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July 26, 2020 12:36 pm  #1

Please Help...I am really thinking I must be crazy..I may be wrong.

Hello to all my hurting, fearful spouses. I have put off reaching out as I am so confused, and lost.  But I desperately need support and advice. I am turning into a wreck.Please…. I would really appreciate any thoughts and advice could take time to help me.    I would also love to short form this, as it is such a long story.  But I fear this will be fairly lenghty anyway.  Hopefully you will have some questions about things, please ask me, then I can fill you in on details as I go.    Hopefully this may help me figure this out. I really need to get past this mess. I need help so bad. IS HE GAY OR AM I CRAZY ??? Feeling as tho I am crazy, is destroying me more every day..But here goes, the best I can. I met my husbands sister at an ACOA meeting,  we became friends.  My husband was living with her in an apt. She wanted him out, so they duped me.  I am so gullible.  At the time he was 24 years old I was 38. I had just came out of a 22 year very abusive alcoholic marriage.  I had 3 children to this first marriage.   I married my first husband when I was 14 years old. He was 17.  I had to get married. My parents kicked me out as I was pregnant. All To get out of an abusive alcoholic home with my parents.  Frying pan into the fire. Met my PRESENT husband a couple years later.  He was a God send.  He treated me like gold.  I Always said, when he was born that threw the mold away.  So very generous and kind.  I guess he needed me as much as I need him.  I started loving life again.  With no fears.  I could finally sleep at night. After 12 years of living together I finally agreed to marry him.  Shortly after we married I found out he had a short affair with my best friend,  while we were in wedding plans as well as during the marriage ceremony .  She was vile on our wedding day. She was so angry at me and him that day. For the life of me I didn’t know why. My husband said he didn’t know either…. Wedding was in her living room,  she insisted. But I know why now. I know she instigated this as she was sleeping with her very best friends husband.  She broke it off after she snagged randy. I know MH did not like sex a whole lot but seems he was too afraid for some reason to turn her down.  She was caught in a bar, in the bathroom, bumping nasties with another patron. They kicked her out. True tramp. For the record she was my neighbours daughter. Thats how we met. Not so much my friend.  She knew MH was an easy target. But MH hated it, I know he did. I knew he wasn’t very sexual at all. He never looked at women, never bought a playboy mag in his life. He quit seeing her after a short while.   He said it was because he just didn’t want to do it anymore. He never asked me for forgiveness,  He just said “ you didn’t deserve this “  I just couldn’t divorce him after only married for a couple months.   I thought we would work on our marriage. He changed after this,  became very indifferent to me,  sometimes downright mean.  He was so miserable.  He didn’t want to socialize with me at all. He had no interest in our home for years. Just a place to hang his hat. MH told me he hadn’t been in love with for quite some time. I just recently found out from him that this dates back many years ..to thinks around 1995.  But never hinted anything at the ..none what so ever.  Why did he stay with for 30 years ??  I met an old friend I knew way back in 1972.  We are the same age.  Mike wanted to have coffee with me.I told my husband and he was VERY OKAY with it.  Shortly there after I asked My husband if he wanted to meet Mike and he said “sure”.  He was fine meeting him.  My husband laughed and joked with him.  Mike thought this was so weird,  he actually thought this may be TV stunt.  Somebody would jump out and say he was just “punked “ .   About a year after this Mike and I moved in together.  My husband was happy about it. He even helped me to move out with some stuff.I cried so much because my husband had no absolutely no remorse whatsoever about him and I separating. After 25 years he could care less.     My heart was still breaking. I couldn’t accept my situation at all. It made no sense at all. MH and I never fought seriously. Never yelled at each other. We were okay, but I was so lonely living with him. But for the life of me I couldn’t figure things out. He says he still love me. Still calls me sweetie, honey etc. even after with this new woman. I lived away from my home,  with Mike for 3.5 years,  but never got over my husband or our home. Life with Mike eventually started to fall apart.  He knew he was living in my husbands shadow. I have been back living with MH for 2 years now. The entire time I was away MH NEVER pursued another woman. Never joined a dating site..in 3 years no interest in a female relationship. I mentioned to him at one time that he needed to find another woman to love and loves him..He yelled back at me as he was walking away“ I DON’T WANT ANOTHER WOMAN “  And obviously didn’t want me in bed either.His time was spent with a male friend we both met thru work many years ago. This man is 67, never married, never dated or been with a woman. Just male friends. Even as friends we were never allowed to visit him. He didn’t want ANYONE in his house. But MH husband spent time only with him while we were separated. Biking together etc.. I must mention that MH and I  remained friends thru our separation. He loves my family and is the only grandfather my grand kids know. They adore him !! MH would pull my hand off his chest if I laid it on him. He kept doing that. Finally I asked him why he does that. He said” I don’t know, I just find it uncomfortable. If my leg or any other part of me touched him in bed he JUMPED LIKE MY LEG WAS A FIRE STICK. He ALWAYS kept his back to me ALWAYS. We have a queen size bed and he always slept on the VERY EDGE with his back to me.. Just enough that he didn’t fall off the edge. We had a hot tub, I suggested we go in naked one night . He wasn’t crazy about the idea. He balked. But he came in with me, for a short while. He suddenly got up and walked off. I asked where he was going. He said "going in". He said “ this was making him uncomfortable ”. He stopped coming in the hot tub with me from then on. My husband has a decent income and likes his job in construction.  I am now on seniors old age pension. It is very small.  I couldn’t  afford an apt.  So my husband said he wasn’t home most of the time anyway. Since I was part owner of the house I should just come back so I did. It felt so good being home again. 
Things didnt seem right..something was "off" I very gently approached him about his sexuality. Told him I am sure he is a mans man. I found so muchstuff on his Ipad ..sites he was on. His search history..Not male porn but "different" stuff. Like hook up and f**k. How to buy and use a cock ring ..Male toys for men etc. Scared me as he has never ever did this  Being 68 now and in this situation is horrible ..30 years of  deceit and lies. I think he is BI or gay but then I doubt myself when he denies. 2 weeks after I confronted him about being gay, which he denies with a passion, he jumped on a dating site.  For $1.79 special on this site, he found this woman. They texted for 3 to 4 days. He then lied to me,  saying he was going bowling with the guys from work, whom he dislikes, all of them. When I asked him if it was going to be a late night, he then decided to confess he was going to meet a woman. He left at 2 pm Saturday, returned home Monday afternoon, madly in love with her…First meeting....I told him to get out. He went back to her and has been there ever since. Claiming they love each other so much. He has been there about 2 weeks now. She is 50 years old, one daughter just graduated. She has never been married. She told my husband it is because all the men she met were jerks. He reluctantly showed me a photo of her. ( Wow, sorry to say but she is not a looker at all ) Not at all. We were at a New Years Eve house Party at friends and family gathering MANY MANY years ago. My son wanted MH to try some really good hot wings. MH would not try one, my son insisted. Finally MH said vey loudly, “I DON’T DO HOT, THATS WHY I MARRIED YOUR MOTHER.  First there was dead silence, then everyone ooooed and awed..I ask him later,  why he said that. To this day he says "I don’t know.) He was relieved when I left, he removed his wedding ring. I saw him about 3 weeks later, he was wearing his wedding ring again. He never removed it again. He said he missed it on his finger. He was just so used to wearing it.After 2 days with this new woman I noticed his ring was off. I asked him why..said he can’t wear it at work anymore.. Makes sense but I doubt the excuse . Why now, He has been on this job for many years. Seems like a coincidence.. I am so sorry for rambling and going on and on. I have to stop now for fear of boring you further, this is so long and doesn’t scratch the surface really. I must apolagize to you  if I have jumped all over the place. I tried not to, but my brain is a mess right now. I have been on this site for quite a while but just didn’t know how to introduce my issue. But I finally had to do this. I am sinking fast now. I appreciate you all for taking the time to read my story. Please ask me questions, that will help me figure this out. I know my marriage is now over, but I have to figure this out in order to move on, I know I do.  MH always teases me when I do something silly  “good thing you’re pretty” Always been told how pretty I am even in my old age. I do appreciate this, LOL. Thank you so much for your time. Anxiously waiting to hear from you, my friends.

Last edited by WTH (July 26, 2020 1:05 pm)


July 29, 2020 3:01 pm  #2

Re: Please Help...I am really thinking I must be crazy..I may be wrong.

Hi Jo,

I noticed that this hasn't been addressed in a few days and thought I would reach out with a possible explanation why - I'm not really seeing anything here that says gay to me. Jerk, yes, but gay jerk, not necessarily.

Can you perhaps flesh out what makes you think gay? Was there gay porn? Craigslist cruising on gay/m4m ads? Receipts from bathhouses/adult bookstores/websites for items that might lead you to believe that? Memberships to Grindr or Scruff? You mention "How to buy and use a cock ring ..Male toys for men", but this can easily be masturbation aids for an older man, not necessarily a gay hook-up thing.

Is there anything that you could tell us to allow us a better understanding so we might help you? I'm feeling like you're not getting a response here because we're not quite sure what to respond to, but we genuinely would like to help.

Best to you.


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