My husband told me he's bisexual a little over a year ago (9 years & one 3-year-old child into our relationship).

It's stories like yours (which are far too easy to find, sadly) that give me tremendous anxiety. While I'm happy a little weight was lifted off his shoulders (at least, I think it has), it's definitely taken a toll on my mental health to the point that I sometimes wish he would have come out as gay instead. (I know that's horrible...and I know there are many on here that would have given anything for their spouse to have come out as bi instead of gay...so I feel horrible for saying/thinking that).

When I would read stories about married celebrities "coming out," there was always a part of me that thought: "How could she not have known?" Reading the stories here (and in other forums), I now often think "Why would she have ever suspected he's non-straight?" Many of the straight spouses have children and (had) active sex lives, so how would they have known without finding evidence of some sort? I certainly had zero clues about my husband's same-sex attraction. In couples therapy, he said he'd been unhappy for 6 (!!) years...and that he was going to ask for a separation years ago. Six years ago, we were childless, carefree, traveled often, and went to hotels on weekends just for fun. I would have been just as blindsided then as I was the night the bi bomb dropped.

My point is: I think our spouses become expert performance artists (naturally...because they've felt like they've had to hide a part of their identity their whole lives). And from my reading of others' experiences (particularly on subreddits geared toward bisexual men), it seems like the same-sex attraction gets stronger with age. Even my husband (who has provided very little insight into his bisexuality) admitted that when we met, he was about 90/10% (women/men)...but now he's closer to 70/30% (women/men). I fear what will happen when it's 50/50, 40/60, 10/90. This is (of course) a highly dramatic analogy...but it feels like being told how you're going to die but not when...so you go through life sort of waiting for the moment the other shoe is going to drop...such a terribly helpless feeling...because if you change course, other lives are affected (the husband, the child)...There is also (I can imagine) tremendous grief that comes with leaving someone you're still in love with....I don't know how to do that. That is battling with the fear of wasted time...of being left when I'm too old / too broken to start over with someone new. Love & passion are so important to me...and I worry I'm I going to become that old lady covered in cats my friends used to (jokingly) envision I'd become. 

aaaaaggggghhh...this is all to say I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. So glad you're able to have a girls getaway with your friend...I truly couldn't imagine getting through this without my best friend's compassionate ear (and wine...thank god for wine!)  



 

Last edited by Julian_Stone (August 28, 2020 10:38 pm)