain pls...is he gay?

I'm new here and was referred by my best friend. After reading some posts, I'm concluding my ex is gay. Wow.

I was with my now ex-husband for 37 years. We dated with him behaving what I thought was "normally" from 17 to marriage at 21. Then things changed completely.

He would not have sex with me on our wedding night. Then he was never interested in sex or intimacy. No spontaneous hugs or kisses. No desire or seeming attraction. Never placed his hands on me for any reason. Would not even hold my hand. He was angry at me quite a bit; always something I did to "exhaust him" like ask if he wanted to go out for ice cream. He had repeated 3-5 year dry spells when he would not have sex. He was always irritated with me if I wanted to talk about it. When we did have sex, he would go to the bathroom and come out with an erection.  He was like a robot: always coldly watching me for reactions, never appearing to enjoy. Many times he could not climax. It was always "my fault."

He sat in the bathroom for hours and many times needed to go urgently. I thought it was odd and never knew why. He always spoke very lovingly with a soft kind of look on his face to his boss Dan on the phone. We even moved to NYC so he and Dan could work in the same office. I had to homeschool my two kids and basically act as his servant. He would go out with Dan, but never with me. Had sex with my once in three years while we were there. They traveled together endlessly for work. Dan wanted him with him ALWAYS. One time I heard Dan sing to my ex-husband on the phone. My ex husband LOVED it, grinning and blushing (he didn't know my daughter and I could hear.) I felt disgusted without knowing exactly why. When I said I couldn't take his neglect and rage, and would do anything (counseling, see the doctor, whatever) he said: I'm not going to change. He left right before Valentines Day 2019. 

I KNOW now, after much anguish and therapy, that he was a narcissist. Whether he planned it or it was just sociopathic instinct, he was VERY emotionally abusive to me and the kids. After telling them the details about my married life, my best friend,  my ex's step-sister and my Mom and Dad now all think that he must also be GID. Its so painful that he would use me this way, but I think they may be right. He always treated me and the kids like "props" in a play. There was always something so fake about how he reacted to us. Taking all this in and understanding it is EXHAUSTING. I was so gullible and willing to accept his ridiculous behavior.  I don't even know what the bathroom thing means, but several posts have mentioned it...he spent hours in the bathroom every day. Do you think he's gay?

Last edited by Cindy (September 4, 2020 2:21 pm)

 

September 4, 2020 6:45 pm  #2


Re: Rather sit in the bathroom than have sex...explain pls...is he gay?

Hi Cindy,

yes he sounds gay to me.  he shares a number of characteristics with my GIDXH - no sex on wedding night, lack of handholding, irritation and coldness, etc.

Based on those similarities and reading between the lines you have written I think he could be a submissive gay and his boss the dominant one.  

I was with my ex for a similar amount of time, then I realised he was GID and then I spent the next 18 months getting away from him, he didn't want to go so in that you are lucky.  I've had 7 years in my own home now, I feel enormously better for it.

Be gentle with yourself, it is exhausting the recognition he is gay has such a huge impact on your map of the past as well as your present.  Swimming, lots of swimming, going for walks and taking a rest curled up on my bed in the afternoon were all really helpful as I went through the initial absorbing of the information.  all things that set your body and mind into a rhythm of left to right.  and the cleansing feel of the water.  oh that's good, isn't it.  I couldn't get enough of it in the early days and just stood under the shower for the feel of it.

It all hit me at once, come to think of it, the selfishness, the emotional abuse, the lack of love, the total using of me.  During a couple of weeks while we talked about it, ie him being gay, I saw how his face went all pink thinking about a man from his past and over a period of a few days I could see how in every way he did have real feelings just like me, it was deliberate the way he kept them hidden from me - he'd kept himself hidden and got what he wanted from me, played me for a fool, how, because I loved him - but love rules.  I don't think about him much at all these days, and when I do it's not long before I just end up thinking I'm glad I'm living with me!

all the best, Lily



 

 

September 4, 2020 9:33 pm  #3


Re: Rather sit in the bathroom than have sex...explain pls...is he gay?

Hi Lily,

Thanks for your advice about the self-care. I really need it. I'm still so demoralized that he would, as you said, '"play me for a fool." I truly loved him and encouraged/supported him for the majority of my life. In the last week I've finally gotten to the point of not thinking about him. Feels strange when he required that I care about everything HIM down to the texture of the socks I bought him and the way his undershirt armholes felt. I want to get to the place where I feel happy and content. You give me hope for that.

Thanks for your reply, Cindy

     Thread Starter
 

September 5, 2020 10:05 am  #4


Re: Rather sit in the bathroom than have sex...explain pls...is he gay?

Hello Cindy,

I, too, had a long term marriage (20 yrs) to a GIDH.  I believe he conned me into marriage by being the perfect boyfriend & fiancé for 4 years. I, too, saw his true self after the marriage-no sex on the honeymoon, lack of desire, more time than normal spent behind a locked bathroom door, abusive.

Thank goodness you are no longer married & don’t think about him much. He’s not worth it. I would suggest think about him only to get the anger & hurt he caused out of your system.

I echo Lily’s smart suggestions for self-care. We need joy and hope in our lives to move forward. These ex(spouses) tried to selfishly snuff them out to keep a secretive gay sex life.

It will be close to four years since the divorce was final. My only regret was not divorcing this gay man sooner.

Take care & hope all goes well for you!


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 5, 2020 5:06 pm  #5


Re: Rather sit in the bathroom than have sex...explain pls...is he gay?

MJM017 its both heartening and disappointing that you had the exact experiences with your GIDH that I had with mine. Its good to be validated and not think you're crazy. So lonely and painful to have lived it though. You are absolutely right about needing joy and hope to move forward. These have been sorely lacking for me. My GIDH's secretive gay identity nearly destroyed me. I also wish I had left years ago. I'm free now though. It may take some time to recover, Cindy
 

     Thread Starter
 

September 6, 2020 3:43 pm  #6


Re: Rather sit in the bathroom than have sex...explain pls...is he gay?

I also started this part of my post-divorce healing after the fact. This is the last piece of it.  The abuse was the deciding factor for leaving.

I am from San Francisco. We met, married, lived & divorced here. I am not saying this to show off (only recently have we become the hot city de jour), but to offer a unique perspective about LGBTQI+. It’s in the open here & accepted.  I’ve seen it all my life & no shock to see a MTF, FTM, Dyke, two women holding hands/kissing, etc.  It’s a meh. This community has to hide/be cautious elsewhere in the US, excluding liberal gay meccas (Provincetown, Fire Island, Key West, Manhattan, etc.)

It’s hard to believe anyone would  be in the closet here. I went back & forth during the marriage about because of that. Therapists didn’t think he was.  It struck me as a fact after he died 2.5 yrs ago.

I have received a lot of knowledge & support at this site on the minute details of his manipulation & gaslighting of me to stay in the closet. It’s been a life saver.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 6, 2020 8:44 pm  #7


Re: Rather sit in the bathroom than have sex...explain pls...is he gay?

yeah really, MJM, mine did the same - he was living in Kings Cross, the place where the first Mardi Gras was held.  

not innocent, not ignorant and not being pushed - it was a lifestyle choice.

 

September 6, 2020 11:39 pm  #8


Re: Rather sit in the bathroom than have sex...explain pls...is he gay?

I googled & saw that’s considered a gay pride parade in Australia. Wow. Had no idea he was from there. Yes, it’s a choice to trick someone like we were tricked.

He’s gone, so don’t know if he wanted to be a woman or burned his bridges in the gay community with his abhorrent  behavior. His family lived far away  in another region. They would have accepted him being a lifelong “bachelor.”  They would not have accepted him transitioning. I can go around and around with this. The only fact I know is he was sexually attracted to cross-dressing men.

Last edited by MJM017 (September 6, 2020 11:40 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 7, 2020 12:48 pm  #9


Re: Rather sit in the bathroom than have sex...explain pls...is he gay?

People who lie about who they are and use spouses and kids as "props" to convince others are despicable. I am sorry for your pain Lily and MJM. WHY LIE? It seems like narcissistic sadism is the root. These GIDHs seemed to believe they were more important than we were. Our lives could be used for their purposes. Maybe they even enjoyed using us. My ex-husband seemed to take some pleasure in making others nervous and unhappy, me & the kids included. 
 

     Thread Starter
 

September 7, 2020 3:12 pm  #10


Re: Rather sit in the bathroom than have sex...explain pls...is he gay?

oh okay what I meant was the first gay pride parade, it was called the Gay Mardi Gras and it started here in Australia - Kings Cross is a central suburb in Sydney - and it has happened every year since, bigger and bigger.  

yes the icing on the cake - he enjoyed tricking me.  When he couldn't trick me any more he went into withdrawals.  He took to baiting telemarketers, trying to trick them into believing he would buy their product, he took great pleasure in this, boasting to me that he had kept one on the line for 45 minutes.  45 minutes?  who wants to do that!  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

 

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