I'M so sorry for your pain, I;m 18 months behind you , I know I will be there eventually,my husband is similar except is so terrified of breaking up the family that he is denying it by living as straight for now , I see the mindfuckery though-the guilt when he looks at porn /has fantasies etc ( moo swings/ blanking me etc )  , He has abstained from homosexual practises since we met 9 years ago, eventually the pain of living a lie broke through and he came out in March only to "go back in " when I wouldnt allow him to experiment so to speak
4 children as well , What a mess

I’m so shocked and sorry to see this post. I’m angry too. How in the world does he just now figure out he’s gay? If it’s the case he’s gay, he’s always been gay, right? I can’t even wrap my head around this. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom, but I don’t have any right now. I’m completely dumbfounded by all of this. Could it be that’s he’s just over the moon about having a new person (man) he’s intimate with? I hope you don’t mind, but I talked to my bi husband about your story and it doesn’t even make sense to him. Hugs to you dear. I hope you find all the support you need. 

Tangled 

Tangled,

I don’t mind at all you sharing my mess of a story. The more input the better I think.  He’s always been gay, he’s told me that this week. But, in his words, he always wanted that perfect straight life as well.. and the deeper and deeper he got into that life with me, it made it that more impossible to break my heart to know the truth, the bi thing was nothing but a soft blow to get to the big knife of truth that got me 2 weeks ago. 😔

I understand why he lied forever. It feels horrible to hurt someone. His parents are horrible not kind homophobic people, so in his mind coming out was never even an option growing up. I get his story, I feel for him still, I’m sad he couldn’t be who he was for 36 years.

It’s me that I have no idea what to do with or how to even start functioning to go forward, He wants to be in his kids’ lives forever... he wants us to support eachother and do this kindly. That all sounds great and why wouldn’t I want that?

This hurt and sadness is just completely consuming me. It’s hard to see the forest through the trees as I’m facing the reality that every dream and plan I’ve ever had for the rest of my life isn’t there anymore.. that he isn’t even capeable of loving me as his wife anymore.This isn’t what I wanted. This isn’t fair. I’m a fix it and move on kind of person and there is no fixing this 😞 I want to be mad but there’s literally nothing to direct my anger towards... he did lie to me but it’s not his fault he’s gay.

Thank you the support. I had my first virtual therapy last week and all I could do was cry. That was an expensive cry fest. 😣

Also thanks fir the STD info, I will continue to be tested.

Yes, and as sad as I am, I love him and want to celebrate his accomplishment of honesty. I’ve never felt so torn. For all of you, how long did the initial grief last for you?

I'm so sorry to hear this.  If you can, find the small ways you can work in self care.  As you said, this is not your responsibility to have him figure things out, but for you to figure out what you need.  Just because his emotions are complicated, doesn't mean they're more important.  I find taking a soaking bath, getting a nice coffee, going on a hike or talking with a girlfriend can be more restorative than conversations that don't go anywhere.  Take care of you.  You are number one priority.