Have you asked him if he's gay? Has he outright denied it? 

Even if he's not, his ignoring you is not okay. 

Hi Worried,

I'm sorry you find yourself here.  You're right that these "little" things are just little, but I think that when you look at them all together they add up to something very strange.  I could be wrong but it just sounds "off".  the tickling with the waiter was especially unsettling. 

If he is anything like the rest of our spouses he will deny it no matter how many times you ask him.  Start to get your job prospects and finances in order.  I know you said you can't work right now but hopefully in the future you will be able to.  Even if you never find out if he's gay, the question will eventually become if you deserve to live like this. 

If you want to know what he's doing for sure you will probably have to get on his computer while he's not there.  Unless he deletes his history, that's the best place to start.  I've never met a man yet who could go without sex for three years. 

Again, I'm so sorry you're here. 

"..Yes I regularly check the computer history.."

As I checked things I asked myself WTF am I doing?  Why do I have to do this?     This is no way to live.    Its not right.  

Start taking small steps for yourself.   Gather discreetly the tax returns,  all your accounts,  bills, budget.
Do not feel ashamed or bad doing it.   If they can sneak around on us without guilt or remorse we should not feel bad taking care of ourselves and kids..  they will not. 

Sorry your here but keep your head together and be kind to yourself.


 

I'm sorry that you're in the position you're in, Sorry.  But you're NOT crazy, and you're not wrong.

First off, I don't know of a single, solitary straight man who is okay with potentially conveying any message to the world about his sexuality except that he's straight.  He may be fine with the gay thing and even have openly gay friends, but will want people to know that HE's straight.  Would would the advantage to confusing people even be?  I mean, can you think of a reason that would make you say "I think people will be confused about my sexuality, and that's so cool!"  Ummm, no.  We have tons of gay men who WANT to hide that they're gay.  We do not have straight men that want to hide that they're straight.  It just doesn't work that way.  Seriously.

Coming home and being on his own all evening is not okay.  You worry about your child, and how staying may be better.  Well, not from an emotional perspective, if that's how her father is acting.  To be ignored when someone's present is worse than being alone.  You're not doing your daughter any favors by letting her grow up in that environment.  A daughter's self esteem can be largely affected by her father's love and attention.  She will form what to expect from a man someday by watching your marriage.  Is that what you want her to expect?  That she should be fine with a marriage where she's essentially a single person emotionally, so long as she's financially supported?  Are you fine with teaching her by example that she should let finances paralyze her so that she's okay with remaining emotionally devoid of happiness so long as she doesn't rock the boat?  Is that what you are comfortable teaching her about her own power and choices and courage?

Your husband is not spending time with other cycling in order to curb his sexual desire.  WHAT sexual desire?  If he had any for you, he'd use YOU to help that urge.  It's what men do.  If my husband is all flustered and frustrated, he's come at ME with that - HELP take care of me, woman!  Make me feel better.  Touch me - soothe me.  Help me to relax.  He doesn't even know he's showing me the signs sometimes.  I just pick up on it.  He seems frustrated.  I think he's a bit pent up.  I'll need to take care of him tonight and get him back to center again.  Sounds rudimentary, I'm sure.  And you know what?  IT.IS.  It's not complicated.  And it shouldn't be.  If your husband is sexually pent up, he's not going to go out cycling to take care of it.  He's going to find a "release" for it.  That release may just be that he really likes to look at other men's bodies - even if he can't have them.  Hell, men do that all the time.  Consider the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated - men buy it because they like to look at women.  NOT because they're going to have THOSE women.  They are just visual.  Your hubby may or may not be meeting with someone when he goes riding - you don't know.  Don't think you know the truth, either - there are SO many ways to cheat, if you truly want to.

The bottom line is that you're not happy.  It doesn't really matter if the truth is that he's not gay.  You're still left with someone who shows you that you and your daughter aren't important enough to spend his free time with.  You're not important enough to give the straight truth to (which is what he'd do if he were straight and you asked him if he was gay - he'd TELL you that he's straight - because that's integral to your relationship with him, which is SUPPOSED to be important to him).  He either can't bear to tell you the truth, or he doesn't think you deserve to know it.  Either way, you have an issue.  You have an issue because you are alone in your marriage and in parenthood.  I don't care if it's because he's fascinated with seamonkeys and spends all his time looking at THEM.  The problem is how he's acting toward you - which sounds like it's no fun.

You deserve more.  And if you don't take what you deserve, no one's going to give it to you.  Show your daughter what you're supposed to do when you're unloved and unwanted in a relationship - you don't hang around for more under the guise that you're doing the right thing.  If you're drowning, fight your way to the surface with everything you've got.  It's the only place where the air is.

Best to you -

Kel

His immediate invitation to join him back in his room seems suspect to me after no sexual contact for three years.  Good luck with whatever you decide to do.  Keep us posted and check back in whenever you need help. 

SW