There is a difference between sharing the truth, which is telling why you are single now, and dumping, which is when you unburden yourself onto another. The latter leaves them wanting to help you but in most cases not having the skills to do so. A probable response is that they will panic and leave. Wouldn't you? 

Dumping is best done with a therapist who does not have a personal investment and has training and  experience to guide you forward. It is not a matter of faking that you are over it but choosing what to discuss and with whom.

Lynne, 
   I completely understand how living in someone's closet closes you off from others.  The three years I spent in my ex's closet was excruciating and isolating.  I felt as if I was being dishonest with everyone (because I was!), and I hated it.  I felt as if I were walking around under a bell jar, or with shutters behind my eyes, so that no one could see into me.  What I was living with at home was the dominant fact of my life, and I walked around pretending it wasn't.  The lie dominated everything simply by having to deny the truth.
    That experience made me decide that to live truthfully is not just to blurt out to everyone the truth, but living truthfully is characterized by a pervasive feeling that I am living without artifice and lies, even if I am not talking about my closeted ex.  I need to be able to feel that if the subject were to arise, or that if I need to bring it up, that I feel free to do so. I don't hide the truth any more, although I don't tell it to everyone.  I have not gotten close to anyone new romantically, and don't know if I ever will, so it hasn't been an issue there.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 21, 2020 2:03 pm)

Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 5:28 pm)

Daryl is right. Everything that happens in life changes us.

I am 17 years down this road and was only thinking a few weeks ago that I am forever changed. There was a time when I thought of the changes as ‘permanent damage’ but Daryl is so, so right. There has also been permanent improvement.

On the negative side I feel like I live my life now with a low level of anxiety. I live my life now feeling like the rug could be pulled out from under me at any second. But you know what? Maybe that’s how life actually is? Maybe I should have known that before? Maybe this experience has woken me up to a sad but true reality that life can, and will, throw curve balls from time to time.

On the positive side I can say, or at least I hope I can say, that I am a better person because of all of this. I’m a wiser person. A more understanding person. A more compassionate person. The experience humbled me. Tuned me in to the feelings and experiences of others. Taught me about grief, sexuality, gender, mental illness, community and a whole raft of things that I might not have otherwise known. I am re-married now and have never felt more loved.

So..: This experience WILL change you... forever... in both negative and positive ways. How much negative or how much positive is, to a large extent, up to us. There is negative stuff we can’t avoid but there is also positive stuff we shouldn’t avoid. Use the experience - when you can - as an opportunity to learn and grow.

(Plus it really sticks in your ex’s craw when you end up happier without them)

Last edited by Steve (August 23, 2020 2:19 pm)