My gay ex-wife asked for a divorce but then proceeded to do absolutely nothing to make it happen. This might have happened because I moved out of the house. With me gone she was ‘free’ to have her affair and it seems her ‘need’ to get a divorce wasn’t quite so pressing.

After 18 months I organized the divorce that SHE asked for. I consulted family lawyers and came up with what I (and my lawyer) considered a fair settlement. We were co-parenting our two children 50/50 but she would get more than half of our assets due to the difference in our incomes.

In spite of the settlement offer being fair she said she wasn’t happy. At that point I had to call her bluff because I knew it was in fact fair. Against every instinct I have I told her she would need to lawyer up for a fight because that was all I was offering.

She ultimately accepted the offer because she didn't want to waste money on lawyers any more than I did.

That is a long-winded way of saying that you need to get good legal advice so that you are confident of your position. Your husband can bluff and threaten and cry all he wants but if you know what are entitled to he won’t have so much power over you.

You don’t have to spend a lot of money to get an opinion about your legal and financial position and it can provide a lot of comfort. Hopefully he (like my ex-wife) will settle for what is fair.

Knowledge is power. Armed with knowledge you might decide that you can leave. Leaving was the best thing I ever did.

Last edited by Steve (August 19, 2020 4:32 am)

I definitely recommend consulting an attorney and not going to couples counseling. Over our 30+ years we went to marriage counseling with various professionals and it always ended up being about him. Granted I wanted to make the marriage work and often was the one who pushed for counseling but it ended up with me leaving sessions thinking that we were working on the marriage and hoping things would get better after he moved past his troubled childhood. Once we were home though nothing changed. Until the day he announced he was gay and wanted a divorce he would have denied it, only admitting he was "bi". If having a sexual interest in a woman was a crime there would not have been enough evidence to convict.

The good thing from being strung along all those years was that by the time he left our children and his pension had grown. With a good lawyer I was able to obtain what I was legally entitled to - which was more than he had expected - and now am in a frugal but comfortable retirement.

Do not give any indication to him that you are even thinking of leaving. Do not move out or make any other changes without your lawyer's advice. You may need to consult more than one before you find the one whom you decide to hire but be patient because but smart planning can make a big difference.

Abby wrote:

The good thing from being strung along all those years was that by the time he left our children and his pension had grown.

Unfortunately, he quit his job at one point over the last 2 years that put us in a financial bind. He was unemployed for 8 months which drained our emergency funds -- according to him anyway, I don't actually know what those "funds" were to begin with. I'm worried that I may be in better financial position on paper than he, BUT maybe it's his manipulation & control that has convinced me to be worried. Talking to an attorney should help me figure this all out.

Abby wrote:

Do not give any indication to him that you are even thinking of leaving. Do not move out or make any other changes without your lawyer's advice.

Thank you. That's good advice.
I've been trying for 3 weeks to get a copy of our tax return and I'm scared to keep asking for this very reason. He e-filed and all of our refund & stimulus money went straight into his account. He never consulted with me before he filed and said we barely got anything back this year because of my business. I need the return so I have some idea of what his income is. He started his new job over a year ago and has never been able to tell me how much he makes. He would say things like, "I'm not really sure how much I make. It goes into my account and I haven't really figured it out yet." I think his period of unemployment is when the financial abuse really started to take hold.

We also went to MOM counseling many years ago and I left feeling the same way as you. The sessions were all about him. The reason I'm willing to go now is to also give him the impression I'm not getting ready to leave, which I am. I'm not interested in working it out with him only an amiable separation and to take care of our son. But, yes, that is a huge waste of money plus I'm feeling like I'm being just as emotionally abusive.

Since Covid he started to snoop through my things to the point where I've wanted to put a lock on my bedroom door, but I know that will only make things worse.

Last edited by broomhilda2 (August 19, 2020 9:35 am)

Broomhilda....you know that, ultimately, you've got this. Communicating via email means the man who says he "loves" you never looks you in the eye when he says it, am I right? 

Say no to the couples counselling, and tell him you'll find your own. Look him in the eye when you say it.

Is the comfort eating sweet stuff?.....remember you're the strong one and stop buying it. The strength has to come from inside you.....it's there, you know it is

Elle

I was very fortunate because my ex had no interest in finances when we married. His parents' accountant had always done his taxes from his summer jobs and since financial security was important to me I just took over. I did our taxes up until separated and he never seemed to want to review financial forms when I tried to go over them with him.

I say this not to boast but to urge women to understand what is going on financially throughout your relationship. Know your benefits at work and add to your 401K. Make sure to change your beneficiary on retirement accounts and life insurance if you don't want it to be your husband. Get free credit reports at annualcreditreport.com and look for mistakes or surprises. Competence is sexy.