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September 4, 2020 11:09 pm  #1

The Unbelievable Happened

I can’t believe my GID husband finally broke down and confessed everything to me. I never thought in a million years I would get a confession. The circle was closing in and he knew he had to come clean. He wanted to talk to me in person and when I went back to our house, I found a broken, shameful man.
He had been so mean by blaming me for being the problem in the relationship. My pride. He’d go on and on like a broken record about my pride and that it turns him off. Very hurtful but I always knew that there was more to his story. You may have read some other posts of mine when I first discovered what he was doing. I used a GPS tracker on his car.
Since he could never have a civil conversation about our marriage, I suggested we use a Google spreadsheet to communicate. I know, how incredibly sad that a husband and wife need to use a Google doc to communicate...because he can’t control his emotions and have a normal conversation.
4 columns. 1. Issues/Problems 2. Thoughts 3. Feelings 4. Feedback
It took only the 2 issue that I got him. I was laying the foundation for my case and he couldn’t take any more guilt and sneaking around I guess. Plus, I told him that I know a lot more than he thinks I do so to just come clean.

He confessed to: cruising parks, receiving oral sex only (he claims he’s never had sex and he never reciprocates oral sex, showing off in steam rooms, gay beaches, sex with 1 woman, although her boyfriend and his friend were somehow there. He says that he actually got charged a few years ago in a park and he had to go to court and pay a $500 fine. He says he doesn’t know the charge. Yeah right. At first he was terrified and humiliated but eventually he went back doing the same thing all over again. He has also gone to sex shops to use ‘glory holes’. He has that creepy friend that I don’t like, both men 55+ and the two of them fool around like little boys by the sounds of it.
He doesn’t think he’s gay, it makes him sick to think of kissing a man or having sex with one (although I found a douche) He says that he’s confused and that it’s up to the experts to figure it out. I think he threw in sex with a woman to not make it all sound homosexual. He says he watches a ‘variety of porn’.
I believe this is the tip of the iceberg and that part of what he says are semi-truths.
He says he wants to go to counselling (the millionth promise of that) and that he is afraid of God’s wrath because he is a Christian. He says God is speaking to him...

It was incredible to see and hear all of this on Monday night. I left him in May because I knew all about this.
Finally getting the validation was AMAZING. I really, really needed that. I couldn’t accept that he was blaming me and slowly but surely wore him down.

He apologized many times. He says he doesn’t deserve me, he’s a monster and I have every right to get a divorce because of his actions and infidelity. He said I’m amazing, and he couldn’t believe that I was so calm and supportive. I said that I already knew what was going on and so none of it, except the charges and sex with a woman, really shocked me.

This is a giant step in the right direction. I told him that I will support him in counselling and also attend a few sessions so that I can have more understanding. His confusion and all the horrific behaviour is his own mess to clean up. I’m not going to be involved in that. I’ve been in my own psychotherapy for months because of the toll this has all taken on me. I’ve been working and travelling on business quite a bit. Life goes on and it’s been a healthy distraction to the pathetic state of my marriage with him. My policy is to never miss work for men....the ups and downs of their immature/immoral conduct in relationships.

Even after all that he disclosed and how much he hurt me, I told him that I loved him no matter what. My love hasn’t changed because of these actions. It’s unconditional and it always will be.  I am able to say that because he’s finally being honest...well to some degree.

Our future relationship (whether we can be minimally in each other’s lives) depends on whether he gets help or not. I’ve decided to give him about 10 days to get counselling in place. He also is a heavy pot smoker so he needs help there as well.
If I don’t see action in the very near future then he will lose me in every way. I’m willing to support him because he has no one that really cares about him. His family are all on the other side of the country and they don’t know anything.

I think he has also done the best thing, in confessing, to help us both heal from this nightmare. I also want to get understanding of what really happened the last five years of my life.
I’m cautious, very cautious. I know this is not the full honest truth of his secret life. The stories are not all believable but it’s a huge start. It has been very painful to hear these confessions but I can’t describe how much better it feels knowing that I wasn’t going crazy.
It was a gift to hear the words ‘I’m so sorry for hurting you’....and it’s still shocking that he told me everything he did.
I wonder if anyone has been through this and if you have any advice for the next steps?
I feel like I should be punishing him and cutting him off completely but at the same time I have empathy and gratitude that he finally shared with me his transgressions and shame, and for that I want to acknowledge that it was the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life.

Whew...I can finally breathe...I needed his confession so much...


September 5, 2020 8:25 am  #2

Re: The Unbelievable Happened

Wow.  Your relief is palpable in your last line.  I can feel the exhale.   I'm glad you got the acknowledgement you craved and the apology you deserved. 
Here's my advice for your next step: watch very carefully his behavior, to ensure it matches his words of apology.  His attitude and behavior during your discussions over divorce and the separation of assets will tell you a lot.


September 5, 2020 10:19 am  #3

Re: The Unbelievable Happened

Wow, simpatica! It’s a relief to get validation like that.

My suggestion would be to watch for a rollback of this confession - he felt coerced by you, you changed from the loving kind woman he married - the usual blame shifting so he can shut that closet door.

Also, would suggest you get a copy of that arrest record for your files. I don’t believe you are in the US. In my state of California, it’s possible to find these arrest records if you have their Social Security Number & the county in which the arrest occurred. Gay sex is not illegal in western democracies. It could have been lewd acts in public or part of a police sting operation to catch Johns & adult or under 18 prostitutes.

Watch out for your self-interests. As you wisely know,  is not incompatible with loving your husband unconditionally. Best of luck to you!

Last edited by MJM017 (September 5, 2020 10:41 am)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

October 5, 2020 9:47 am  #4

Re: The Unbelievable Happened

Hi. I have a question. I found Poppers in my husbands bag. I asked him what it was and he said it gives him more of a high when he is masturbating.  Is this not an illegal drug? He has never taken drugs except pot in high school. WTF?!?!


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