My ex did not follow through on his initially stated desire to take hormones and have an orchiectomy (remove his testicles), or to transition; he's still in the closet.  But before I left and divorced him, he wanted to use me as a sounding board, and he definitely wanted validation from me for his woman persona.  I now believe that to have been unempathetic and selfish.  He believed he was was entitled to change everything about himself and to expect me to continue to remain the understanding and supportive wife.  

 Forgive me if I am reading in to your situation, but it does seem to me that you, too, have been leaned on--or have leaned on yourself--to be supportive and understanding, even at the cost of your own feelings.  That these further changes in your ex, changes that take your spouse even further away from the person s/he was with you, is causing you to re-live the trauma of the rupture, and seems a clear sign that your body and your psyche are asking you to protect yourself by limiting your contact with your ex.

  That you were "happy with life" and "thrilled to be free" when your ex moved out, for an entire year, but two years on are still be seeing your ex, who is using you as an emotional sounding board and seeking validation from you for further changes, suggests to me that you still have some detaching to do.  A new relationship sounds like a perfect opportunity for you to distance yourself from your ex, whose further transformations are causing you to re-visit the pain of your divorce. 

You might also find this article clarifying:

 “Attachment Injury Resolution in Couples when One Partner is Trans-Identified"
 
Journal of Systemic Therapies  Vol. 31, No. 2, 2012, pp. 36–53
 Donna Chapman and Benjamin Caldwell  

You can google it for a full text.
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 6, 2020 12:38 pm)

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Welcome to our Forum Hei Hei...
 Do you have a girlfriend whose shoulder you can cry on instead? This new man could be totally genuine but we all know about the over-emotional stuff and how some men would rather we take it somewhere else

 Elle

I don't really, I've kind of fallen away from all the friends I used to have, but I am also not much of a "people person", and do not make friends easily, and I have moved to two separate states in the past 7 years, so I guess that doesn't help.

I believe the guy I'm seeing is genuine, I think I'm just worried of what he'll think if he sees me more emotional than I usually am.

Zenobia wrote:

Hei Hei I don’t have much advice to offer as I’m not yet out of my marriage but wanted to extend a welcome from another new member.

I’ve read the attachment injury article OutofHisCloset shared and found it helpful.

Hello Zenobia,

I read it also, and found it helpful. I wish there were more articles like that. 
Good luck to you in whatever you choose to do with your marriage and remember to look out for yourself and your feelings.

I'm struggling with this issue of having ongoing interactions.  I went back to the house to get the movers organized, packing up my stuff, and because my daughter was also staying there at the time, I was insistent that we not start litigating divorce issues in the house.  I told my husband if he has anything he wants to argue over, have his lawyer contact my lawyer.  I actually enjoyed, kind of, being there and just not fighting.  It reminded me of the friendship we did have.  And, I think my daughter really wanted to see her family whole for one last time (she's 24, since her whole company is now working remotely for the summer, she wanted to be in the house, not in her tiny little apartment).  

I'm still feeling a little conflicted about this whole thing, because for me it's not merely the past ... the problem is what he intends to do in the future.  He has only been paying me support for 12 months, and in September when he turns 65 he's going to petition to have it reduced or eliminated.  I won't be able to stay in this apartment, or even in this city, if he does that.  So my anger at him isn't solely over past treatment, it's his whole outlook and the way he diminishes my needs.  But it's possible that by maintaining the "good" part of the relationship, he might start to see me in a more sympathetic light.