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July 30, 2020 10:03 pm  #11

Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

Look I don't understand why my post was so misunderstood!  I am simply referring to that fact that whatever abuse might have happened in infancy you don't have clear memories of that, you can't.  I can say I have this feeling it happened.  I can say that there were things I picked up, that there was this feeling the whole family had that my father was guilty towards me.  But I can't say I actually know what happened.  Whereas I remember exactly what happened on the playground.

Re the layering of experience - yes it is for real - no I don't think you ever forget the near drowning experience but that ptsd response to being in deep water is tempered by the pleasure of the later good experiences.  It happens quickly and then the person is relaxed enough to learn how to handle themselves in water and in a little they are so good at it that their whole focus is on the enjoyment in swimming.  

Like having a scar - a loving finger tracing a scar gives pleasure, and you feel differently, good about yourself instead of bad.

And so yes I really do totally agree with you Longway - honesty - opening up with people who care and letting the bruises show.  Letting them be cared about by someone who loves you, that is the best thing can happen.  But like it is now - just letting the air in and being there with yourself - how I am in all honesty, the love that I feel - my sense is it is already helping me a lot, before I even know it as it were.   

Last edited by lily (July 30, 2020 10:09 pm)


July 30, 2020 10:22 pm  #12

Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

  You wrote: "you know the thing is if it happens to you when you’re really young what certainty can you have that it actually happened?"
  If you'd said "I" instead of "you" I wouldn't have taken it as an invalidation of my experience.  I admit that I am highly sensitive on this issue.  It took me a long time to be able to speak the truth of what happened to me publicly, and before I did a lot of soul searching and research into so-called "false memory" syndrome, so I have always been very careful not to say anymore of what happened to me than what I can clearly say I know.  


July 31, 2020 7:46 am  #13

Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

Lily, I was referring to my husband’s behaviour, can’t sugar coat bad behaviour, wrong choice of words in my original post. Repeated bad behaviours cannot be constantly forgiven is where I was going.

I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 

July 31, 2020 7:54 am  #14

Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

Victo wrote:

Thank you, Phoenix.  I think what Kimberly Mazella was talking about was the link between childhood sexual abuse and then becoming a straight spouse later in life.

Victo, Sorry I did misread what you were talking about. 

That's a different and also very interesting point. 
I wonder what the connection is between being sexually abused as a child and then becoming a straight spouse.  Perhaps the experience as a child creates a personality type that GID people look for in a mate.  Maybe the sexually abused child becomes extremely empathetic and compassionate?  Maybe the abused child becomes much less demanding in their sexual needs and accepts the GID person without questioning what another person would find odd?

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


July 31, 2020 9:44 am  #15

Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

to OOHC - ah the dreaded pronoun.  You know the interesting thing to me is that where I grew up, England, we never had a problem with it as children - we'd use 'you' as the common pronoun quite happily and no one misunderstood and the grown ups would say you must use 'one' but if you did use one then that was being up yourself, or should I say up oneself, and frowned upon by your peers.  

Yes it is a difficult topic for all of us.  I don't like talking about it much either - I said 'very young' rather than infant because I find it hard to say but if I had it would have been easier to get my meaning.

Longway - ah, yes understood.   again, totally agree.


Last edited by lily (July 31, 2020 9:49 am)


August 4, 2020 4:46 pm  #16

Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

I unfortunately made this connection as well. I survived childhood sexual abuse, as well as later abuse and trauma. I never received any recognition from my abusers- they wouldn’t admit what they did to me, or offer an explanation or apology or anything. One accepted a guilty plea which is the closest I got. But I think it all haunted me more than I realized- because my relationship with my GID husband led to a cycle that was harmful and abusive but at the time felt positive and loving and looking back on it I think it’s because I was finally getting apologies and recognition of the abuse, which I’d craved my whole life. My GID husband for example missed our first wedding anniversary supposedly because he had to work late (I believed him then- now I don’t), and when he got home he screamed at me and was awful to me, blaming me for ruining our anniversary because I was upset he got home so late and missed our dinner. But that weekend he planned an elaborate date and apologized profusely for his behavior. That type of behavior was repeated for years, manipulating me into believing I deserved the treatment and to just wait hoping for things to improve. I honestly don’t think I ever would have realized how toxic his behavior was if he hadn’t stopped the apologies and such- last year he reached the point it was just all lies and abuse all the time, with no apologies or reprieve for me at all, and it took that for me to finally realize what was happening.

Last edited by Tiymay (August 4, 2020 4:47 pm)


August 4, 2020 11:11 pm  #17

Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood


Last edited by MJM017 (April 3, 2021 10:43 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

March 3, 2021 5:53 pm  #18

Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

First, thank you Victo for this topic and for sharing about the SSN podcast with Kimberly Brooks Mazella. I haven't listened to this episode but look forward to checking it out.

Second, I was sexually abused as a very young child by (what I believe to be) a woman. It only occurred once but had a large impact on me. My GID wife would only engage in two sexual activities with me, the primary one being the same act I was abused with. She used it as a form of trauma bonding, while also distancing herself from real "sex".

Third, I think codependent behaviors are a by-product of all forms of abuse. It seems that some straights were abused and willing to accept affection in any form. This turns us into people pleasers. Abusers love this personality type, as they push boundaries well beyond what would be viable for someone with fully baked boundaries. The repeated phrase by straight husbands here seems to be "I worshipped the ground she walked on". This seems to go beyond even codependency levels, with deeming their secretly gay/bi/lesbian wives near God status.

Fourth, personally, the sexual abuse made me less masculine. My voice is higher. My style was long hair and artsy. I liked things that women did, like musicals. I avoided sports and aggression. As a broad generalization, I've seen SSN husbands be highly verbal or artistic. In hindsight, my GID wife was clearly attracted to me because of these traits and molded me to be more female for the majority of our relationship. When I moved away from her requests (such as cutting my hair) her reaction was to emotionally abuse. There is almost a fear of conflict and a bred docility that is a common thread.

Fifth, I think family plays a massive role as well. My mother suffered from mental issues and required me from a young age to save her from herself. This model was transferred right over to my high school sweetheart girlfriend, who became my wife. I have seen mention of this codependent family dynamic within this forum. Additionally, the helpful support system of family and friends weren't there. All of the people in my life told me to stay with my wife, even when the abuse was physical. They genuinely did not understand that my DID wife's actions were intentional.

Sixth, I personally believe that narcissism is at play for many cheating spouses. My wife was diagnosed with multiple Cluster B personality types. Many of those behaviors are mentioned here daily. 

This is a long way of saying I agree!

All of the above combines to make a husband who is a people pleaser that is willing to work endlessly hard with little reward to prop up a disordered individual, while their support network encourages it, and the answer lies not in miss-matched communication but in a combination of proactive spouse dishonesty and unaddressed mental illness.

There are so many common trends in husbands with Gay/Bi/Lesbian/GID spouses that it is a shame there hasn't been more tangible research on this.

Last edited by Upside (March 3, 2021 5:59 pm)


March 4, 2021 5:21 pm  #19

Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

Upside, great post.  I have seen a man being hoovered up by a GID grannie.  It wasn't long before she'd dyed his grey pony tail pink.  He really didn't like it but she still did it.  and then the next thing she was painting his nails.

I recently heard someone saying people can be divided into two groups - predator and prey.

I saw a little study that called it hawks and doves and I much prefer that because the dove is only prey in relationship to the hawk - with another dove there's a lot of bill and cooing and staying together and sharing their family responsibilities and grieving if one of them dies.



March 4, 2021 5:55 pm  #20

Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

I (straight wife) have no history of abuse (sexual or otherwise) in my childhood or adulthood. I feel very fortunate for that. I’ve led a rather safe, protected, and charmed life. My bi husband has a history of repeated sexual abuse by a male he trusted as a young child. I don’t necessarily think there’s any rhyme or reason as to how things work out. I do think we chose each other (and continue to choose one another) because we consider one another our home, our safety. 

Last edited by TangledOil (March 4, 2021 6:02 pm)


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