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- perm24
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Sorry for the delay. I ended up signing everything but after one what i thought was last ditch effort my wife finally came clean and said she cheated "once". Kissed. Doesnt matter what it was to me but she downplayed it and said there is no relationship with her. Either way we agreed to hold off on lawyers for now to give us some clear heads since it really has only been a month although feels like forever. However, she has no cut off contact and make various claims as to its not just them together and there are other friends around. Excuses. Im done with them. She told me the other day she wanted to work things out however has made zero effort to do so. Still no contact shes displayed other than a few nights of her half laying on my shoulder at night in bed although it feels like its forced. I ask her to, she him-haws around then does it. I have a feeling tomorrow night is going to be the final straw for me because she is off friday and works the weekend. She is going to want to " go out again with her friends" Im putting my foot down on it because that is not working on the relationship. At least not ours. All i have to do is call my lawyer and he will file. All the prework is done. Unfortuntaly, i dont see how she is going to do a drastic turnound anytime soon.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Hi perm24. I wanted to echo what itsabouther said, above. It sounds to me like there's a control issue here; you want the woman you thought you'd married, and she's calculating how she can play for time and string you along, so the choice of whether to stay married will be hers and not yours. I'm not saying she's doing this on purpose, it's just a dynamic. My husband did the same thing to me, when I confronted him. And, when you're hurt and shattered, it's really difficult to take charge of the steering wheel.
The feeling of being helpless, of waiting for the other person to act first, has a way of cutting down your self-reliance. For people who've been through what we've been through, it's exponentially more damaging because we've been denied the power to protect ourselves for so long.
In your own mind, what would be the dealbreaker for you?
- Blue Bear
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Hi Perm24: I'm so sorry you are in this place. Your story has a lot of similarities to mine -- her claiming to want to work on the marriage but showing no effort, the lies, her overwhelming social life with her girlfriend, feeling like I was in competition with her girlfriend. It's no way to live, and no person should treat you so poorly, much less the person with whom you entered into wedding vows.
My recommendation? Divorce. She's adulterous, you can't trust her, and she's same-sex attracted. You would not have signed up for this if someone had given you a sneak preview on your wedding day. "Did you know your lovely bride is going to cheat on you with a woman, and make you feel absolutely worthless? Great! Now say 'I do'!" No, you would not have gone through with it.
Just commenting on your 8/5 post, I note that she told you that she only cheated "once". In my experience, that's a blistering lie. You shouldn't be treated this way. Divorce sucks, but having the life sucked out of you by the person you trust(ed) the most in the world is far worse. Life is so much better on the other side of this. I'm glad you've already got an attorney on your side. Good luck.
- JoeC
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Its tough when you are with someone you love and care about. You want to make it work so bad. Divorce isn't an easy decision, but often its the right one in these situations. A year before I got divorced my ex casually told me she thinks shes a lesbian. It was unexpected, and hurt me and I didn't react well too it. Well, within a few days she walked back her statement to "well no really I am bisexual and you are the only man I love, so lets keep doing what we are doing" She continued a close friendship/relationship with her now girlfriend, and I kept attempting to get her back to what it was in our relationship without luck. Fast forward a year later and we headed to a divorce. I don't wish divorce on anyone, but what I would say is have the blunt honest conversation about who she is. My ex told me that "she didn't want to be gay" that she really wanted the family and kids and husband etc....ultimately, she was struggling for a lot longer than I will ever know and she won't tell me the whole truth because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings to this day. Its not easy, but I would suggest that blunt honest conversation.
- lily
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Blue Bear wrote:
Divorce sucks, but having the life sucked out of you by the person you trust(ed) the most in the world is far worse.
Hi Blue Bear, nice to see you here - this line stood out to me, it was so much my experience. I had been with him my whole adult life, and yet I finally realised I couldn't stay - he was sucking the life out of me. I haven't seen him in a long time but I sat down with my ex today, we ate fish and chips, the cat gave him such a nice welcome. omg, for a while it was the illusion I saw and even when I looked in his eyes and remembered the soul-sucking feel of his lukewarm regard I was still thinking like as if we could have a friendly relationship and not remembering why we weren't still married. After he left, I needed a lie down and fell fast asleep, feeling better now.
It's an awful feeling, hard to put into words, but the basis of my empathy with other straight spouses.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Just commenting on your 8/5 post, I note that she told you that she only cheated "once". In my experience, that's a blistering lie.
Yeah, in my experience too.
- Musselburgh
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Going to see a lawyer doesn't have to be an irrevocable move to divorce. It does, however, give you more information, which helps you understand your options, which allows you to make an informed decision and plot a course--and that gives you back a feeling of control over what feels like something that is out of your control now.
All best.
Yes, I agree with OfHC. I saw a lawyer (one who I deal with through work, not our 'family' one) earlier this year before 'bomb drop' came along. She was great and gave me all the information I needed to know (mostly about an inheritance I received from my aunt a few years ago) and confirmed in an email to my work email address. I feel it's one less thing to worry about going forward. Take care x
Remember..you are braver than you believe, stronger than you feel and smarter than you think.