Knc,
   I'm the ex-wife of a man who told me he had decided he was transgender.  He had been exploring this idea secretly for about three years before he told me about it, and when he did tell me, he had already decided he wanted to have his testicles removed (an orchiectomy) and take cross-sex female hormones and transition to live as a woman.  I was unwilling to stay married to him because I didn't want my entire life to be dominated by transness.  

  Later he walked back his desire to transition and wanted, as your husband says he does, to stay in the closet and live as a woman at home, while outwardly enjoying his life as a man outside the home.  I thought I could handle that, and be supportive, and I gave it the old college try.  I finally left him three years after he dropped his trans bomb.

I'm here to tell you that living in your husband's closet is an isolating and mentally damaging experience.  For one thing, it keeps you isolated and alone, and traps you in a suffocating bell jar breathing transness as your oxygen, so you are unable to benefit from other perspectives.  I don't know how much you know about abusive relationships or the dynamics of abusive family relationships, but isolation and a narrowing of your options for social interaction with others is one of the warning signs.  Isolating you is good for him and his agenda, but it's damaging for you.

  I'm also here to tell you that men in the grip of feminizing may tell you that they will roll it out slowly, or are willing to set boundaries on their behavior or their gender expression, but it is a virtual certainty that they will not abide by their promises and will stretch and break those boundaries, sometimes by manipulating you or guilting you.  Feminizing acts on them like an addiction, and they want more and more, faster and faster, and what they have said about slow-rolling it becomes an attack on you for holding them back. 

  Let me ask you a question: is your husband's desire to be a woman expressed mainly through clothes, make-up, and a desire to act out sexually?  Because that's the classic sign of an autogynephile, a man who is sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a woman.  You can read more about autogynephilia in the book "The Man Who Would Be Queen," by the psychologist Michael Bailey (it's available as PDF online if you google it.)  You might also look up Anne Lawrence, who is a transwoman who has written about autogynephilia.  Lawrence has a web presence, and her articles are available online.  If you want more information about what you might expect, from a wife's perspective, google of "Gas Mark Six," which is a post by the blogger "Naeferty," or buy the book "Sex Changes," by Christine Benevenuto, which is about her husband's transition.  

   There are a number of us here whose husbands are trans, and I imagine more of us will weigh in shortly.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 27, 2020 4:58 pm)

Hello KNC, 
Well, I'm another one of those wives.  This is my 2nd marriage.  I met him when we were in our fifties and we were married for 10 years.  There was a lot of sexual weirdness and peculiarities to this man.  I wrote it off to his persistent erectile dysfunction and the fact that he was rather eccentric overall.  About 3 years ago, he started wearing men's makeup, then women's makeup, then he was reading women's fashion magazines.  After that came an obsession with drag queen shows.  We ended up in marriage counseling (his idea) with a therapist he chose (LGBTQ Advocate) who told us for three months that all of this was normal as long as I was okay with it, which I repeated over and over I wasn't. 

The last year was a descent into a nightmare, the likes of which I cannot describe.  He became angrier and angrier and started taking prescription drugs.  I would see him walking around town wearing women's blouses.  He alternately told me he was done dressing up/no he couldn't give it up.  Finally I had my own personal crisis (near death of a close family member) and he was the one who went off the rails.  I found out, a month later, that he had a storage locker full of women's clothing, an alternate female identity complete with a name, and he had a sexual encounter of some sort with a gay man at a gay bar.  

After that long long time of keeping the secret, I told two people close to me and I ultimately decided I could not live this way.  We're divorced now.  He still asks if we can get back together again.  It was all a "phase".  I do not believe him. 

I will reiterate what OOHC said - there may be a slow roll out at first, but it doesn't last.  Dressing up/acting female became the focal part of my husband's life.  He was consumed with buying sparkling dresses, applying makeup, and attending gay events where people told him he was pretty (note, he wasn't) and encouraged him to do his own thing.  

Everyone has their own tolerance to what they will accept in a marriage but personally I did not want to be married to a woman.  I believe, as OOHC explained, that my husband also was an autogynephile.  I had never even heard of that before I started reading on this forum in January of this year.  After I researched this, it was like - WOW - that really hit the nail on the head.  

The thing that bothers me over and over again is that I am sure my husband knew about this for decades and somehow repressed it.  And when he finally told me, he expected me to go along with it.  

I don't have much advice to give but I will have to say that it takes a long time to sort out your thoughts and emotions.  Also, if your husband is like mine and many others, he will try to reel you in if you express that you want to leave.  Because they want their cake and eat it too.  Your post says that you have a young son.  It is always harder when children are involved. 

Best thoughts to you.  Please keep reading and posting.   Also, I found it helpful to keep a journal.  

Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 5:33 pm)

Your journey is your journey, and you will travel it by the route you choose for the reasons that you choose.

 I would like, however, to point out that to call the work of a transwoman, Anne Lawrence, trans-exclusionary is illogical.  

Thank you Lyonene and longwayhome.  I have to say that I felt hurt and dismayed by KNC's response to my reflection of the most painful experience of my life.  

I truly hope that she finds happiness in her trans relationship.  That was not in the cards for me but perhaps it is for some people.